Celebjihad.com has confirmed that author/journalist Christopher Hitchens is “dreadfully tired” of watching you masturbate.

Describing your masturbatory habits as “pure cliché and banality,” Hitchens finds fault not only with your “pedestrian” technique (the fist coupled with occasional deviations to the backhand), but also with your choice of pornographic aides.

“(Your) sole reliance on girl-on-girl orgy porn smacks of overcompensation and leads one to the conclusion that (you have) some kind of subliminal or unaddressed problem,” said Hitchens.  “Perhaps (you) would be more at home viewing a homosexual spank film.”

While Hitchens declined to say how or why he was watching you masturbate, he went on to speculate that you have a camp interest in military uniforms, an obsession with flogging, and an unrelenting hatred of “silky and effeminate Jews.”

10. The no-holds-barred football game between the prison guards and a rag-tag group of inmates.

9. Rosenblat’s jive-talking African-American sidekick, Detroit Jones.

8. The insistence that his future wife sustained him by tossing only delicious Mott’s brand Apple-Cinnamon Fun Packs over the fence.

7. Rosenblat’s claim that he did Hitler’s taxes in exchange for a new prison library and some beer for his fellow inmates.

6. The constant misspelling of the word “Hon-ik-a.”

5. Rosenblat’s repeated boasting that he “shtupped” a young Elizabeth Taylor after the camp’s annual Springtime Ball.

4. The fact Angel at the Fence is actually a reference to Rosenblat’s reported visions of Androstene-fueled spirits roaming the outfield of the Tel Aviv Angels of Anaheim baseball stadium.

3. The constant depiction of Rosenblat as a Christ figure; particularly during the scene where, on a dare, he eats fifty pieces of bacon.

2. Rosenblat’s claim that while in the camp he was bunkmates with hall-of-fame pitcher Sandy Koufax.

1. The climactic scene where Roseblat and his wife escape death by keeping their eyes firmly shut as the camp commandant opens the Arc of the Covenant.

5. A Crime in Paris

Perez Hilton, America’s favorite fat homosexual celebrity-gossip blogger, is reporting that Paris Hilton, America’s favorite no-talent whore, was the victim of burglary on Thursday.

At least we know the crook wasn’t able to steal Paris’s dignity, since any trace of that was left on Rick Salomon’s donger about five years ago.

4. Jeremy Piven Bails on Broadway

Jeremy Piven has left David Mamet’s critically acclaimed Speed-the-Plow citing a doctor’s diagnosis that he has a high mercury count. If we could top Mamet’s response we would, but we can’t, so please enjoy the following:

“I talked to Jeremy on the phone, and he told me that he discovered that he had a very high level of mercury,” Mamet told Daily Variety. “So my understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer.”

3. Puff Daddy Fights Stereotypes (After Years of Reinforcing Them)

Puff Daddy don’t want to be no stereotype. His words: “I don’t want to play no musician, I don’t want to play a criminal – none of those stereotypical things. I want to play a lawyer.”

In all fairness, P. Diddy has already posed as a musician and a criminal. What’s so wrong with letting him pretend to be an attorney as well?

2. Fan Goes Crazy for David Copperfield

Just when you thought it was safe to be a magician’s assistant: this happens. One of David Copperfield’s assistants suffered severe injuries during the finale of his Vegas act.

The assistant reportedly was pulled into the blades of a 12-foot industrial fan. The injuries to the assistant aren’t believed to be life threatening, but the same cannot be said of the fan, which was destroyed.

Copperfield did not seem too distraught, stating, “I’ve lost tens of thousands of fans over the past few years, what’s one more?”

1. Listen to Your Friend Billy Zane 

EW’s Michael Ausiello is reporting that Samantha Who? producers have tapped Titanic baddie Billy Zane to replace Timothy Olyphant.

More like Samantha Who Gives a Flying Fuck?

What?  Not funny?  Eh, screw you.  I’m late for work.

Muchos gracias Marty Platinum para la assistance

Welcome to the Friday Five, our weekly recap of the events that shape your world.  We’re assuming you live in the world of show business and not some rundown shithole apartment in a once-prosperous suburb of Detroit where you raise your miserable family on the government handouts you’ve been forced to accept ever since you lost your job at the plant.

That being said, here we go…

5. Oprah Winfrey is Fat…Again

Oprah Winfrey has ballooned to a whopping 200 pounds, and says she has “fallen off the wagon” of healthy living.  We find it more likely that the wheels fell off the wagon right about the time the axles snapped in half under the strain of her enormous ass.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention consider a woman of Oprah’s weight and height to be “obese.”  It’s also worth noting that the Centers for Egotism Control consider a woman with her sense of self-importance to be a “cunt.”

4.  Golden Globes Nominations

The Hollywood Foreign Press announced its nominees for the Golden Globe Awards.  The late Heath Ledger was nominated for his role as the Joker.

We didn’t think a guy who’s been in the ground for 11 months would be able to bribe all those Euro-trash judges, but leave it to Heath to surprise us.

3. Actor Slits Throat on Stage…(that’s a good start)

An actor performing on stage in Vienna inadvertently slit is own throat when a prop knife he was using turned out to be real.

While the actor is set to make a full recovery, police are investigating whether the mix up was an accident or an attempted murder.

