As we reported a few years ago, the Human Immunodeficiency Virus, commonly known as HIV, was distraught when it found out that it had contracted Amy Winehouse. However, HIV received some good news this weekend when it learned that it had been completely cured, and is now 100% Amy Winehouse free!

In a press conference held at the Mayo Clinic, HIV along with fellow Amy Winehouse suffers gonorrhea, herpes, whooping cough, and gingivitis, spoke with the media about how it feels to finally be rid of Amy Winehouse.

“It is just a huge load off my chest” said HIV. “I feel like I can breathe again” added whooping cough.

While the exact cure for Amy Winehouse has not been made public yet, doctors are already speculating that it may have been a potent mixture of crack, crystal meth, boxed wine, and horse tranquillizers that finally did her in. It will be interesting to see if doctors can use this knowledge to create a vaccine to protect against other terrible diseases such as Tila Tequila and Lindsay Lohan.

One of the perks of being a celebrity is that you get to f*ck pretty much anything you want. Animal, vegetable, mineral, it is all game. So naturally with all that f**king going on celebrities have developed distinct “sex faces”.

We’ve been lucky enough to capture a few on camera, as well as some interesting sexual facts about some of Hollywood’s biggest stars. Enjoy!

Name: Mandy Moore
Interesting Sex Fact: Mandy is so uptight in bed that she has yet to achieve orgasm with a man. Horses on the other hand are a different story.

Name: Cameron Diaz
Interesting Sex Fact: Cameron enjoys babbling on about her day during sex.

Name: George Clooney
Interesting Sex Fact: Farts loudly during sex then pulls the cover over his partners head.

Name: Anne Hathaway
Interesting Sex Fact: Farts loudly during sex then pulls the covers over her own head.

Name: Gisele Bünchen
Interesting Sex Fact: Gisele favorite sexual move is called “The Dicaprio”… don’t tell Tom.

Name: Amy Winehouse
Interesting Sex Fact: Amy can only achieve orgasm after a vigorous session of anal fisting.

Name: Kristen Stewart
Interesting Sex Fact: During sex Kristen Stewart’s lower lip bites her.

Name: Tiger Woods
Interesting Sex Fact: Tiger Woods likes sex… a lot!

Name: Kristen Bell
Interesting Sex Fact: Kristen Bell can shoot a ping pong ball 50 feet out of her vah jay-jay

Name: Robert Pattinson
Interesting Sex Fact: Robert’s pubic hair is longer than his penis.

Name: Taylor Lautner
Interesting Sex Fact: Taylor has only 1 testicle, and it is small and misshapen.

Name: Katy Perry
Interesting Sex Fact: Katy tossed a girl’s salad… she didn’t like it.

Name: Heidi Montag
Interesting Sex Fact: Heidi cries during sex, and that just makes Spencer want to f*ck her harder.

Name: Kate Gosselin
Interesting Sex Fact: Kate feels no sensation in her vaginal region anymore.

Name: Justin Timberlake
Interesting Sex Fact: Justin greatly enjoys anal. Receiving not giving.

Name: Miley Cyrus
Interesting Sex Fact: Miley is a screamer. Her dad had to sound proof their house.

Amy Winehouse was out selling her plasma yesterday, and while walking back to the half-way house her disgusting new breasts fell out. I’m usually not one to turn down a free look at boobies, but this was just repulsive. This woman is the reason Allah invented the Burqa.

**World Exclusive**
**Must Credit CelebJihad.com**

Celeb Jihad can now confirm that the Human Immunodeficiency Virus, commonly known as HIV, has contracted Amy Winehouse.

Sources close to HIV say that the virus has been inconsolable since it received the diagnosis last Friday.

“This is something that you think only happens to other diseases: Gonorrhea, HPV, maybe Herpes,” the grief stricken virus said. “I just never thought it could happen to me.”

Although HIV has long been aware of the risks associated with exploiting human behaviors such as intravenous drug use and unprotected anal sex, nothing could have prepared it for the stigma associated with contracting Amy Winehouse.

“What am I going to tell my family?” said HIV. “I mean, Scott Weiland? Sure. George Michael? Absolutely! But Amy fucking Winehouse? Game over, man!”

There is no known cure for Amy Winehouse.