CelebJihad.com - Explosive Celebrity Gossip!

Exclusive: Is Yogi Berra Madonna’s New Bat Boy?

Jimmy Jihad — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 05:00:42 +0000

Our sources are claiming that Madonna’s seven-year marriage to Guy Ritchie has stalled out – and the singer has been hosting late-night visits from former New York Yankee Yogi Berra at her Central Park West apartment in New York City.

A source tells CelebJiahd.com that Berra, 83, has made numerous solo nighttime visits to Madonna, 49, at her spacious home and would sneak out “as late as 8:00 pm.” Says the source, “All the doormen are talking.”

Berra attended Madonna’s April 30 NYC concert; the singer sat in his seats during a recent earlier-bird prime rib dinner at a New Jersey Elks Lodge.

When questioned about the affair, Yogi did not shy away from reporters, but insted responded with a few of his trademarked Yogiisms.

When asked by CelebJihad if it was hard for an 83-year-old man to maintain an erection with a haggard 49-year-old whore, Yogi replied, “Ninety percent of this game is half mental.”

Added Berra, “It ain’t over ‘till it’s all over her face.”

Berra was also candid when it came to dishing out details of the affair. According to Berra, while the two were recently making love, Madonna commented, “I think you‘re in the wrong hole,” to which Yogi wittily retorted, “Yeah, but I’m making great time,” followed by, “now shut up you ugly shrew; I pay you cash for this, which is just as good as money.”

Madonna’s rep, Liz Rosenberg, was not available for comment.

What Celebrity Dick Tastes Like!

Jimmy Jihad — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 03:56:24 +0000

It’s Gay Pride Week, or at least that’s what my dad told me. In honor of this momentous occasion the boys at CelebJihad have gone a little gay and compiled the following list of what celebrity dick tastes like!

	Mike Myers’ dick tastes like it’s been fucking the same dead horse since 1997.
	Pete Wentz’s dick tastes like it wishes it was Tony Romo’s dick.
	Tony Romo’s dick tastes like Joe Simpson’s breath mints.
	Guy Richie’s dick tastes like buyer’s remorse and dusty sardines.
	Bill Engvall’s dick tasted so mind-numbing trite that I would’ve gladly taken it out of my mouth and replaced it with a loaded shotgun.
	Tom Cruise’s dick will taste like my ass if his lawyers find out I’ve implied it tastes like anything other than his beautiful wife’s vagina.
	Randy Jackson’s dick tastes like flop sweat and bacon.
	George Carlin’s dick tastes like 3 of the 7 words you can’t use on television…and formaldehyde.
	I thought that Alan Greenspan’s dick tasted like pickled herring, but it may have been Barbara Walters.
	R. Kelly’s dick tastes like our judicial system’s torn and bloodied asshole…and piss-covered Thin Mints.
	J. Alexander’s dick…I’m not even going to bother with a joke. Just fucking look at him, for fuck’s sake. What the fuck, man? What the fuck?
	Bill Clinton’s dick tastes like a bitter, angry cunt. Just kidding! It hasn’t tasted like that since the night Chelsea was conceived. These days it tastes like various hotel maids and a certain Laker Girl who’d better know how to keep her mouth shut.
	Barrack Obama’s dick tastes completely overrated, but at least he has one (ZING!)! Besides, it was a nice change of pace from having George Bush’s dick in my ass.
	The Dalai Lama’s dick tastes like it’s been in some sort of gerbil nest.
	Chris Hanson’s dick tastes like cookies and lemonade.
	Big Brown’s dick tastes like it’s been in an ass. GET IT?!
	Perez Hilton’s dick tastes like it’s been in an ass. GET IT?!
	Charlton Heston’s dick tastes like his cold, dead hand.

Not a gay dude? Don’t feel left out! Lesbians can check out our Pulitzer-Prize winning article on celebrity vagina. Bisexual? Read both. Transgender? Go fuck yourself (ZING!)!

