Dead Ted Kennedy Jokes

Ted Kennedy

Ted Kennedy the beloved murdering alcoholic from Massachusetts has died of brain cancer. Let us honor his memory with some dead Ted Kennedy jokes.


  • What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Teddy Kennedy? About 2 months of decay!
  • Ted Kennedy has been sober for 12 hours now.
  • Ted Kennedy carries on the tradition of his brothers by dying with something lodged in his brain.
  • What did Teddy tell Mary Jo when he found out she was pregnant? We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.
  • I wonder if Ted Kennedy’s funeral will be open bar?
  • Ted also had a plan to stimulate the Auto industry but his program was called “cash for kerplunkers”.
  • How did people find out Ted was dead? He didn’t show up to the bar this morning.
  • I’d rather go hunting with Cheney than driving with Ted Kennedy.
  • Ted Kennedy never became president because unlike George Washington, he couldn’t cross a river.
  • Ted is dead, its all just water under the bridge now.
  • With news of Ted’s death, the Massachusetts liquor industry is now going to need a bailout.
  • What’s black, white and hungry? Ted Kennedy’s cat!

  • Dead Ed

    Ted was the bartender at Barack Obama’s innauguration.

  • wow

    A new low! Hooray!

  • rob

    this is absolutely disgusting you should be ashamed of yourself

    • Mike

      Ted Kennedy deserved to die, the lying drunk corrupt murder! AMEN

  • Rob2

    Thou shall not be ashamed of thou self…

    I just hope that Mary Jo was there when Ted got to the pearly gates and she got to bitch slap his fat ass straight to hell!

    Chivas for everyone! *except for his kid Patrick who had to be pulled out of rehab to vote on the cap and trade bill…

  • Tracy

    Dead Ted jokes wouldn’t be in such bad taste if they were funny. and it should be what Ted said to when Mary Jo thought she was pregnant, ‘We’ll drive off that bridge when we get there.’

  • God

    I approve! Love the site keep it up..oh and add more tits and ass to the site

  • Max Yasgur

    Thanks for your political incorrectness, I find it refreshing that the media finally has something other than Michael Jackson to inundate my CATV with 24/7. I hope that fat alcoholic bastard is smoking a large turd in Hell as we speak.

    • Braniff

      Politically incorrect? So is driving off a bridge and abandoning a woman to die–when done by a leader in the United States Senate. (I have been called a liberal, by the way. Moreover, the theories that Kennedy was not responsible are in the same gallery with those which say that the moon landings were faked.)

  • Max Yasgur

    I understand cremation was briefly considered as an option but rejected because of the fire hazard his alcohol besotted corpse represents……..

  • Charles

    I thought the cash for kerplunkers was some funny shit.


  • Frank W

    Ted’s discovery of brain cancer and his death will encourage all liberals to get a colonoscopy.

  • jon

    explain the cat joke

  • Dead Ed

    Did he ever finish writing that book that he was working on with his dog, from the dog’s point of view?

    I find it funny that his dog is a Portugese Water Dog. But isn’t it wrong that his dog’s name is “Splash”? That would be like that guy Jack Abramoff naming his dog “Bribe”, or that guy with the money in his freezer naming his dog “Blizzard”.

  • Richard

    Rob, Wow, if this is disgusting then how do you describe Ted Kennedy’s enthusiasm for jokes about the death for which he was entirely responsible?

  • wow

    I want to touch all of your pp’s.

  • liberalhater

    TED is DEAD..liberal are already brain dead…no big deal

  • Theresa

    I was a little disappointed with the jokes. I thought they’d be funnier.

    What’s the difference between Ted Kennedy and a Skid Row bum?

    — A $3,000 Armani Suit

  • mocajavawv

    A funny thing happened on the way to Arlington Cemetery:

  • dajudge

    Ted wanted to be buried at sea, but they were afraid that the atlantic ocean would be 30 proof

  • Fred

    Do you think Mary Jo will get to Waterboard him for eternity?

    • Braniff

      That’s a good one! Keep them coming!

  • dajudge

    Senator Kennedy’s funeral ended with the singing of the Massachusets state song. “Like a bridge over troubled waters Ted will let you drown.”

