Robert Pattinson Humps His Pillow
Depressed about his recent breakup with Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson has taken to humping pillows.
According to sources, Pattinson checked himself in to a Motel 6 in Valencia, CA on Friday. Since then, other motel guests have been complaining about the loud sobbing that comes from Pattinson’s room at all hours of the night. The only time the crying seems to stop is during one of Pattinson’s vigorous pillow-humping sessions, which happen three-to-four times a day, and last for about five-to-seven minutes each.
During the hump sessions, guests and staff members can clearly hear Pattinson’s bed creaking violently while the star yells out at the top of his lungs, “I am humping a pillow.”
Pattinson reportedly comes out of his room for 10 minutes each day in order to allow the housekeeping staff to replace his soiled pillowcases, and to stock up on Lipton Cup O Soups from the motel vending machine.
Motel workers who have seem the inside of the room say it looks like a war zone, with empty Cup O Soups strewn about and the palpable stench of semen and tears lingering in the air.
It is also reported that the walls of the room are covered in Kristen Stewart’s Twilight posters, with the exception of the space on the ceiling directly above the bed, which is reserved for a poster of Pattinson’s shirtless Twilight co-star, Taylor Lautner.
Friends of Pattinson say the star needs to pull himself together, and suggest that he should find fat girl to use as a “slump buster,” adding that there is no shortage of eager fat girls among his “Twihard” fanbase.
This is hilarious BULL SHIT…
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Please! Can the author of this story get a life? Maybe this is what you do behind closed doors. Not Rob Pattinson. Oh, by the way, he happens to be in Japan promoting New Moon you moron.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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It’s a joke, moron. Do you honestly think this person was serious when he said the hotel room smells like tears and semen? WTF????
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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Scientists have announced that the Twilight series may NOT be the biggest load of utter bull shit ever written.
Decide for yourself: Read the health care bill.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Do you remember a long time ago when witches were something to be feared? Then Harry Potter came along. We used to fear vampires too, until Twilight…
So I went to a library and asked for a book on Obama’s autobiography and Marx and Engel’s Communist Manifesto.
I knew what I was getting myself into, but fuck me, this guy is the only thing left that’s scary. Same socialist agenda.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Today, I was studying biochemistry when I read about a disease called Edwards’ syndrome that causes profound mental retardation and an oddly shaped head.
It reminded me of Twilight’s Edward (Robert Pattinson).
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Did you know if you watch Twilight backwards, it’s still shit?
A word to all you emo vamp cunts or whatever you call yourselves these days.
The new Twilight movie is out soon, and I know your shit teen magazines are telling you that pale is the new tan. In that vain, you could:
A) stay in your basement out of the sun wallowing in self pity, or
B) Slit your wrists since the blood loss will help with your complexion.
I personally recommend you do both.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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I suggest you go drown yourself in a vat of your own shit. You’re such a loser, hanging out on sites like this, cracking lameass jokes, talking sh!t that no one cares about. Get a damn life! You’re as bad as the Twi-hards. Flooding a damn gossip/joke board with your pathetic political agenda. Who fvcking cares? It’s not fvcking “Election 2012.”
Obama won. Get over it. Jackass.
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Hey, Liberals, we don’t lower our standards. So UP yours.
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Snark and sarcasm are no match for intellect and research.
You started this mess. What do you have to say? NOTHING!
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Every time Dead Ed™ wins a debate, an angel gets their wings.
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Liberalism is constapation of the brain. So hear’s your laxative.
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Hey, douchebag. Try reading a grammar manual. It’s ‘HERE.’
Dumbass.
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YOU ARE ALL NASTY PERVS WHO NEED TO GET A LIFE AND LEAVE THE AVERGE EVERY DAY STARS ALONE GOT IT PERVS IF THATS HOW HE DEALS WITH HIS BREAK UP . SO BE IT AND PEOPLE ARE A LOT WORSE TRUST ME’
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It’s obviously a joke. What’s your IQ? MInus 100? Can you even read or does humor go completely over your head?
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OH MY GOD IT’S BILLY MAYS!!!
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The twihards posting on here defending a guy whose shit they will never get to smell, should pretty much kill themselves.
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Do you sit around dreaming about smelling people’s shit or something? You should pretty much get psychiatric help.
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HAHAHAHHA LMAO i started tearing up cause of the descriptive, yet bullshitted, picture in my mind. THIS IS SO FAKE and disgusting. Like Rob would EVER be that phsyco. Please, please, give him more credit for that you retarted author of this ‘informational article’.
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It’s not supposed to be REAL!!!! How can it not be obvious to you that it’s a JOKE!!!!
