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Call it a classic case of country mouse/city mouse. Levi Johnston, who is in from Alaska to promote his upcoming appearance in Playgirl Magazine, got more than he bargained for on his first trip to “the big city.” After a night of hard partying with his new “Hollywood friends,” Johnston awoke with a dull pain emanating from his behind. Upon further inspection, Johnston discovered that there was a G.I. Joe action figure lodged in his anus.

“I can’t remember how it got there, and it’s really freaking me out,” said Johnston. “I mean, it’s a toy from the new movie, not the old show, so I know this isn’t something that happened as a kid that I’m just now discovering. But I don’t remember putting it in there.”

Added Johnston, “Oh god, I don’t remember anything.”

After sobbing quietly for a few moments while packing his anus with gauze, Levi speculated that maybe Sarah Palin was right about these “Hollywood Liberals.”

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Now that Palin’s out as governor of Alaska the media focus has shifted to what she’s going to do next. Since we know Palin is an avid reader of CelebJihad, we have kindly decided to offer her five suggestions we feel would be in her best interests (and ours).

Waitress at Applebee’s
What better place to use your down-home folksy charm to squeeze a few extra bucks out of undersexed middle-aged men? Well, other than Dennis Hof’s BunnyRanch. But hooker jokes aside, if you don’t want David Letterman making fun of your morally loose daughters on late-night TV anymore, head down to your neighborhood Applebee’s and let speeded-out truck drivers do it instead.

Ambassador to North Korea
This works for several reasons. First of all, our nation doesn’t have one so there’s an opening (and it would create a job for our economy). Second, while the North Koreans think Hillary Clinton is a “funny lady” who looks like “a pensioner going shopping” even they would have to admit that Palin is a hottie and her campaign shopping bill proves that she shops at levels exponentially higher than a pensioner. So what’s the rub? Well, they also said Hillary is “by no means intelligent.” If that’s the case then they would probably rate Palin somewhere between a vegetable on life support and Paris Hilton (which, for the record, is an incredibly tight window of brain activity levels).

Broadway Actress
What would be better than a Broadway adaptation of Fargo? A Broadway adaptation of Fargo featuring Sarah Palin as Police Chief Marge Gunderson. Think about it. She’s already got the folksy accent and small town attitude. She could even get knocked up again for the part. And who wouldn’t want to hear Palin deliver the famous line, “Oh, I just think I’m gonna barf.” It would remind us all of the moment we heard she was selected as McCain’s running mate.

Director Biotech Life Sciences Sales, Mumbai India
She doesn’t like the direction this country is going? Well Sarah, you’re a ‘love it or leave it’ type, right? Here’s your chance to leave it. Sure, you’re massively under-qualified, but you’ve got an ‘it’ factor. You’ve got pizzazz. Give it a shot. Will we miss you? You betcha. But only for the easy jokes at your expense.

Presidential Candidate, 2012
African-Americans were delighted to see a black man soundly defeat and old white man in 2008, but that would be nothing compared to seeing it happen to a foxy white woman. Years ago this was a revenge fantasy only fulfilled in the world of pornography, but should the stars align, it could be a mere three years away. Keep the faith, my brothas!

In case you haven’t heard the shocking news, Clay Aiken “admitted” he’s gay. Next thing you know Barack Obama is going to “admit” he’s a Muslim, or I’m going to “admit” that Celebjihad.com isn’t funny. EVERYONE KNOWS!

When a man named ‘Clay’ who looks like a cross between Billie Jean King and K.D. Lang decides to “come out of the closet” it’s pretty much the opposite of shocking. However, throughout the years there have been a few even less shocking revelations. CelebJihad.com has complied them for you. Enjoy.

 

	1993 – Rock star Kurt Cobain reportedly “not in a very good mood right now.”
	1957 – Nat King Cole acknowledges that he is, in fact, black. Housewives across the country are shocked, yet strangely curious.
	1979 – Visionary George Lucas tells Time Magazine: “I don’t really have a plan for this thing. I’m kind of just making it up as it goes along.”
	1991 – Michael Jackson admits he’s been paying a group of renegade genetic engineers to slowly turn his face into a rat’s vulva for the past 20 years.
	2017 – George Bush finally admits it: “I do hate black people.” Adds Bush, “They’re just so loud!”
	1995 – O.J. Simpson admits to killing Naked Gun franchise.
	2012 – Miley Cyrus admits she is not a virgin and has been sucking cock since she was 13.
	2012 – Nick Jonas admits he is not a virgin and has been sucking cock since he was 13.
	2008 – Sarah Palin admits her baby’s retardation is the result of partying with crack-smoking Inuits.
	2005 – Paris Hilton admits you could drive a dump truck through her cunt.
	2009 – Dane Cook, in tears, admits he’s not funny at all.
	1995 – Christopher Reeve finally admits to himself that he’s not Superman.
	1988 – Madonna admits, “I really, really hate my dad.”
	2009 – R Kelly mistakenly confesses to a reporter that “If they are old enough to pee they are old enough for me.”
	2007 – Michael Vick admits he’s more of a cat person.
	2008- Lindsay Lohan admits she digs dudes without penises.