Lindsay Lohan Addicted to Stank Puss

Durka Durka — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 21:53:43 +0000

According to friends close to the “actress”, Lindsay Lohan has fallen off the wagon yet again. Apparently her girlfriend/pusha Samantha Ronson has gotten poor Lindsay hooked on her stank puss. Lindsay is reportedly held up with Ronson at her Hollywood home. Sources report Lindsay hasn’t slept in days and just can’t stop lapping away at Ronson nasty stank puss. They fear for her health and state of mind.

Eating stank puss (also known on the street as dumpster diving, carpet cleaning, rotten oyster shucking, Rosie O’Donnelling) is a serious albeit not widely publicized problem in America. Every year thousands of unsuspecting girls fall victim to this dangerous addiction. Here are some warning signs to look for if you think someone you love may be hooked on the stank puss.

1) Bad grades
2) Smelly fingers
3) Reclusiveness
4) Bad breath
5) Greenish tongue

If you hear someone you care about talking about trying this or exhibiting some of the warning signs please seek help immediately.

RIP Tim Russert

Jimmy Jihad — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 03:57:10 +0000

Playboy’s Seeing Double for the Hatton Twins!

Jimmy Jihad — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 05:03:45 +0000

No, you’re not seeing double! You’re just looking at the sexy Hatton Twins! That’s right; double your pleasure! These buxom bombshells recently entered Playboy’s 55th Anniversary Playmate Search by posting this hot video on Youtube. Rumor has it that the boys down at Playboy have been ga-ga ever since. Insiders claim that these two beauties are the odds-on favorites to win the competition. But don’t take our word for it. Watch the video for yourself, but try not to get to worked up ;)

Sharon Stone and Hulk Hogan’s Karma Convo

Durka Durka — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 00:37:56 +0000

	Hey Hulk how are you doing hun?
	Not so good brother.
	Aww are you still upset about the negative PR you got for suggesting that the war veteran passenger in the car your speeding drunk driving son crashed putting him in a permanent vegetative state must of had bad karma?
	Yeah that and the fact that all these years of taking my “vitamins” have left me with tiny mouse balls.
	Oh Hulk small potatoes just make the steak look bigger. And I think you were absolutely in the right in calling out that kid for having bad karma. I recently got in a bit of hot water myself when I suggested that the tens of thousands of “innocent” Chinese that were crushed to death in a earthquake had it coming because of all the bad karma from their government not allowing my friend the Dalai Lama to have his own country.
	What! That’s ridiculous! Of course that was karma! How can the public give you shit for that? It’s almost like they’ve never seen My Name is Earl.
	I know! It’s a fantastic show and I’ve learned a lot from it. After seeing it I looked back over my life and realized what an important role karma has played in it.
	How so?
	Well in high school I got in a bit of trouble when one of the guys I was fucking knocked me up. It was awful it made me gain all this weight. Those nine months were a living hell. Every time I went out drinking or tried to do some blow I’d get sick, or the baby would kick like crazy. Not to mention I didn’t have my period once during the pregnancy, so I’m pretty sure it was drinking my menstrual blood.
	A vampire baby! I’ve heard about those.
	Yep but you know what Hulk? All that bad karma that little guy was building up came back and bit him in the ass when I gave birth and threw him in a dumpster.
	KARMA!
	Big time! Hahaha!
	You know my soon to be ex-wife Linda is suffering through some bad karma right now.
	Oh yeah?
	Yeah brother. When I married her 20 years ago she was hot and thin, but throughout our marriage she’s gradually gotten uglier and fatter.
	Ought ohh that is not good for her karma.
	Tell me about it. So I cheated on her a lot and karma got her good when she found out about it and filed for divorce.
	K-A-R-M-A!!!
	Poor woman will never find another guy with 24 inch pythons.
	Oh Hulk all this karma talk is making me super wet. Want to fist my gaping stink hole?
	You got it brother.

What Celebrity Pussies Taste Like

Durka Durka — Thu, 29 May 2008 20:47:41 +0000

After many hours of grueling research in our lab we have determined what the following celebrity pussies taste like. If you make any discoveries of your own please feel free to include them in the comment section.