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Don’t understand why people get so defensive over a piece-of-shit article like this anyways… No, it’s not true. Yes, it’s a joke (if a very immature and poorly written one). STILL, the author is a douchebag.
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hahahaha, yer its funny but you can’t get much more unrealistice than that. why would a star embaress himself by yelling that he humps his pillow? and the posters? come on…….
stop with the bullshit
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brrrhahahaha, Rob humps his pillow, soo funny I cant stop laugh, very funny.. HUMPS HIS PILLOW, hahahahahahaha soo funny. I know this is full of bullshit,, Rob is not that kind of person to HUMPS HIS PILLOW, hahahahahaha.. I cant stop laugh loud.. Oh man ur good one but bullshit..
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THIS IS ALL LIES I TELL YOU LIES
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Lol, I see yet another person making up yet another rumor with Robert Pattinson’s name in it just to get hits. You’re that boring that you had to stoop that low as to name drop a high profile celeb just to get traffic to your website? Lame.
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You’re Rightt Theree Just Sayingg It Was Rob Becausee Hess Ratherr Famous At Thee Moment ! And Appearently Kristen And Robert Ain’t Goingg Out But Leavee Himm Alonee If He Does Thaat (Which I Doubt) Then Let Himm Do Thaat !!!!
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Now I like Robert Pattinson and I like Twilight but I found this FUNNY AS FUCK!
The line “palpable stench of semen and tears lingering in the air” is like poetry…*walks off sniggering*
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Thank you!!! Finally, another fan who is not also a total moron.
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Ok, like anyone would believe this? You guys, calm down.
I love Rob, yet I find this absolutely HILARIOUS.
No one in their right mind will take this as a rumor and have it believed.
Chill.
Btw, I <3 whoever wrote this.
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what a load of “poo”!
You People need to get a life and wirte about stuff that is at least belivable RELLY!!!!!!
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I’m a huge fan… and I think it’s really funny, full of irony.
I suspect Rob would enjoy the humour of it too!
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THIS IS A CROCK OF SH..! Whoever posted this should be hung,come on REALLY!!!!
And if you beleive Kristen calling it off between them, then they got you good!!!
Just let them be in peace and enjoy the movies they make for us to see!!!
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That was hilarious!!! Oh the imagery. Please write more.
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Yes, it’s true. Robert has found consolation … in me.
EAT YOUR HEARTS OUT BEOTCHES!
~ Pillow
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Duh
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what exactly does tears and semen smell like anyway? wait…don’t answer that
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I just found out WHY Robert Pattinson’s girlfriend broke up with him.
Hey, Robert. Getting your girlfriend to agree to try anal isn’t made any easier when you tell her how willing your last girlfriend was.
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What the hell is that? This isn’t true. Why do you write so extremly rubbish? It’s disgusting. I’ver never seen such big lies in my life!!!
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What a bull shit! Bloody stupid!!!
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I think I read CelebJihad too much. I was taking a geography exam today and a few of the questions were:
“The most messiest outbreak of spiders came from where…?”
- I answered: Lady Gaga’s crotch.
“Who do Muslims look to as great…?”
- I answered: I never realised Muslims were such massive “Return of the Jedi” fans.
Every time I pass a mosque I hear them chanting for Admiral Ackbar.
“Based on recent results in central Ethiopia, 9 out of 10 people what…?”
- I answered: humps their pillow.
“Who was the biggest threat to the Muslim world…?”
- I answered: Beyonce.
“The most brutal beating Europe has faced was…?”
- I answered: Chris Brown.
These are just a few.
Needless to say I failed.
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This is not funny! Fan jealousy is the leading cause of death among celebrity partners. Do you realize what you’ve brought about? Thousands of teenage girls will band together, massacring every pillow in sight. And studies show that pillows are soft and cannot easily defend themselves. Millions upon millions of pillows will die at the hands of jealous, cock-deprived Twilight fans in a mass genocide the likes of which this world has never seen. We will inevitably be forced to find other, less effective methods of head and neck support during sleep. Do you want that? I didn’t think so.
The pillows are innocent victims!
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LMAO!
XDDDDDD
that was a good laugh~
Though, I hope the silly little twilight fanfags KNOW that it is OBVIOUSLY fake~ because of they think its real then they clearly are no fans of this Twilight bad-actor~
;D
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LMFAO, ok this is hilarious,
I love Rob, but the images this conjures up are so funny!!
The article is obviously having a dig at all the stupid articles written about Rob Pattinson.
Space Orange, love your comment, I feel sorry for those poor pillows!
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You jerkfaces leave poor Rob alone! He doesn’t deserve this crap! GOOD GOSH. Quit writing crap like this! YOU BUMHEADS ARE ALL JERKS. Leave him ALONE.
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