The New Year is a time for reflection, and we here at Celeb Jihad have a saying “Durka durka Muhammad tuck tuck jihad Allah” which loosely translates to “The only good celebrity is a dead celebrity”.

So let us take a moment to reflect on the top 5 celebrity deaths of 2009. Allah willing 2010 will be another banner year for celeb mortality rates.

	#5 Brittany Murphy – The most recent celebrity death, Brittany Murphy starts off our list at #5. Bug-eyed and at least slightly psychotic Brittany Murphy would be more likely to get pepper sprayed than a friendly smile while walking down the street if she was not famous. However, because people have seen her in a few movies she was perceived as “quirky” and “cool”. Hopefully those fans of her’s act just as “quirky” as she did by overdosing in the shower post haste.
	#4 DJ AM – First off the man was a DJ. He made insane amounts of money for putting his iPod on shuffle in clubs. If you don’t want to jump up and celebrate when someone like that dies than there is something seriously wrong with you. The media ignored the glaring hypocrisy of this douchebag. He was shooting a show for MTV were he chastised kid’s for not being strong like him and quitting drugs, before going back to his hotel room and overdosing on them. What an ass!
	#3 David Carradine – What is not to like about a celebrity death that involves a rope that is tied around the neck and genitals for autoerotic asphyxiation in a whore house in Thailand? David Carradine probably had the most embarrassing celebrity death of 2009. If only it had been someone more famous who died with a rope around their wiener like a Tom Cruise, George Clooney, or Rosie O’Donnell then it would have been tops on our list for sure.
	#2 Tiger Woods – OK so Tiger Woods didn’t actually die this year, but his endorsement career pretty much did. And a more glorious death we have not seen in years (mainly because of all the whores). The fact that nerdy white guys absolutely worshiped Tiger because they thought he represented a hip classly minority version of themselves is funny enough. However, then to have their idol completely exposed as a relentless poon hound who has stuck it in everything from porn stars to Waffle House hostesses is down right hilarious. So much for Tiger being the epitome of a colored with class for you WASPs to worship. Don’t worry you still have Colin Powell.
	#1 Michael Jackson – Was there really any doubt who the #1 celebrity death of 2009 would be. Michael Jackson the “King of Pop” became the “King of Death” in 2009. The intrigue around his death (whether he was murdered or not) never really interested me, beyond whether I should send a gift basket to his killer. No what made this death so great was the coming out party of all the Michael Jackson fans. What a reflection on Western culture to see the masses in hysterics over the death of a high-pitched child molester. Sure Michael had a couple catchy songs, but that was back in the 80’s. The man had spent the last 20 years trying to look like a child while fingering them, but the public reaction was like Muhammad himself had met his maker. If that isn’t a sign that Western society is doomed I don’t know what is.

Finally the mystery of how Michael Jackson’s accuser in the 1993 molestation case could describe Michael’s discolored genitals has been solved!

According to Dr. Arnold Klein, Michael Jackson’s long time best friend and doctor, the singer liked to pee in front of people, especially children. Dr. Klein said Jackson thought it was funny. Dr Klein went on to say that Michael Jackson’s accuser must have seen one of his piss shows and that was how he was able to describe Michael’s naughty bits.

All you Michael Jackson haters who thought he was some sick weirdo must feel pretty silly right now. There is nothing more natural than a grown man exposing himself and urinating in front of children. Who hasn’t gone into a men’s room and stood next to a child at the urinal and gave them a little “Psst” with a gentle smile and a wink?

• Michael Jackson is the second cousin, once removed, of 1991 All-Star baseball player Danny Tartabull.
• The song “Black or White” was originally titled “Me Ten Years Ago or Me Now,” but producers were unable to find a way to fit the phrasing into the chorus.
• Bubbles the Chimp administered Michael’s fatal Propofol injection.
• At least three of the seven new songs debuted in the film are just rehashes of old cereal commercial jingles.  That said, “Dirty Count Chocula” and “Super Golden Crisp in the Mirror” are pretty catchy, and are expected to do well as singles.
• Tito Jackson can play Guitar Hero like a motherfucker!
• Michael admits that while he was a big fan of the Home Alone franchise, he didn’t care for Macaulay Culkin’s acting in Richie Rich.
• Joe Jackson appears at the halfway point to deliver Michael a brutal beating with his belt.  Afterward, Michael’s dancing does improve, proving that Joe’s still got it!
• Michael’s prostetic nose falls off a during the encore, revealing a portal to another, better world…and lots of pus.
• An uncensored scene in which Jackson teaches a group of young boys to play “Hide the Salami,” much to the chagrin of deli owner Abe Schwartzman.
• Michael Jackson was a friggen weirdo!

Michael Jackson’s burial has been canceled due to poor ticket sales, a family spokesperson has said.
 
The burial had been planned for Jackson’s birthday, August 29th. But because of slumping ticket sales, investors have begun to pull their financial backing, forcing the family to postpone the service indefinitely.
 
Sources say the family is still looking for a way to maximize the profitability of Michael’s corpse while at the same time treating it with dignity and respect. Current options include:
 

• Renting the corpse to Six Flag’s Magic Mountain for use in their annual Fright Fest
• Melting down the corpse for use in a special limited edition set of Michael Jackson themed Precious Moments figurines
• Just tossing it over the fence at Liz Taylor’s house

The rumors started when a then unidentified young man was seen seated with the Jackson family at Michael’s memorial service. The media was buzzing with questions on whether this young man, who bared such a striking resemblance to Jackson, was in fact his secret child or just some kid that he use to diddle.

That young man was later identified as Omer Bhatti, and it turns out that he is Michael Jackson’s secret child. At least according to Joe Jackson, and if Papa Joe says it’s so, then it must be true.

“Yes, I knew he had another son, yes I did,” Joe Jackson said. “He looks like a Jackson, acts like a Jackson, can dance like a Jackson. This boy is a fantastic dancer,” he added.

This revelation will no doubt be followed by Joe Jackson announcing that Omer is signed to his record label and they are going to use “da Blu-ray” on him.

The mother of Michael Jackson’s secret child Omer Bhatti is still unknown, but Celeb Jihad has heard from multiple sources that it is a mystery woman known only as “Billie Jean”.

Sure Michael Jackson is a rotting stinking corpse right now, but that didn’t stop us from making fun of him when he was alive so I don’t see why it should stop us now.

Here are some of the latest Michael Jackson headlines.

Michael Jackson was murdered.
Apparently the LAPD are going to announce that Michael Jackson was murdered. The investigation is focusing on Michael’s doctor, Dr. Conrad Murray. I’m going to go out on a limb and say I think Blanket did it… with the candlestick… in the rape room.

Michael Jackson named his daughter after Paris Hilton.
According to Paris,
“My mom and Michael went to high school together and they were best friends since they were 13. So I grew up knowing Michael very well and when he had his daughter, he always loved the name Paris and grew up being an uncle to me. So he asked my mom if it was okay and of course she said yes and I think she’s such a beautiful little girl and I’m proud we have the same name.”

Michael Jackson had low self-esteem.
Michael Jackson was a sweet soul who cared deeply about everyone, and by “everyone” I mean Michael Jackson. Just look at this painting from Michael’s Neverland Ranch. I bet when Michael was short on “sleepover” buddies he’d blow himself.

RIP Walter Cronkite.