Twilight star Kristen Stewart has confirmed that she is Robert Pattinson’s beard. For those who do not know a “beard” is a girl who serves as a gay man’s companion to hide his sexual orientation.
The startling revelation comes just one week after Robert Pattinson slipped up and admitted to Details magazine that he is “allergic to vagina”. In a move to save his considerable female fan base Robert Pattinson tried to use his trusty beard Kristen Stewart once again saying “It is extremely difficult but we are together, yes. We can’t arrive at the same time because of the fans”. He then went on to blame the fans for him failing to consummate the relationship adding “how am I to be expected to penetrate a vagina when we have fans all over the place?”
For her part Kristen Stewart has finally come to the realization that she is just Robert Pattinson’s beard saying “I guess that explains the strap-on and our role playing games were he calls me ‘Frank’.”
Good news fellow Twihards the day we’ve all been waiting for is here. The good people of Japan have made a plush Edward sex toy.
Finally our lonely nights of masturbating into socks with Robert Pattinson’s face stapled on the top of them are over. Now we’ll really be able to go to town on that sexy vampire body, and give it something to suck on.
I personally ordered 6 of these. They are going to be my own personal vampire sex convent. We are going to sit around in the dark drinking tomato juice and talking about our feelings. Then I’m thinking we’ll have a good cry for maybe 30 to 45 minutes before I drill some holes in these bad boys and f*ck the unliving sh*t out of them.
CelebJihad has just received these exclusive Twilight Eclipse promotional photos, and we could not wait to share them with our fellow “Twihards”. Since no one has seen the movie yet, and I am probably the biggest Twihard in the world I will be providing captions for each photo describing what is going on in the scene pictured.
Edward and his friends practice backyard wrestling with the hope of one day making it big in the WWE.
Edward hesitates when going for 2nd base with Bella because he is afraid that Jacob’s wolf pack may have run a train on her and she may give him vampire AIDS
Luckily for Edward an awkward situation is avoided when he nuts in his pants before they can go any further.
Edward’s Uncle Lenny, who was spying on the young couple while masturbating in the closet, looks on with disapproval at his nephew’s piss poor sexual performance.
A new girl moves to town with her bad ass biker boyfriend, and the bodies of pasty teenagers start turning up in various dumpsters.
Bella and Edward get cast to shoot a commercial for a feminine hygiene product in the town’s flower patch.
In the commercial’s closing scene Bella tells Edward that if he is good he can have her tampon for dinner when she is done with it.
The Twilight gang tackles addiction as their longtime friend Moses gets hooked on eating meth.
In the films climax Edward finds out he has an autistic brother who he takes on a road trip to Vegas to count cards at the blackjack tables.
Democratic Representative and Twilight star John Murtha died on Monday at the age of 77, according to media reports. He had been suffering complications after a gallbladder surgery.
A retired Marine and a vociferous critic of the Iraq War, Murtha was set to appear in this year’s Twilight sequel, Twilight: Eclipse. He was cast as Tyrone Cullen, a jive-talking vampire from Brooklyn who teaches his vampire grandson Edward (Robert Pattinson) how to dance for the big vampire talent show.
A memorial service will be held this Friday.
Twilight hunk Robert Pattinson (pictured above) went on the Christian Broadcasting Network’s “700 Club” today, and shared some controversial thoughts as to why the earthquake struck Haiti:
“And you know, Kristi, something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it.
“They were under the heel of the French, uh, you know Napoleon the 3rd and whatever, and they got together and swore a pact to the Devil.
“They said, ‘We will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French.’
“True story.
“And so the Devil said, ‘Okay, it’s a deal.’
“And, uh, they kicked the French out, you know, with Haitians revolted and got themselves free, but ever since they have been cursed”
Despite his rapid aging Robert Pattinson is finally starting to think with a clear head, and understand how the greatness that is Allah works. Allah is a vengeful God. If there is one thing he hates (besides American freedom) it is Haitians. Allah will not rest until every Haitian on earth suffers a horrible death. Praise be to his name!
Twilight: New Moon is finally here, and so are the reviews. With a 30% favorable rating on RottenTomatoes.com, the critics are saying things that would make a vampire blush. Here’s a look at what some of the top critics had to say about the highly anticipated sequel staring Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson.
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Peter Travers – This is pure garbage. I work for Rolling Stone, so I know garbage. |
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Roger Ebert – If watching this movie again would cure my cancers, I’d take my chances with the cancers. |
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Claudia Puig – This film is a festering bowl of dog snot. Fuck this fucking shit. |
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James Berardinelli - Remember that story that was going around a few years back about how gay guys in New York were intentionally getting AIDS as a right of passage? Yeah, my cousin Leo started that rumor. Also, New Moon sucked. |
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Michael Phillips – I liked this movie. Couple that with my beard, and there’s no way I should be allowed near a playground. |
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Rex Reed – The acting was horrible, but that wolf boy made my dick move for the first time in 13 years! |
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Larry King – What was wrong with the old moon? |
Post-production work on The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, the third installment of the Twilight franchise, has been canceled, Summit Entertainment has announced. Although principal photography was completed earlier this year, Summit’s founder Patrick Wachsberger said it isn’t worth everyone’s time and effort to finish another Twilight film.
“Look, the cast, the crew, the producers; we’re all stinking rich, so why keep going?” said Wachsberger. “Is it really worth a few billion more to produce another piece of vampire drivel? I think not.”
When asked if he was worried about a backlash from fans, Robert Pattinson, the film’s star, did not mince words.
“I could buy and sell every Playboy Playmate from the past 20 years,” said Pattinson. “What the hell do we care about a bunch of Twihards who are still in training bras?”