  • Tom

    The Kennedy brothers assembled for their trip to Heaven. Ted says “I’ll drive”, Bobby says “shut up, I’m driving, we have to stop at Blue Pantry first” John yells “shotgun, I call shotgun” Bobby ducks, then says ” that’s not funny, are you out of you’re mind…uh, sorry” Joe mumbles to himself ” hopefully, we’re not gonna fly” (As a side note, John Jr. adds ” yeah, I got seasick the last time I flew”)

  • Jack Conte

    Ted Kennedy dies and wakes up in what appears to be an old town tavern in Boston. He is greeted by his brothers JFK and RFK. and this is what happened…

    Ted: Ahww, whare am Eye?
    JFK: Welcome ah Teddy. We’ve ben waitin’ forw ya. Ahw me and Bobby that is.
    Ted: Johnny, Bobby am Eye, am Eye…
    JFK: Relax there Teddy. Yes your dead. But your here now so let me ahw show you around.
    RFK: Look at this place Teddy. Your favorite beer that never stops flowin’ from the tap. Beer mugs that stay cold. Giant flat screens T.V.s all around .
    Ted: Whoa! You gotta be kidding? Is this Heaven or what?
    JFK: Well not exactly…
    Ted: Well whattaya mean John? Cold beer, a Boston tavern, big screen T.Vs, Lets watch the Sowx.
    RFK: It’s nowt that simple Teddy. Theres one problem.
    Ted: What could be the problem Bobby?
    RFK: We only get the YES network.
    Ted: AHHWWWWWWWW… This is Hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    *YES (Yankees Entertainment Sports)

  • dajudge

    Ted’s pall bearers were the cast of his favorite movie. A Bridge too Far

  • Ricardovitz

    Where’s Ted right now?

    Being waterboarded by the Mary Jo’s spirit until he confesses to her murder.

    Where’s Ted going to be after that?

    Being waterboarded by the dead Harvard Alumni until he confesses to cheating his way through Harvard.

    Where’s Ted going to be after that?

    Being waterboarded by the America’s Founding Fathers until he confesses to selling off the United States to enemy nations.

    Where’s Ted going to be after that?

    On fire. When the everyone’s done waterboarding Dead Ted, thar won’t be no water left to keep the Devil’s flames from setting his soul a blaze.

  • amanda

    “Ted’s discovery of brain cancer and his death will encourage all liberals to get a colonoscopy.” Too funny – Love it!

  • Diane Henrick

    You ppl are in a class all your own, just not sure what that is!!

  • Dead Ed

    They need to bury Obamacare with Ted Kennedy.

  • Ricardovitz

    Ain’t no need to embalm Dead Ted Kennedy’s body – it’s so liquored up with alcohol that it’ll outlast even them Egyptian Pharoes.

    Teddy Kennedy shat in the hall
    Teddy Kennedy got too liquored up at the President’s ball
    All the Queer men and all the Queer horses
    couldn’t stuff all that shat back inside ‘ol Ted once again.

  • Ricardovitz

    I’m Ted Kennedy’s long lost son. I better be gettin my fair share of the inheritence. If he just leaves me all of his booze and his secrets on how to commit murder, be a retard, and get the Lemmings of Massachusets to vote for him year after year, I’ll be alright………otherwise, I’m fixin to sue that old turd’s estate!

  • jimmy t

    these are great, fuk that bloated murdering puman turd, best irony ever is if brown beats coakley and votes down the chimps healthcare fiasco in fat teddy the swimmers stead

  • Ricardovitz

    “The Brown Shirts are coming…..The Brown Shirts are coming…..”
    “And, Martha, if I was still alive, I’d be cumming all over you, ya little tart.”

    Your eternally damned and horney runt-stud, Ted “maggot-eyes” Kennedy.

  • RJH

    When are they going to bury the rest of Ted Kennedy’s body? I heard they just buried the ass hole a few months ago.

  • Ricardovitz

    Ted, Ted Ted
    yer Dead Dead Dead.
    Ya were a grand liar, a great deceiver, ‘n never on the level,
    Now yer pay’in fer killin Mary Jo courtesy of the Devil.
    Yer silver toung git you lots ‘o power ‘n money once you was ‘live,
    Yet, its yer legacy of evil and murder that is all that survive.

  • Ricardovitz

    Two Senators die and meet eachother at the Pearly Gates.
    But, they don’t see St. Peter anywhere to be found.
    So, the two Senators, one tall and one short start chit chattin while waiting for St. Peter.
    The Tall Senator asks: “So, what’s the worst thing you ever done”? To which the Short Senator replied “Well, when I was young, I raped a girl, beat her up pretty good and then drowned her so she wouldn’t ruin my political career.
    Short Senator asks “how about you – what’s the worst thing you ever done”?
    Tall Senator said: “Well, I was the leader of the KKK, Recruited some down right mean folks ‘n burned a few googles at a cross-lighting, bribed a bunch of officials to get pork-money to my home State, but the worst thing I did was not carrying through with my assassination threats to kill that bratty little fuck who raped and killed my illigitimate daughter, Mary Jo.