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An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
“Let’s have a party, Homer,” she suggested. “Let’s kill a pig.”
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. “Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”

Happy April Fool’s Day!

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IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get dynamite oral sex.
Second Date: You get more great oral sex.
Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and you never get oral sex again.

CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing hapens again.
Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She’s pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father’s girlfriend’s mother, her two cousins, her sister’s boyfriend and his three kids move in … and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.

The POINT?
DON’T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN??!!

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In the WEST? Oh boy. You gotta go see how Koreans are treated in Japan or Jews in Russia or Pakistanis in India or members of different tribes in Kenya. (For example, no member of President Obama’s ancestral tribe could EVER hope to lead that nation.)

You can come to America and become an American. You can’t go to China and become Chinese, or Mexico and become a Mexican — and while we’re talking bout immigrant rights, go look into the way they’re treated in Mexico. You cannot buy land, you cannot own a business, you cannot vote or speak out or get social services.

I know that was a throwaway line, but I’d urge you to step out of your cocoon. America, yes, “has many problems.” But there’s a reason immigrants have come here on boat and bus and train and plane for 200 years, and it’s not because they “get a bad rap.”

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I’m a 30 year old man with a teaching certification, but I don’t know if I can use it yet because I broke away from Catholicism and joined the Free Masons. Although I am a Protestant now, I avoided church for a while, it just seemed like too much trouble. Too much land crazy Irishness for me, I’ve had people following me around for years, shooting at me threatening me with my life, it made joining the Masons easy. Everyone wants extreme emotional reactions from me. Pushing Harry Potter and Dungeons and Dragons to get church people to leave me alone prooved to be an unsuccessful solution for me. I know that doesn’t sound like the brightest idea in the world, but how was I supposed to know? Now I’m wondering if the State of Oregon Teachers and Standards Practices Commission is going to pursue this case of me getting fired from a substitute job over supposedly looking down 5th Grade girls’ shirts, while I was sitting across the desk, and they were standing four to five feet away from me. It’s not true of course, at least they didn’t scandalize me with actual pedophilia. None of the Catholics I ever knew believed in the pedophilia cases, they just kept saying “people were out to get them,” and they couldn’t possibly imagine one of their dear priests actually raping children. Now I work part time for minimum wage at Safeway. I have a brother in US Intelligence with plenty of reason to believe I have a US Catholic Intelligence Network keeping me bugged up the wazoo. Everyone at work gives me fake names and tries to get my debit PIN. The Oregon TSPC has a hearing in May about what they are going to do with me, and this “looking thing” that happened back in October of 2008. I tried to escape to the service, but I have a bad ear and they wont take me. Maybe after a couple more years of tithing and Bible reading people will finally stop caring about me so much and lower the controversy a bit. Maybe even leave me alone. I can’t see how jumping into the whole Catholic hating, extremist, “Irish Nigger” thing is going to help me. Their words, not mine. Don’t confuse me for a racist.

I’m more interested in living in peace with Catholicism than being free of them. But they really do come with a bunch of crap that I just dont want to deal with. How do I work in public schools without getting scandalized by them again? By believing God will protect me.

What else do you want me to do about it?

Your sense of humor, wow, an educator really can’t make jokes like that. That is something I’ve had to learn the hard way.

Although only a few would understand this, but on behalf ot the Robot Hive’s Redeye, dont hate your parents and family members, and dont take the arts and entertainment so damn seriously. It is only fiction afterall.

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