Robert Pattinson Cancels Appearance Due to Hemorrhoids

Actor and Twilight heartthrob Robert Pattinson was forced to cancel an appearance this afternoon due to a severe case of hemorrhoids, sources close to the actor say.

The hemorrhoids, which are rumored to be the size of ping-pong balls, are reportedly limiting Pattinson’s mobility and causing extreme discomfort.

Pattinson was scheduled to perform a vampire-themed interpretive dance at a Flint, Michigan, VFW post. The actor’s publicist announced the cancellation just twenty minutes before showtime, much to the chagrin of the dozens of local vets in attendance.

Medical experts believe that hemorrhoids can be caused by any number of factors including diet, hygiene, or the sound of thousands of fat teenage girls repeatedly screaming your name.

  • Get well

    Get well soon, Robert! We love you!

    • David

      You are aware what a hemorrhoid is right? I’m guessing this 12 year old girl isn’t aware of anything reality wise :S

  • hillary clinton

    quit takin it the nono hole an that wont happen!!!!

  • Jabbar ibn Husayn al-Mutrah

    This is his curse from Allah for consuming blood!

  • Karys

    Awesome pics & awesome tits !! Love Olivia Munn from hair to toe. Would love to seen her in even more andirg shoots like this & better. Thanks a lot for the awesome post. Plz continue the good work.