Confessions From Neverland
Celeb Jihad has exclusive interviews with staff workers at Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch. These are the real people who saw the real Michael Jackson up close and, often times, way too personal. You won’t get these on CNN, FOX or even TMZ. Why? Because they didn’t think to send a meth head to work undercover as a “child wrangler” at Neverland ranch. Now that’s investigative journalism.
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“Mr Jackson had me order $15,000 in Plantain trees, and plant them throughout the property. He said he wanted those “sweet tiny bananas that fit in my mouth.” Michael was surprisingly agile. He would scamper up those trees like a little spider monkey to suckle on those plantains. He usually would not even wait for them to ripen.” Emmanuel Scott, Neverland’s Grounds Keeper |
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“Mr. Michael do some loco things. Sometime he come in my chamber and tell me I boy named Magnus. I say ‘No Mr. Michael, I Isabel!’ and he say to shut up and earn pay. Those nights muy malo. I no sleep good after that.” Isabel Urenda, Neverland Maid, Guest House #2 |
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“Man, that cat was a crazy mutha. One time I caught him tea-baggin’ a copy of Tiger Beat when he thought no one was around. Who tea-bags a magazine anyway? Sheeyit.” LaMont Johnson, Neverland Porcelin Detail Specialist |
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“The media keeps talking about how much he spent a month on prescription drugs, but that was nothing when compared to some of his other monthly expenses. For instance, he spent $12,200 a month training male koalas to rape light-skinned mannequins. He also paid a homeless man $24,500 a month to act as a scout for new runaways on the Hollywood area. These are only a few of the odder activities I was aware of.” Winston Jefferson III, Neverland Bookkeeper |
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“One time I saw him take a magazine photo of Lisa Marie Presley into the yard, pull down his pants and take a poo-poo on it. Then he calmly picked it up, folded it in half and shoved it down the front of a butler’s pants. The weird thing about that story is that it doesn’t even crack the top ten list of craziest shit I seen him do.” Deshawn Hess, Neverland Dishwasher |
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“He used to dry hump llamas a lot. The llamas didn’t seem to like it much, but Mike sure did.” Carlton Throop, Neverland Rollercoaster Repairman |
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“I was somewhat disturbed that the face on the waxwork figure of Elizabeth Taylor in Michael’s bedroom had to be regularly refurbished due to apparent melt marks. That and the accompanying stench of urine…” Enrico Castellano, Neverland Collectible Thimble Curator. |
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“I remember on one occasion myself and one of the maids returned unexpectedly early from a night at the movies. We were horrified to see McCauley Culkin running across the lobby towards us, stark naked, with Michael in hot pursuit. It was only when he got closer that we realized that Michael had shaved Bubbles again! Oh how we laughed!” Consuela Guerra, Neverland Napkin Co-ordinator (breakfasts and brunches) |
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“The oddest thing I ever saw him do was make Macaulay Culkin tear off both ends of a Pixie Stick, pour it onto a mirror and snort it through the straw. But that wasn’t the weird part. After that he shoved and entire king-size box of Ju Ju Bees up his own ass and then they rode Pirates of the Carribean to trip out on their ’sugar high.’” Walter MacKenzie, Private Movieroom Concession Vendor |
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“One time I thought I walked in on him having sex with a woman, but then I realized it was just the fat kid from Two and a Half Men.” Cecil Higgins, Night Shift Private Investigator |
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“Every Friday it was my job to blow bubbles. Also, on Tuesdays I would perform oral sex on his pet chimp, whose name I cannot recall at this time.” Mike Luguna – Head of Bubble Blowing Operations and Chimp Fellatio Management |
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“It was my job to make sure that the Never Land bathrooms were stocked with enough feminine care products to accommodate the female guests. I stopped going to work in 1997, but he never noticed. He still sends me a check twice a month.” Margret Joiner -Feminine-Care Product Coordinator |
I remember the time he and Tito gang-raped Fatbottom at 3:30 in the afternoon on a Tuesday.
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all you people on here need to get a life and leavE michael alone
you only WISHED he knew your name!!!!!!!!!!
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I’ve been gone for months, and you’re still bringing me up? Fag.
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Dude, what is up with your infatuation with Fatbottom?
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If by infatuation you mean deep hatred, it stems from past comment boards across the internet. We first sparred on AOL instant messenger in 1998, then took it to a Yahoo! chatroom in 2001 titled “SlamFest ‘01″ in which many 12+ hour sessions of hate-filled insults were hurled back and forth with only occasional interruptions from Fatbottom’s aunt (with whom he lives) demanding that he cook her dinner, massage her back or cover her shift on the 976 line she ran from home. From there we crossed paths on various comedy, fitness, anti-semetic and celebrity based website comment boards, the most recent being CelebJihad.
So Dead Ed, does that answer your question?
And Fatbottom, if I am, as you declare, ‘bringing you up’ then I would suggest it is you, not me, who is the fag.
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I never lived with my aunt. She lived with me. GOT IT!?
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That’s an interesting story. What a history…
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iron fister….eat shit and die of a.i.d.s
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Hey A Whitey, if I did eat shit I assume the only way I would die of a.i.d.s. would be An Infected Dysentery Symptom. The way you will die of AIDS is by getting fucked in the ass by a strange cock in a train station bathroom.
Hey Fatbottom, if you want to get technical, the taxpayers of Michigan own your welfare home and so you and your aunt live with them.
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Don’t give out my personal info you twat!
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I didn’t ask how it would happen. I just said do it. Eat shit, die of aids
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you have some type of weird infatuation with shit for some odd reason. Did you play with yours as a child???
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who the fuck was talking to you SHIThead!
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your daddy punk ass bitch.
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wow, good one
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i hate all these people making up dumb stories
get a life and leave michael alone!!!
LOVE you michael
R.I.P
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What a crock of crap all of these are, some of the faces of the people used are not even the real people. If you believe everything you read then your the kind of ignorant people that write this kind of rubbish. I’ll say no more than let this man rest in peace now he is no longer around to defend himself x
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Wow Tim Dale, did you deduce this all by yourself? I love that you identified that some of the faces of the people used are not even the real people. Does that imply that you believe some of the faces are the real people? And I couldn’t help but notice you didn’t question the job titles. Perhaps that’s because you think that Enrico Castellano, Neverland Collectible Thimble Curator is an actual employee for an actual position at Neverland. I question your (sp) ability to call others ignorant.
And you’re (note the spelling genius) right. I’m sure if Mike were alive today he’d be quick to jump on this website’s comment board and defend the slanderous content of this article. Oh, and I’m also sure he’d be completely lucid and sober while doing it.
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IF, why don’t you be a little nicer to people. Maybe that way you’ll make some real friends instead of just internet enemies.
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Tim,
I think it’s all 100% real. I mean, it is on the internet.
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Winston Jefferson III, Neverland Bookeeper looks like “Borat”.
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Half of the bs you read on the internet is not real, and MJ was a caring person so can we all just get along and let the men rest in peace
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you people belong in rehab.no one in their right minds would believe this crap.you people need to leave michael alone!
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MJ never left kids alone, so, no.
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don’t erase the fact that you guys are idiot
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You’re the celebrity-worshiping-braindead-Mick-Jackobot-zombie-idiot-no-matter-what-celebrities-r-accused-of-doing
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nope, that be yo momma!
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