Ever since we broke the story that Selena Gomez is a lesbian, teenage girls all over the country have been converting to the “dyke side”. This wave of newly transformed lesbians descended upon a mall were Selena Gomez was doing a Q&A (and probably some light fingering) for a radio station.

As soon as the cunt hungry mob got a whiff of Selena Gomez’s muff they were whipped into a feeding frenzy and charged towards the Disney star. Selena looked on and laughed as her fans were badly injured trampling over each other trying to get a piece of her sweet cherry pie. Police and firefighters had to be called in to control the mob and extract the wounded.

When asked for a comment about this horrific incident mall event coordinator Carol Barkley said “This is tragic. I haven’t seen this many lesbians go down on each other since I was invited to a party at Ellen’s.”

It looks like Tiger Woods needs a new driver.

In an apologetic statement released today, Woods said that the accident he was in early Friday morning was his fault. Tiger then went on to make a startling confession.

I know there has been a lot of nasty rumors going around about me. Well as this accident plainly shows they are true. I am in fact half-asian, so I am a horrible driver.

Asians have long been known to be a scourge on our nation’s roads. For years Tiger Woods apologists have claimed that being half-black overpowered the horrible driving genes he got from his Asian mother. However after this recent incident we can see that unfortunately for Tiger this is not the case.

No word yet what other parts of Tiger are Asian, but according to sources close to the couple, Tiger and his wife have been fighting a lot recently. This will inevitably lead to further speculation that Tiger Woods is also Asian in the pants.