Rachel Uchitel, noted home wrecker and queen of the Tiger Woods harem, has joined the cast of “Extra” as a special correspondent whorespondent. Uchitel’s stint on the celebrity-news show will consist primarily of interviews, although one could imagine she may end up servicing the show’s producers as well, provided they are married.
Only in America (and probably South America, Europe, and parts of Asia, Africa and Australia) could a tramp like this parlay adultery into a job. From Monica Lewinsky to Ashley Dupre to Jay Leno, Uchitel joins the growing list of celebrities who have had to suck off a married man to get on TV.
I wish I was back in Saudi Arabia, where one gets ahead through persistence and hard work, the result of which can be used to purchase camels and young prepubescent Sudanese boys with which to bribe the local chieftains or clerics.
Here’s a clip of “Extra” correspondent whorespondent Rachel Uchitel interviewing a eunuch.
Lock up your whores Tiger Woods is going to be released from sex rehab later today. Tiger’s wife Elin Nordegren is already in Hattiesburg, Mississippi to pick him up.
After completely 3 months of sex rehab were he constantly talked about his deepest darkest sexual urges but was not allowed to act on them Tiger is back on the prowl. I fully expect him to either hit up South Beach or Las Vegas, and bang the first big breasted white trash woman he sees so damn hard her uterus drops out of her vag.
Of course he has learned from his past mistakes and will use protection, and by protection I mean making the whores sign legally binding confidentiality agreements before he violently penetrates them.
I think Tiger’s wife Elin has come to accept that a Tiger can’t change his stripes, and she feels she has succfiently saved what little pride she has by beating his ass on Thanksgiving then making him complete sex rehab. She will now assume the possition of Tiger Woods’ “bottom bitch” and be damn well grateful for the opportunity.
Look closely at the creature in the picture above. No that is not Big Foot, it is famed golfer and adulterer Tiger Woods, and it is the first picture taken of him since his 2:30am car crash on November 28th.
The whereabouts of Tiger have been speculated upon since the accident. He was reportedly spotted everywhere from Sweden to Africa, but it turns out Tiger has been hiding in a sex rehab clinic in Hattiesburg, Mississippi.
I know what you are thinking “why would they put a sex rehab in Hattiesburg, Mississippi everyone knows that place is just crawling with slutty hot young poontang”, but the facility is apparently very good at what they do. They help sex addicts beat their addiction by slowly stroking them off sex. Rest assured Tiger Woods is in good hands.
Tiger Woods lost another major sponsor today when General Motors announced they were cutting ties with the golfer and serial adulterer. GM is just the latest in a long line of major companies that have dropped Woods in the past month joining Gillette, Tag Heuer, Gatorade, Accenture and AT&T.
However, the news is not all bad for Tiger. Celeb Jihad has learned that Tiger has just signed on with a major drug company to release his own brand of impotency medication to be called “Tiagra”. They have already released their first AD featuring Tiger with the slogan “Because Sometimes 18 Holes Aren’t Enough”.
Tiagra is said to be more powerful then anything on the market today. According to literature released by the company, “Tiagra will make you so God damn hard and horny you’ll be able to f*ck a mountain.” No word yet if a prescription will be required.
According to one time Playboy model and alleged Tiger Woods’ mistress Loredana Jolie, Tiger had sex with other men in front of her. Loredana says she is planning to tell all about how she and Tiger “came about, his healthy appetite for arranged sex, threesomes, girls next door, girl-girl, and an answer to all the rumors surrounding Woods’ sexuality.”
No word yet if Tiger’s alleged male mistresses were white with blonde hair and big breasts. However, my friend from Boston assures me that Tiger was most likely doing his good friend Derek Jeter because “Jeter is a homo”.
If there is one thing that we can take away from this latest development it is that if you are a famous married guy and you want to cheat on your wife do it with a man! Notice how no guys have come forward seeking fame for having been banged by Tiger. That’s because guys know how to keep their damn mouth’s shut.
Tiger Woods and his estranged wife Elin Nordegren have been cast in a new movie. The film which is scheduled to begin shooting in February is a sequel to the popular “Broke Back Mountain” franchise tentatively titled “Broke Black Golfer”.
In the movie Tiger will play a cowboy golfer with a penchant for whores… lots of whores. Elin will play his cowgirl wife who is stuck at the ranch watching the little ones as Tiger goes out on his late night “roundups”.
The movie’s climax comes when a group of bandits storm the ranch while Tiger is in town fingering a bar maid. Elin fights them off with her trusty 9-iron. When Tiger returns home stinking of cigarettes and Astroglide Elin has finally had enough and she smashes Tiger’s face with a 3-wood. The movie ends with Elin divorcing Tiger and getting a 300 million dollar settlement. It’s a real tearjerker.
The new issue of Vanity Fair will feature a topless Tiger Woods trying to do his best impression of a black man (lifting weights while wearing a skullcap).
I always just assumed Tiger Woods was getting all these women because he was rich and famous, but boy was I wrong. Tiger has some major sex appeal. There is not a woman alive who does not get extremely turned on at the sight of hairy purple nipples. I mean look at those things. They look like a black lamb’s asshole. How erotic is that?
All you women who have viewed this photo of Tiger Woods, and feel an overwhelming urge to pleasure yourselves furiously please leave our website. This is an Allah fearing Muslim site, and we don’t want any disgusting feminine orgasms mocking it up!