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The following is the transcript of a recent conversation between John McCain and the father of Sarah Palin’s illegitimate granddaughter, Levi Johnston.

Levi. Mind if I call you Levi? Wait; don’t answer that. Truth is I don’t give shit, you little fuck. I’ll be damned if some stupid fucking teenager who can’t figure out how to use a rubber is going to cost me the presidency!

You see son, when you knocked up my VP’s daughter, she wasn’t the only one you were fucking. No, sir; you were also fucking John McCain! And let me tell you something, I don’t like to be fucked by anybody but Mrs. McCain, and not even her so much these days. So let’s get one thing clear right fucking now: you’re gonna make this up to me. You’re gonna marry that little whore!

They say that half these Alaskan whores have TB, and the other half are MY RUNNING MATE’S DAUGHTER.  You should have only fucked the ones that cough, Levi.

My staff has been crunching some numbers, and it turns out people, especially Republicans, don’t like unwed mothers. Therefore, I don’t like unwed mothers. Therefore, that little whore needs a husband. Guess what, junior, you’re it!

You look like you’re unhappy? Well, there is another way. My staff has been crunching some other numbers, and it turns out people just love widowed mothers! They especially like war widows, and I can have your ass in Baghdad in 18 hours. I’m a senator! I can do that.

Or maybe I’ll just off you myself. That’s right; don’t think for one fucking second that I won’t! Just because I can’t lift my arms above my head doesn’t mean I can’t shove my dick down your throat and skull fuck you to death. I’m John fucking McCain!

Did you just call me a fag, son? I thought the same thing about you when I heard your name was Levi. But, judging from the cans on Palin’s daughter, I’d have to guess that you’re no fairy. Come to think of it, I knew a Levi back in ‘Nam, and he couldn’t keep it in his pants either. Some VC slut ended up getting him drunk and cutting his dick clean off. She just left it for the mother loving rats. And the same thing’s gonna happen to you if you don’t marry that god damn whore.

And I’ll tell you what else you’re gonna do – you’re gonna take down your goddamn Myspaces pages, whatever the fuck those are. My staff tells me you’ve got some really stupid shit up there? Just look at this garbage…

I’m a fuckin’ redneck who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes. But I live to play hockey.

You live to play hockey, eh? Well, you sure did slip one past the goalie, didn’t you? You red neck piece of shit. Jesus H. Christ!

I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some shit and just fuckkin’ chillin’ I guess.

You know son, when I was your age I liked to hang out with the boys and shoot some shit too. The only difference is that the shit you and your cheese-dick friends shoot at doesn’t shoot back! Has an elk ever shot you out of the sky when you were at 10,000 ft? I didn’t fucking think so.

Ya fuck with me I’ll kick ass.

Well son, here I am. I’m fucking with you. Are you gonna kick ass? Well, are ya? I didn’t think so. What? You gonna cry? Huh? Baby, gonna squirt a few?

You make me sick. Pull yourself together. You’re about to get engaged. Shut up! Shut up and take the pain! Take the pain!

What? It’s not fair?

You wanna talk about not fucking fair? I spent five fucking years being tortured by Ho Chi Minh and his no-tailed baboons! That’s not fucking fair! That moron George W. Bush stole the 2000 South Carolina Primary by convincing a bunch of hicks like yourself that I had a secret black daughter! That’s not fucking fair! And is it fucking fair that now, when it’s finally my turn to be president, I’m probably gonna lose because a bunch of dumb-ass college kids think it’s “cool” to vote for a black guy!? The horror…the horror…

Now get in the fucking car. You’re going to the convention. Your days of finger-banging ol’ Mary J. Rottencrotch through her pretty pink panties are over! You’re marrying her now. And you will be faithful…for at least four to eight years!

Special Thanks to Jon Mitchell

Palin’s promiscuous and pornographic past poses peril for presidential polls.

JUNEAU, AK — Former oil worker Richard St. Joseph released the top portion of what he claims is a nude photograph of presumptive GOP vice presidential nominee Governor Sarah Palin.

St. Joseph, a retired custodial engineer for Exxon Mobile, dated the governor for a brief time in the early 80’s.

“I took the picture after we downed a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Wine during a Christopher Cross concert,” St. Joseph said.

People Magazine and In Touch Weekly have both made undisclosed offers for the bottom portion of the photograph, although St. Joseph has confirmed that the current high bidder is Alaskan Hockey MILF Magazine.

When asked to describe the contents of the photograph, a laughing St. Joseph responded, “It’s true about what they say about Alaskan women’s shaving habits, or I guess I should say lack there of.”

While Palin, who is preparing to speak at next week’s Republican National Convention, refused to comment on alleged photo, the Obama campaign was quick to react.

“This is shocking,” said Obama spokesperson Adrian Marsh.  “It’s clearly an attempt steal the strong lesbian following that backed Gov. Hillary Clinton.”