It is being reported that R Kelly may be investigated by the Illinois police for committing statutory rape. Apparently R Kelly’s current girlfriend is 17, the age of consent in Illinois, but police are interested in finding out how long ago the couple officially started “dating”.

I find this whole situation deplorable. A man as powerful as R Kelly should be able to plunder all the teen booty he wants. R Kelly could not even make a sex tape with his 14 year old girlfriend without being hassled by “da man”. And you people call this country “the land of the free”?

R Kelly should move to the middle east. We understand that sometimes the unripened figs taste the sweetest. Praise be to Allah!

The campaign, which is set to debut during tomorrow’s premiere of The Jonas Brothers 3D, has no shortage of Hollywood star power.  Oscar winner and statutory rapist Roman Polanski directed the ads for a nominal fee.  Actress Ashley Peldon, star of the 90’s hit Drop Dead Fred, agreed to have her image used in the ads.  Rumors are also circulating that the second round of ads will feature music from R&B powerhouse R. Kelly.

While the move is sure to ruffle feathers, industry experts say it is necessary if Pfizer hopes to maintain growth and prevent a shareholder revolt.   Faced with an ailing economy and an ever-shrinking market share, the company’s stock fell below $14.00 on Monday, a stark contrast to its onetime high of $48.00 just a few years ago.

“The investors have been violated; they’re the victims here,” said shareholder rights advocate and corporate raider Carl Icahn.   “Anything that keeps the shareholders from getting diddled any further is a good thing.”

Most experts agree with Ichan’s assessment.

“Look, you’ve got over 400,000 registered sex offenders in this country alone,” said industry analyst Brian Wallace.  “That doesn’t even take into account the third world, where molesting a child is referred to as ‘Tuesday.’  Throw in Belgium and Vatican City, and you could see the stock back at $50 before the end of the year.”