Twihards around the world moistened their collective panties yesterday over this supposed candid picture of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart kissing.

This was an epic moment in the lives of many sad lonely girls because it confirmed once and for all that the long suspected romance between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart is in fact real… or is it?

How anyone could ever think that two blatant homosexuals like Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart could be dating is beyond me, but I have long ago stopped trying to figure out the minds of women because the Qur’an clearly states that they do not have one.

I believe this picture of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart was clearly staged. They have been each other’s “beards” for a long time now, and people were starting to get suspicious, so they had to show some PDA (public display of affection).

However, anyone who has seen the Twilight movies can tell you Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart can not act worth a lick, and they have absolutely no sexual chemistry. So for them to pull off a kiss that is even remotely convincing they would have to do it at night, and have it photographed with what appears to be a cheap disposable camera from about 600 yards away.

Nice try Robert and Kristen but I have the truth of Allah in me (praise be to his name), and I can see when two fruits are trying to pull the wool over my eyes. You will burn in the eternal hellfire for your sick homo ways, and no amount of fake hetero tongue wrestling will save you. Allahu Akbar!

The geniuses behind Twilight have decided to squeeze the last bit of blood from the franchise by launching a line of feminine hygiene products featuring the characters from the series.

The company specifically hopes that the Edward Cullen line of super absorbment tampons will be a hit with the ladies. The tampons will feature a picture of Edward on the cover with the beautifully romantic saying “A drink would not be enough… Only I must absorb your blood.” If that were not enough the tampons come with a fang shaped applicator.

“It feels like Edward is drinking my menstrual blood… so romantic!” exclaimed Deborah Gibson a 34-year-old housewife from Akron Ohio, and part of the Twilight tampon test group. “I use to dread my monthly visitor now I look forward to it. Once a week every month I get to feel like Bella. It is amazing!”

The company hopes to have the Twilight tampons on shelves nationwide by the end of July.

Twilight star Kristen Stewart has confirmed that she is Robert Pattinson’s beard. For those who do not know a “beard” is a girl who serves as a gay man’s companion to hide his sexual orientation.

The startling revelation comes just one week after Robert Pattinson slipped up and admitted to Details magazine that he is “allergic to vagina”. In a move to save his considerable female fan base Robert Pattinson tried to use his trusty beard Kristen Stewart once again saying “It is extremely difficult but we are together, yes. We can’t arrive at the same time because of the fans”. He then went on to blame the fans for him failing to consummate the relationship adding “how am I to be expected to penetrate a vagina when we have fans all over the place?”

For her part Kristen Stewart has finally come to the realization that she is just Robert Pattinson’s beard saying “I guess that explains the strap-on and our role playing games were he calls me ‘Frank’.”

Good news fellow Twihards the day we’ve all been waiting for is here. The good people of Japan have made a plush Edward sex toy.

Finally our lonely nights of masturbating into socks with Robert Pattinson’s face stapled on the top of them are over. Now we’ll really be able to go to town on that sexy vampire body, and give it something to suck on.

I personally ordered 6 of these. They are going to be my own personal vampire sex convent. We are going to sit around in the dark drinking tomato juice and talking about our feelings. Then I’m thinking we’ll have a good cry for maybe 30 to 45 minutes before I drill some holes in these bad boys and f*ck the unliving sh*t out of them.

CelebJihad has just received these exclusive Twilight Eclipse promotional photos, and we could not wait to share them with our fellow “Twihards”. Since no one has seen the movie yet, and I am probably the biggest Twihard in the world I will be providing captions for each photo describing what is going on in the scene pictured.

Edward and his friends practice backyard wrestling with the hope of one day making it big in the WWE.

Edward hesitates when going for 2nd base with Bella because he is afraid that Jacob’s wolf pack may have run a train on her and she may give him vampire AIDS

Luckily for Edward an awkward situation is avoided when he nuts in his pants before they can go any further.

Edward’s Uncle Lenny, who was spying on the young couple while masturbating in the closet, looks on with disapproval at his nephew’s piss poor sexual performance.

A new girl moves to town with her bad ass biker boyfriend, and the bodies of pasty teenagers start turning up in various dumpsters.

Bella and Edward get cast to shoot a commercial for a feminine hygiene product in the town’s flower patch.

In the commercial’s closing scene Bella tells Edward that if he is good he can have her tampon for dinner when she is done with it.

The Twilight gang tackles addiction as their longtime friend Moses gets hooked on eating meth.

In the films climax Edward finds out he has an autistic brother who he takes on a road trip to Vegas to count cards at the blackjack tables.

Twilight hunk Robert Pattinson (pictured above) went on the Christian Broadcasting Network’s “700 Club” today, and shared some controversial thoughts as to why the earthquake struck Haiti:

“And you know, Kristi, something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it.

“They were under the heel of the French, uh, you know Napoleon the 3rd and whatever, and they got together and swore a pact to the Devil.

“They said, ‘We will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French.’

“True story.

“And so the Devil said, ‘Okay, it’s a deal.’

“And, uh, they kicked the French out, you know, with Haitians revolted and got themselves free, but ever since they have been cursed”

Despite his rapid aging Robert Pattinson is finally starting to think with a clear head, and understand how the greatness that is Allah works. Allah is a vengeful God. If there is one thing he hates (besides American freedom) it is Haitians. Allah will not rest until every Haitian on earth suffers a horrible death. Praise be to his name!