Taylor Lautner made headlines yesterday when someone leaked the People magazine cover for when he finally decides to come out as a gay. Upon hearing the news Taylor was overcome with the vapors, and when he finally composed himself he had his rep claim that the report was not true.
Thankfully we do not have to wait for Taylor Lautner’s inevitable “official” coming out party to denounce him as a vile sodomite that must be purged of his deviant homoqueer longings, for we have uncovered the video above of Taylor being extremely gay.
Taylor Lautner couldn’t be acting more gay in this video if he was listening to show tunes while sucking off a dude and taking his AIDS medication. If this video doesn’t remove the last bit of doubt that Taylor Lautner is a limp-wristed power bottom then nothing will.
Closet queen Taylor Lautner is involved in a legal spate with Brent McMahon, who owns McMahon’s RV in Irvine. Apparently McMahon’s RV was supposed to deliver a customized trailer equipped with fainting couches, plush rugs, and 6 bidets, for Taylor Lautner to use as his personal dressing room during the filming of his new movie.
However, McMahon’s RV ran into trouble finding enough ostrich feathers for the trailer’s tickle station and had to deliver the trailer late to Taylor. Of course Taylor Lautner promptly threw a huge diva fit when his precious trailer had not arrived on time, and immediately contacted his lawyer to file a lawsuit against McMahon’s RV.
Earlier this week Brent McMahon suggested that they settle this lawsuit like men and challenged Taylor Lautner to a good old fashioned push up contest. Reportedly Taylor Lautner has declined the challenge citing his sensitive wrists as the reason.
Though Celeb Jihad has learned that Taylor Lautner may be issuing a counter-challenge to Brent McMahon. Taylor is reportedly thinking of challenging Brent to compete in a serious of events to settle the lawsuit. They would include seeing who can walk the farthest with a quail’s egg in their ass without breaking it, who can sing the most songs from Roger and Hammerstein musicals, and who can suck the most c*ck in an hour.
Brent McMahon has yet to respond.
Foppish lady boy Taylor Lautner was photographed on the set of his new movie being shaded by a giant umbrella whilst getting a fan blown in his face.
Apparently while filming a scene Taylor Lautner came down with a case of the “vapors”. He tried dabbing a nice cool wet lace handkerchief to his forehead, but he still felt a swoon coming on.
Taylor was rushed under an umbrella were he was fanned and pampered. Luckily Taylor’s friend Ramon was on set, and he occupanied Taylor to his trailer with an emergency supply of fresh cut strawberries and chilled raspberry wine.
Six hours later Taylor Lautner was able to return work refreshed and relaxed, but with a noticeable limp.
Taylor Lautner, who plays Jacob in the “Twilight” movie series, got into a confrontation with a small girl at a bowling alley in Inglewood yesterday.
According to witnesses, Taylor Lautner showed up at the bowling alley by himself, and proceeded to loiter in the boy’s bathroom for a good 3 hours. He then was making his way to the exit when a small girl shouted, “Team Edward!”
This apparently struck a nerve with Taylor who confronted the small child and asked her “what the f*ck her problem was”. The girl responded with “You’re my problem f**got and I suggest you gets to stepin before I beat your homo wolf a**.”
A source close to the scene reports that Taylor’s eyes welled up with tears, and it appeared as though he was going to slap the girl. However, the girl’s mother intervened and Taylor Lautner was escorted out of the bowling alley by one of the pimply faced teens that work there.
Fresh off the success of Twilight: New Moon’s box office success, Taylor Lautner did not mince words when describing the film franchise as “bigger than Jesus” and “1000 times cooler than some pesky Jew god in the sky.”
“Twilight: New Moon is like the crucifixion and the resurrection all rolled into one,” said Lautner. “Jesus Christ ain’t got nothing on this movie.”
Lautner, who went on to call the pope a “wack-ass Nazi bitch,” also suggested that teenage fans of the film should stop going to church.
Added Lautner, “Church is for losers; our fans should all worship vampires and shit.”
LOS ANGELES — Twilight star and teen heartthrob Taylor Lautner held dozens of illegal immigrants in a squalid “drop house” in South Los Angeles, where one woman was beaten and others say they were threatened with assault, authorities said Tuesday.
Lautner, 17, was charged with harboring illegal immigrants at the two-story home that immigration agents raided Monday, said U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement spokeswoman Nancy Hilbrich.
Lautner was arrested along with 57 immigrants, including teenagers and toddlers from Central and South America. An agent involved in the raid described conditions in the house as “utter squalor with trash and food piled up two to three feet high.”
Inside the home agents found a pistol and a stun gun that Lautner allegedly used to threaten the immigrants. They also found over 4000 pirated DVD copies of The Twilight Saga: New Moon.
According to an affidavit filed in the case, Lautner repeatedly beat a woman who had been at the house since last summer because she was not a fan of Twilight. The woman, now seven months pregnant, said Lautner threatened her with a gun when she could not name her favorite character from the film.
Several other female immigrants said Lautner tried to beat them with a wooden plank, relenting only when the women’s young children began to cry, according to the affidavit.
Drop houses are commonly used to hold illegal immigrants until they are transported to their ultimate destination, the set of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, where they will be forced to work as grips and caterers.
Depressed about his recent breakup with Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson has taken to humping pillows.
According to sources, Pattinson checked himself in to a Motel 6 in Valencia, CA on Friday. Since then, other motel guests have been complaining about the loud sobbing that comes from Pattinson’s room at all hours of the night. The only time the crying seems to stop is during one of Pattinson’s vigorous pillow-humping sessions, which happen three-to-four times a day, and last for about five-to-seven minutes each.
During the hump sessions, guests and staff members can clearly hear Pattinson’s bed creaking violently while the star yells out at the top of his lungs, “I am humping a pillow.”
Pattinson reportedly comes out of his room for 10 minutes each day in order to allow the housekeeping staff to replace his soiled pillowcases, and to stock up on Lipton Cup O Soups from the motel vending machine.
Motel workers who have seem the inside of the room say it looks like a war zone, with empty Cup O Soups strewn about and the palpable stench of semen and tears lingering in the air.
It is also reported that the walls of the room are covered in Kristen Stewart’s Twilight posters, with the exception of the space on the ceiling directly above the bed, which is reserved for a poster of Pattinson’s shirtless Twilight co-star, Taylor Lautner.
Friends of Pattinson say the star needs to pull himself together, and suggest that he should find fat girl to use as a “slump buster,” adding that there is no shortage of eager fat girls among his “Twihard” fanbase.