On a totally unrelated note, if you or anyone you know works as a prop handler for the television show Grey’s Anatomy, please email us immediately.  There may be some money in it for you if you have access to the “prop” HIV-infected needles.

2. Rapper Common: Obama Will Change Hip-Hop’s Attitude

In an interview with CNN, the rapper Common claimed that the election of Barack Obama “is going to change hip-hop for the better.”

“I think hip-hop artists will have no choice but to talk about different things and more positive things,” said the delusional fool.

Yeah, Common; why would rappers continue to rap about “Supermanning that ho” when they could bust rhymes about Obama’s health care plan, which “builds on the existing healthcare system, and uses existing providers, doctors and plans?”

That shit is off the chain.

1. Jennifer Aniston’s Naked

In an interview with GQ, Jennifer Aniston complained that “there are too many movies out there that don’t empower women.”

She then proceeded to take off her clothes and roll around naked in front of a photographer, which allows creeps like me to sit at home and jerk off to pictures of her titties.  If that’s not empowering, I don’t know what is.

Still, I can’t believe she’s almost 40.  If my wife looks half as hot at that age, I’ll be happy.  If my second wife looks half as hot at 30, I’ll be happy.

Special thanks to Marty Platinum and Aaron Castaway.

Show your support for this often misunderstood public servant…or just wear it around to piss people off.  You know you want to, dick!

Our friend B. Rock ordered a bunch of these on his mom’s credit card, and he needs to sell them all before she gets back from her most recent trip to Atlantic City.  Click here to check them out at FullBlownTees.com.

They make a great stocking stuffer…if you like to stuff your stockings with crap.

Thanksgiving is a time to reflect and “give thanks” for our many blessings.  We asked several of today’s hottest celebrities what they were thankful for….

	Britney Spears is thankful for her two wonderful children…and Roe v. Wade…in no particular order.
	Guy Ritchie is thankful to be over his debilitating eight-year case of dry twat.
	Perez Hilton is thankful for Paris Hilton, a generation of celebrity-obsessed retards, and assless chaps.
	Oscar the Grouch - “I’m thankful that Jim Henson is still dead.”
	Kirk Cameron - “I’m thankful that my role of Mike Seaver in Growing Pains allows me to spread the word of God to lost souls watching A&E at 4:00 am. I’m also thankful that so many of those lost souls have bought my book, Still Growing, in stores now.”
	Twilight star Robert Patterson is thankful that teenaged girls are so god damn stupid.
	Dr. Phil is thankful that middle aged women are so god damn stupid.
	Leonard Nemoy - “I’m thankful that JJ Abrams found a way to bring my only chance of working back from the dead…again.  Not even Jesus of Nazareth has topped that.” (Writer’s Commentary - “That’s my fave because I took a shot at Spock and Jesus.”)
	Gary Busey - “I’m thankful that the recent economic downturn hasn’t affected the quality or quantity of delicious honey produced by my ant farm.”
	Richard Gere is thankful that everyone forgot about “the whole gerbil thing.”  We didn’t.
	Sean “P. Diddy” Combs is thankful that Biggie Smalls took those potentially embarrassing rumors about bedwetting to the grave.
	Rosie O’Donnell is thankful to live in a culture where being an ignorant loud-mouthed muff diver gets you on television rather than stoned to death in the town square.

Congratulation to Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz on their new arrival, Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Based on these parenting tips from Ashlee, we know the kid is in good hands…

1. If your baby comes out a few shades darker than normal, reassure your husband that it’s just because the baby, much like its father, has the rhythm & soul of a black man.

2. Baby formula and cocaine are similar in color and texture, so the Enfamil container is a great place to hide your stash. Just don’t forget it’s in there, or you’re going to have a hell of a time getting your kid to sleep.

3. While most babies can’t live on mayonnaise alone, the really strong ones can.

4. If you’re pregnant for the second time, have an abortion. I’m sure the baby would rather die than live in the shadow of its more attractive older sibling.

5. Remember ladies; not everyone can land a professional football player. But suicidal bi-sexual emo singers make great fathers too.

6. Whatever you do, don’t let “Uncle Tony” hold the baby. He couldn’t hang onto a balloon if he was wearing duct tape gloves.

7. If your new-born child turns out to be one of those talking baby geniuses, put it in a sack and throw it off a bridge. I’ve read my bible, and talking babies ain’t in there.

8. Make sure the vocal track is turned all the way up before lip syncing lullabies to your baby.

9. If your baby’s nose doesn’t look right, set aside $5000 and invest in a low cost indexed fund. Otherwise, inflation will kill you on the cost of rhinoplasty when your child turns 13.

10. When selecting a brand of diapers, DO NOT purchase Huggies. Do you know how many Huggy Bears they kill each year to make those?

11. If your baby develops slowly, it might not be as retarded as you think. My parents thought I was retarded and look how I turned out.

12. Ladies, remember to always put your purse in the back seat so that when you get out of the car you don’t forget your baby.

13. Raising a newborn is hard, thankless work. Make sure you hire enough Guatemalans to handle the job.

14. Remember, you don’t need to come up with a clever name like Bronx Mowgli to make sure your kid stands out. Tattooing the words “Homo Handjob” onto his forehead should work just as well.

If this site isn’t stupid or vulgar enough for you, be sure to check out our friends at Can I Get a Verdict! They stole our layout…and our hearts!