Twilight star Kristen Stewart has confirmed that she is Robert Pattinson’s beard. For those who do not know a “beard” is a girl who serves as a gay man’s companion to hide his sexual orientation.
The startling revelation comes just one week after Robert Pattinson slipped up and admitted to Details magazine that he is “allergic to vagina”. In a move to save his considerable female fan base Robert Pattinson tried to use his trusty beard Kristen Stewart once again saying “It is extremely difficult but we are together, yes. We can’t arrive at the same time because of the fans”. He then went on to blame the fans for him failing to consummate the relationship adding “how am I to be expected to penetrate a vagina when we have fans all over the place?”
For her part Kristen Stewart has finally come to the realization that she is just Robert Pattinson’s beard saying “I guess that explains the strap-on and our role playing games were he calls me ‘Frank’.”
CelebJihad has just received these exclusive Twilight Eclipse promotional photos, and we could not wait to share them with our fellow “Twihards”. Since no one has seen the movie yet, and I am probably the biggest Twihard in the world I will be providing captions for each photo describing what is going on in the scene pictured.
Edward and his friends practice backyard wrestling with the hope of one day making it big in the WWE.
Edward hesitates when going for 2nd base with Bella because he is afraid that Jacob’s wolf pack may have run a train on her and she may give him vampire AIDS
Luckily for Edward an awkward situation is avoided when he nuts in his pants before they can go any further.
Edward’s Uncle Lenny, who was spying on the young couple while masturbating in the closet, looks on with disapproval at his nephew’s piss poor sexual performance.
A new girl moves to town with her bad ass biker boyfriend, and the bodies of pasty teenagers start turning up in various dumpsters.
Bella and Edward get cast to shoot a commercial for a feminine hygiene product in the town’s flower patch.
In the commercial’s closing scene Bella tells Edward that if he is good he can have her tampon for dinner when she is done with it.
The Twilight gang tackles addiction as their longtime friend Moses gets hooked on eating meth.
In the films climax Edward finds out he has an autistic brother who he takes on a road trip to Vegas to count cards at the blackjack tables.
A young actress named Kristen Stewart is about to take Hollywood by storm. She is currently staring in some indie flick called “Twilight”, but she has a big project in the works.
The movie is called “Welcome to The Rileys”. As you can see from the promo pictures below. Kristen plays a meth head who sucks off truckers in the bathroom for money to score her next fix.
That is just the type of role that a little guy named “Oscar” might enjoy. Of course I’m talking about Oscar Martinez the janitor here at the assisted living center I’m incarcerated at… that guy is into some sick sh*t!
Here are the promo pics of Kristen Stewart from “Welcome to The Rileys”, and as a weekend bonus I’ve also included the promo pics of Kristen from some movie called “The Yellow Handkerchief”.
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Twilight: New Moon is finally here, and so are the reviews. With a 30% favorable rating on RottenTomatoes.com, the critics are saying things that would make a vampire blush. Here’s a look at what some of the top critics had to say about the highly anticipated sequel staring Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson.
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Peter Travers – This is pure garbage. I work for Rolling Stone, so I know garbage. |
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Roger Ebert – If watching this movie again would cure my cancers, I’d take my chances with the cancers. |
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Claudia Puig – This film is a festering bowl of dog snot. Fuck this fucking shit. |
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James Berardinelli - Remember that story that was going around a few years back about how gay guys in New York were intentionally getting AIDS as a right of passage? Yeah, my cousin Leo started that rumor. Also, New Moon sucked. |
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Michael Phillips – I liked this movie. Couple that with my beard, and there’s no way I should be allowed near a playground. |
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Rex Reed – The acting was horrible, but that wolf boy made my dick move for the first time in 13 years! |
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Larry King – What was wrong with the old moon? |
Kristen Stewart has finally opened up to the media. In an interview with Entertainment Weekly the Twilight star came clean about her sexual orientation saying.
“I’m a lesbian…If people started asking me if I was dating Taylor [Lautner], I’d be like ‘F*ck off!’”
Kristen Stewart went on to complain that people have the audacity to ask her questions about her personal life.
I’m not going to give the fiending an answer. I know that people are really funny about ‘Well, you chose to be an actor, why don’t you just f*cking give your whole life away?! Can I have your firstborn child?’”
If Kristen Stewart is tired about answering questions about her relationships then she needs to sit down and do an interview with me at CelebJihad. I honestly could give a baker’s f*ck about who or what she is sticking inside her, but I do have 6 or 7 questions about her menstrual cycle and whether or not she likes to take it up the old poop shoot.
Depressed about his recent breakup with Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson has taken to humping pillows.
According to sources, Pattinson checked himself in to a Motel 6 in Valencia, CA on Friday. Since then, other motel guests have been complaining about the loud sobbing that comes from Pattinson’s room at all hours of the night. The only time the crying seems to stop is during one of Pattinson’s vigorous pillow-humping sessions, which happen three-to-four times a day, and last for about five-to-seven minutes each.
During the hump sessions, guests and staff members can clearly hear Pattinson’s bed creaking violently while the star yells out at the top of his lungs, “I am humping a pillow.”
Pattinson reportedly comes out of his room for 10 minutes each day in order to allow the housekeeping staff to replace his soiled pillowcases, and to stock up on Lipton Cup O Soups from the motel vending machine.
Motel workers who have seem the inside of the room say it looks like a war zone, with empty Cup O Soups strewn about and the palpable stench of semen and tears lingering in the air.
It is also reported that the walls of the room are covered in Kristen Stewart’s Twilight posters, with the exception of the space on the ceiling directly above the bed, which is reserved for a poster of Pattinson’s shirtless Twilight co-star, Taylor Lautner.
Friends of Pattinson say the star needs to pull himself together, and suggest that he should find fat girl to use as a “slump buster,” adding that there is no shortage of eager fat girls among his “Twihard” fanbase.
In a recently released deleted scene from the original Twilight movie, there is a very provocative nip slip that went unnoticed by the director.
In the video below you may be able to catch Edward’s (Robert Pattinson) nipple. If you watch closely you can see Bella’s (Kristen Stewart) stunned reaction to the glorious sight. No word yet why this important scene was originally cut from the film, but for me it really ties the whole movie together. I understand the Edward character so much better now.
