Well, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson lasted as long as they could, but they’re calling their marriage quits after a couple of years. It’s unknown exactly where it all went wrong, but it’s safe to say that the marriage was doomed when everyone realized that Pete Wentz was going to wed a woman.
It will probably take a few months to sort out ownership of the various hair straightening products and dildos, but after that, all parties involved should be ready to move on for the sake of the unfortunately-named Bronx Mowgli Simpson Wentz. Ugh.
The best part about the divorce is that, if only for a minute, we will get the worst celebrity dad of them all, Joe Simpson, back in our lives. He’ll probably disclose that the troubles started when Pete told him in confidence that his daughter had a corkscrew-shaped cervix that made making love not only difficult, but downright painful. Look for that statement and more on the cover of next week’s US Weekly.
Bronx Mowgli Wentz, the 1-year-old son of Fall Out Boy band member Pete Wentz, was involved in a suspected DUI. Bronx was driving his black Lexus SUV earlier today when the car had a “very minor fender bender” while in Coldwater Canyon. Witnesses said the child appeared to be intoxicated while waiting for help to arrive, slurring his words and crying out irrationally and without warning.
If true, this child needs to be taught a lesson. Rehab isn’t going to cut it. Somebody needs to throw the book at this degenerate Hollywood trash before he ends up killing someone.
Congratulation to Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz on their new arrival, Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Based on these parenting tips from Ashlee, we know the kid is in good hands…
1. If your baby comes out a few shades darker than normal, reassure your husband that it’s just because the baby, much like its father, has the rhythm & soul of a black man.
2. Baby formula and cocaine are similar in color and texture, so the Enfamil container is a great place to hide your stash. Just don’t forget it’s in there, or you’re going to have a hell of a time getting your kid to sleep.
3. While most babies can’t live on mayonnaise alone, the really strong ones can.
4. If you’re pregnant for the second time, have an abortion. I’m sure the baby would rather die than live in the shadow of its more attractive older sibling.
5. Remember ladies; not everyone can land a professional football player. But suicidal bi-sexual emo singers make great fathers too.
6. Whatever you do, don’t let “Uncle Tony” hold the baby. He couldn’t hang onto a balloon if he was wearing duct tape gloves.
7. If your new-born child turns out to be one of those talking baby geniuses, put it in a sack and throw it off a bridge. I’ve read my bible, and talking babies ain’t in there.
8. Make sure the vocal track is turned all the way up before lip syncing lullabies to your baby.
9. If your baby’s nose doesn’t look right, set aside $5000 and invest in a low cost indexed fund. Otherwise, inflation will kill you on the cost of rhinoplasty when your child turns 13.
10. When selecting a brand of diapers, DO NOT purchase Huggies. Do you know how many Huggy Bears they kill each year to make those?
11. If your baby develops slowly, it might not be as retarded as you think. My parents thought I was retarded and look how I turned out.
12. Ladies, remember to always put your purse in the back seat so that when you get out of the car you don’t forget your baby.
13. Raising a newborn is hard, thankless work. Make sure you hire enough Guatemalans to handle the job.
14. Remember, you don’t need to come up with a clever name like Bronx Mowgli to make sure your kid stands out. Tattooing the words “Homo Handjob” onto his forehead should work just as well.
After selling the photo rights to his daughter Ashlee’s unborn child and then leaking Ashlee and Pete Wentz’s secret wedding date to the press. Father / Super Manager Joe Simpson sent out a press release today announcing that Ashlee and Pete are going to be trying anal.
According to Joe, his daughter Ashlee has been hesitant to let Pete go to “brown town” for fear that it might be painful, but Pete is a “dedicated ass man” and finally convinced her (with a little help from Papa Joe) to give it the old college try.
Joe is being careful not to give away too many details about the event but he did have these words of encouragement for the newly weds.
“I’m proud and honored that Pete will be violently penetrating my little girl’s stink hole. I wish them the best and hope it is a backdoor banging of a lifetime. Just the thought of Pete’s thick meat pole entering my princess’s quivering booty hole causing her to yelp like a wounded dog makes my heart swell. Because in the end I just want to see my daughter happy.”
Joe is reportedly in talks with K-Y Jelly and Astroglide for sponsorship rights to the big “grand opening”.
