The Ashlee Simpson Guide to Newborn Babies
Congratulation to Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz on their new arrival, Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Based on these parenting tips from Ashlee, we know the kid is in good hands…
1. If your baby comes out a few shades darker than normal, reassure your husband that it’s just because the baby, much like its father, has the rhythm & soul of a black man.
2. Baby formula and cocaine are similar in color and texture, so the Enfamil container is a great place to hide your stash. Just don’t forget it’s in there, or you’re going to have a hell of a time getting your kid to sleep.
3. While most babies can’t live on mayonnaise alone, the really strong ones can.
4. If you’re pregnant for the second time, have an abortion. I’m sure the baby would rather die than live in the shadow of its more attractive older sibling.
5. Remember ladies; not everyone can land a professional football player. But suicidal bi-sexual emo singers make great fathers too.
6. Whatever you do, don’t let “Uncle Tony” hold the baby. He couldn’t hang onto a balloon if he was wearing duct tape gloves.
7. If your new-born child turns out to be one of those talking baby geniuses, put it in a sack and throw it off a bridge. I’ve read my bible, and talking babies ain’t in there.
8. Make sure the vocal track is turned all the way up before lip syncing lullabies to your baby.
9. If your baby’s nose doesn’t look right, set aside $5000 and invest in a low cost indexed fund. Otherwise, inflation will kill you on the cost of rhinoplasty when your child turns 13.
10. When selecting a brand of diapers, DO NOT purchase Huggies. Do you know how many Huggy Bears they kill each year to make those?
11. If your baby develops slowly, it might not be as retarded as you think. My parents thought I was retarded and look how I turned out.
12. Ladies, remember to always put your purse in the back seat so that when you get out of the car you don’t forget your baby.
13. Raising a newborn is hard, thankless work. Make sure you hire enough Guatemalans to handle the job.
14. Remember, you don’t need to come up with a clever name like Bronx Mowgli to make sure your kid stands out. Tattooing the words “Homo Handjob” onto his forehead should work just as well.
Though I’ll agree wtih you on the “stupid” and “vulgar” bit….we didn’t seal SHIT!
#1 a gem.
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Except my heart…
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You guys are good shits. #3 brought me in and #4 crushed it.
Have they set the over under yet on when this kids gonna buy it? Without knowing, I’m already leaning toward the under.
To all the parent who 20-25 years ago thought is was cool to name your kid Brooklyn: Look, see what you did… Do you see, DO YOU SEE!!!
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#3 is pure fucking gold. Holy shit. That was some Jack Handy kinda shit right there.
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My Jack Russell Terrier’s name is Bronx. Don’t they know that’s a dog’s name? What retards!
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If your baby won’t stop crying, do what my father always did. Punch it in the face repeatedly until it stops.
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that shit is just wrong… ashlee is going to be a great mother and i doubt she would agree with any of the ‘tips’ you claim she endorses
you go bronx!
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I liked this list. My friend sent me the link, but the best part was that I ended up getting a “Fuck Tibet” t-shirt out of it. I hate that place!
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#7 is great! I wish Kirstie Alley would have taken that advice in Look Who’s Talking Too. It would have saved me the 88 minutes of my life that I lost watching that piece of shit sequel last weekend.
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This shit makes me feel gay… gay as in happy. What, did you think I meant gay as in gay? Well, it kinda makes me feel that way too. But just a little.
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I hate that whore and the fag she reproduced with. Can’t wait for Jessica Simpson’s baby. God willing they’ll get the name right on that one… Homo Georgeofthejungle Romo.
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oMG you are sooooo mean.. cant you guys at lest let her have one or day with her new bumdle of joy!!???
and I gon’t think they would be sooo dum to give a baby cocane. ok?
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I read about your “writers” on this site and it turns out you’re just a couple of Arab guys in some insane asylum in California. I happen to know the Simpson family and if I ever find you I suggest that you watch your back. Out here in Texas we don’t take to kindly to your kind.
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Tessie, you’re a whore. Take a joke. And no, they are probably not “dum” enough to give a baby “cocane” but I suspect you would be.
Von Ruff, go fuck yourself. Do you really think that mentally defect Arabs write for this site? And do you really think anyone will believe that you know the Simpson family? Die.
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Most of the day and much of the radio spots today kept talking about how bad Citibank is doing and how people should stay away… yada yada They must want everyone out of it so they can run it back up to some sort of normalcy. I have yet to hear them discuss a single stock like that all day long beofre so I think its time to mive in on it and grab some. THe govt has given them a 25billion infusion so I doubt they will fail or be let to fail. I’d throw a thousand bucks at it and hang on for 5 yrs. IF it ends up at 20 in that time and it sure might, you win. If not , write it off.
Here’s a story to think about: back when the DOTCOMS blew up and PCLN and AMZn and YHOO (and many others ) all went to single digits I was going to buy a couple hundred of shares of each and make wallhangings of the stocks.
Had I done that it would have cost about 3 or 4 thousand bucks. Alas , I never did it. HAd I done it I would have been able to sell PCLN for more than 100 a share from $2.00 in 2001 YHOO for 50 at some point AMZN for 90 and I would have amassed nearly $75,000 out of about $4,000. The risk here is worth the shot. Just be sure you can afford to loose it if it never rises again. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
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TooBadSoSad, what… the… fuck? Really? Do you even have any clue what website you post these comments on? Take your financial advice and shove it up your optimistic ass. I hate you.
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I liked 13 out of 14. Which one did I not like? I’ll never tell. I’m sure the mystery will infuriate you Iron Fister!!!
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Candy Ass, I already know which one you don’t like. The one about Guatemalans because only a Guatemalan would post a comment under the name “Candy Ass”. Go to hell.
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“…suicidal bi-sexual emo singers..” is being too nice in regards to that talentless jerkoff asswipe father of the kid.
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China Arnold’s tip #32610 to newborn babies :
You know that thing that goes beep beep after you cook your favorite meal? Kids don’t belong there. You’re safer to warm up milk in the actual beep beep microwave than to warm the baby itself. You have less questions to answer in court after all. And it won’t be browned more y’all.
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