	Sigourney Weaver’s pussy tastes like coins.
	Lindsay Lohan’s pussy tastes like cigarettes and toast.
	Paris Hilton’s pussy tastes like the inside of a catcher’s mitt.
	Sarah Jessica Parker’s pussy tastes like a hard-boiled egg.
	Miley Cyrus’s pussy tastes like 5 to 10 in the state pen… and fresh strawberries.
	Rosie O’Donnell’s pussy tastes like a bulldog’s asshole.
	Reese Witherspoon’s pussy tastes like Christmas morning.
	Elizabeth Taylor’s pussy tastes like sawdust and gorgonzola.
	Britney Spears’s pussy tastes like placenta.
	Jessica Alba’s pussy tastes like sunflower seeds and disappointment.
	Angelina Jolie’s pussy tastes like her brother.
	Jennifer Love Hewitt’s pussy tastes like apricots and sunshine.
	Jessica Simpson’s pussy tastes like tuna… or is that chicken?
	Scarlett Johansson’s pussy tastes like applesauce and feet.
	Madonna’s pussy tastes like sulfur dioxide.
	Natalie Portman’s pussy tastes like humus and matza.
	Jodie Foster’s pussy tastes like 2 bears fucking in the woods.

Joe Simpson: Anal Pusher

Durka Durka — Tue, 20 May 2008 18:01:42 +0000

After selling the photo rights to his daughter Ashlee’s unborn child and then leaking Ashlee and Pete Wentz’s secret wedding date to the press. Father / Super Manager Joe Simpson sent out a press release today announcing that Ashlee and Pete are going to be trying anal.

According to Joe, his daughter Ashlee has been hesitant to let Pete go to “brown town” for fear that it might be painful, but Pete is a “dedicated ass man” and finally convinced her (with a little help from Papa Joe) to give it the old college try.

Joe is being careful not to give away too many details about the event but he did have these words of encouragement for the newly weds.

“I’m proud and honored that Pete will be violently penetrating my little girl’s stink hole. I wish them the best and hope it is a backdoor banging of a lifetime. Just the thought of Pete’s thick meat pole entering my princess’s quivering booty hole causing her to yelp like a wounded dog makes my heart swell. Because in the end I just want to see my daughter happy.”

Joe is reportedly in talks with K-Y Jelly and Astroglide for sponsorship rights to the big “grand opening”.

HIV contracts Amy Winehouse

Jimmy Jihad — Wed, 14 May 2008 05:43:59 +0000

**World Exclusive** **Must Credit CelebJihad.com**

Celeb Jihad can now confirm that the Human Immunodeficiency Virus, commonly known as HIV, has contracted Amy Winehouse.

Sources close to HIV say that the virus has been inconsolable since it received the diagnosis last Friday.

“This is something that you think only happens to other diseases: Gonorrhea, HPV, maybe Herpes,” the grief stricken virus said. “I just never thought it could happen to me.”

Although HIV has long been aware of the risks associated with exploiting human behaviors such as intravenous drug use and unprotected anal sex, nothing could have prepared it for the stigma associated with contracting Amy Winehouse.

“What am I going to tell my family?” said HIV. “I mean, Scott Weiland? Sure. George Michael? Absolutely! But Amy fucking Winehouse? Game over, man!”

There is no known cure for Amy Winehouse.

Rob Lowe in Hot Water Again

Durka Durka — Sat, 10 May 2008 16:57:55 +0000

LOS ANGELES – Actor Rob Lowe is in trouble again for alleged misconduct with an employee. This time it’s the Lowe’s former gardener Manuel Sanchez who is filing suit.

The lawsuit, filed Thursday in Santa Barbara, Calif., says, ” Mista Lowe put his hando inside my el pantos and strummed my chalupa like a mariachi band” several times from about September 2005 to around January 2008. The suit also alleges the actor grabbed Sanchez’s behind without his consent in December 2007 while he was harvesting Lowe’s considerable lettuce crop.

Sanchez also says that Lowe repeatedly asked him to spank him with his rake, showed him hand drawn pornographic images of donkeys, and asked him to sing him Mexican love songs while he masturbated.

The former gardener claims he feared Lowe would “attempt to further sexually assault him,” but also says he thought conditions would get better.

Sanchez is suing Lowe for sexual assault and battery, sexual harassment, retaliation, unpaid off-the-clock work, overtime wages and unpaid meal periods and asking for damages in excess of $50 US.