Actress Lindsay Lohan is suing Pedigree, insisting that its latest dog food commercial featuring a “bitch” named Echo is based on her.
Lohan filed a suit in Nassau County (N.Y.) Supreme Court on Monday claiming the dog food company owes her $50 million in punitive damages and another $50 million in compensatory damages.
“My client is often called a bitch, and Pedigree is using that knowledge to profit,” LiLo’s lawyer Stephanie Ovadia said. “Like the bitch in this commercial, my client sometimes pisses on the carpet. Also, if there was ever a bitch in desperate need of a loving home, it’s Lindsay. This is a subliminal message. Everybody’s talking about it and saying it’s Lindsay Lohan.”
Watch the commercial below and judge for yourself.
I used to think that Lindsay Lohan was a petulant little harlot too sullied and polluted by years of causal sex to ever be considered for marriage. But after reading that Lindsay may have been beaten by her former boyfriend Sam Ronson, I may have to reconsider.
A supposed friend of Lindsay’s told the following to RadarOnline.com: “One time I saw Lindsay and she had a large welt on her head. She told me that Sam beat the s**t out of her. She also said that Sam even punched and choked her one time.”
If true, Lindsay Lohan would be the perfect candidate for marriage. An obedient wife is hard to find in this country, but Lindsay seems to know her place. She also seems to understand that the more someone loves you the more likely they are to beat and choke you because you forgot to feed the goats.
Now, there is still the matter of Lindsay’s promiscuous past, but I try to be progressive when it comes to such matters. A quick female circumcision performed by my cousin Husam would help to curb Lindsay’s more sinful urges, allowing her to focus on woman’s work like rearing children and slaughtering animals with my other wives.
Lindsay, will you marry me?
Lindsay Lohan posed almost completely naked in these pictures and video from Muse Magazine.
The photo spread is titled “A Day In The Life: Lindsay Lohan” and appears to depict an average day in the life of Lindsay Lohan. That is to say a drug fueled threesome in a hotel room.
I don’t know if this video and pictures were shot to fulfill some court ordered anti-drug community service PSA stemming from Lindsay Lohan’s DUI arrest, but they sure do a hell of a job convincing me to stay off drugs. Honestly this video is like watching a bunch of homeless people wrestling over a crack rock… that is to say VERY erotic.
Here is the video of a naked Lindsay Lohan rolling around with a guy and girl.
Here are the pictures of a topless Lindsay Lohan in Muse Magazine.
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In the latest leaked tape by Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael Lohan, we learn that Lindsay was dating Heath Ledger at the time of his death.
In the 2008 tapes, Lindsay’s mom Dina tells Michael that Heath’s drug overdose devastated their daughter and “f***ed her up.” She is heard on the tape saying that,
“She was dating Heath when he died. I don’t know if you know that, but I know cause I would drop her off and they were friends very, very close, ok?”
Lindsay dating Heath makes perfect sense because he was trying to hit rock bottom. Not to mention this would explain the large quantities of “stank puss” found during Heath’s autopsy.
Dina went on to say that she fears Lindsay may pull a Heath of her own.
“Because when she’s drunk or takes an Adderall with it she will do something like Heath Ledger did in a second without thinking.”
Luckily for the Lohan’s their little meal ticket Lindsay is not nearly talented enough to die young like Heath Ledger, James Dean, or River Phoenix. No, unfortunately Lindsay will live to be a ripe old whore.
CelebJihad recently caught up with Lindsay Lohan at our favorite celebrity hotspot, the local bus station. We arrived to find Lohan strewn casually across a concrete bench rubbing a powder covered credit card that expired three years ago across her gums. After briefly startling her, we were greeted energetically by the starlet as she stared right through us with her movie star gaze. From there we jumped right in and captured a very candid, honest interview with the star.
Due to the fact that she nodded off several times during our interview there are some portions that may seem incomplete, but who are we to question her ways. These Hollywood A-listers have methods that we mortals cannot possibly understand. Only Allah knows for sure.
CJ: How are you Lindsay?
Lohan: My cunt hurts and I’m not sure where I am, but other than that I’m fine.
CJ: Interesting. It seems you’ve begun the process of getting your life back together. Tell us, did you find Allah?
Lohan: Was that his name? I just blew some Mideast guy in the men’s room, so I guess I did. I think he got on a bus to Modesto already.
CJ: That’s fantastic. Tell us, what’s your secret?
Lohan: Well, even my shrink doesn’t know this, but my dad and uncle double-teamed me when I was eleven.
CJ: How precious. So tell us, what’s next for Lindsay Lohan?
Lohan: I think I filmed some bullshit movie a while back. It might be out by now. Or maybe not. I don’t fucking know. Who the fuck are you anyway? Why am I talking to you?
CJ: Wonderful! Now our readers are just dying to know, do you miss Fez?
Lohan: Who the fuck is Fez? Jesus… (she briefly drifted off to sleep, then suddenly jumped in our face) Hey, by the way, you guys got any snow? I need it in a bad way. Serious. I’ll do anything you want.
CJ: Swear that Mohammad is the only true prophet and that there is no god but Allah.
Lohan: I swear that Mahatma is only for profit and there is no good in Allah.
CJ: Infidel! We must now behead you!
Lohan: That’s what I was getting at. Now who should I blow first? I blow for blow. Get it?
CJ: No, not head. Behead! We must cut your head off!
Lohan: Jesus, you guys are assholes. I’m done with this shit.
CJ: Fantastic. Well Lindsay, we’d like to thank you for your time. Sorry about that whole beheading outburst. We’re sorta required to do it. Nothing personal.
Lohan: Whatever. Now I’m gonna go see if I can catch that cat over there. I’m fucking hungry.
Police have arrested a man named Nick Prugo for allegedly burglarizing Lindsay Lohan’s apartment (surprise; he’s supposedly her former coke dealer).
CelebJihad has obtained an exclusive list of the stolen items that police have recovered thus far.
- Lindsay’s beauty and youthful appearance (although both were damaged beyond repair).
- A RealDoll in the shape of FES from That 70’s Show.
- The mummified head of her British “twin” from The Parent Trap.
- 15,000 unopened copies of her album, A Little More Personal (Raw)
- A picture of her and Michael Eisner at Knott’s Scary Farm marked “evidence”
Special thanks to Eric Filipkowski, Jon Mitchell, and Marty Platinum.
Did we forget any items? Let us know in the comment section.
The video above is a recording of Lindsay Lohan’s voicemail. Apparently her password was 1 – 2 – 3 – 4. I’m pretty impressed that she was able to remember that many digits. I’m going to guess that her new password is either 1 – 1 – 1 – 1 or 6 – 9 – 6 – 9.
As to be expected almost all of Lindsay’s voicemails are from drunks, freaks, and drunk freaks. If anyone has Lindsay’s new cell number hit me up. I have a pretty deep voice, so I can do a mean Samantha Ronson impression. I’ll probably be able to get her to scissor with me over the phone.
