Robert Pattinson Teaches How To Beat Up Dogs

Robert Pattinson

Robert Pattinson wants to teach you how to beat up dogs! “It is surprisingly easy” says the actor.

What started as a hobby for Pattinson has turned into a full grown obsession.

“Let’s be honest I’m cowardly and feeble, I don’t stand a chance in a fight with most humans. That is why I just love beating up dogs! They are so small and trusting, and they know very little about modern fighting techniques and weapons. After mopping the floor with a mangy mutt I finally feel like a big man.” said RPatz.

Now Robert Pattinson wants to share his love with the world, by teaching everyone about the joys of dog ass-kicking. And what better way to reach the people then a late night infomercial! The infomercial for Robert Pattinson’s “How To Beat Up Dogs” DVD will start airing in early November in select local markets.

“We are concentrating our marketing efforts in the suburbs of Fort Wayne, IN and Great Falls, MO, because we’ve heard that they have some real sass-mouthed canines there that need to be put in their place. But we hope to expand to larger markets like Baton Rogue and Sacramento by Christmas time.”

The Twilight star concluded by saying, “Don’t take guff from dogs like a chump. Buy my DVD today!”

  • Dead Ed

    As an avid donator to the AHS, I would drag his little bitch ass by his bed head down the block of whatever block I find him on.

  • Idiot

    Idiot Dead Ed. Do your research. He never said that you turd. He has a small dog that he adores. Get bent.

    • Dead Ed

      Fuck you, you fuckin’ idiot. I didn’t make the satire. If you can’t play along with the joke, you get bent yourself, IDIOT!

  • Sean Serritella

    Maybe he wants to fuck the dogs instead.

  • Dead Ed

    Hey, Durka Durka, I’ve been invited to a Halloween fancy dress party this weekend.
    I’ve decided to go as a Muslim with a backpack.
    Doesn’t come much fucking scarier than that, does it?

  • The Ultimate Homo!

    I will strap a bomb to my chest and carry a copy of the Koran and recite verses in Arabic and wear a turban and arm myself with box cutters and look for Dead Ed and then… KABOOM!!!

    No more Dead Ed!

    The Ultimate Homo strikes again!

  • wow

    why would you make this up. this isnt real.