Britney Spears’ left nipple has been stolen, CelebJihad can confirm. Apparently, Britney woke up this morning to find that her living-room window had been tampered with, but since nothing appeared to be missing, she went about her daily routine.
Several hours passed before the small Guatemalan boy in charge of removing unwanted hairs from Britney’s breasts made the shocking discovery and let out an audible cry of, “Aye, aye, aye, el pezon no mi gusto!”
Britney seems distraught over the theft, and is desperate to track down the culprit. But who would want to steal a nipple? Perhaps Tara Reid? Coco, the nipple loving chimp? Or perhaps her ex-husband K-Fed. After all, he has been working on some nice knockers of his own. A lady nipple could come in quite handy for him.
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K-Fat is back.
How fat is Kevin Federline (a.k.a. K-Fed, a.k.a. Well-Fed, a.k.a. K-Fat)?
He’s so damn fat that I had to post this picture horizontally in order to fit it on your damn screen.
If most normal human beings got this fat they would stay out of the public eye whenever possible and go on a diet. But Keven Federline isn’t a normal human being. He’s Britney Spears ex-wife. Obliviously he has no dignity.
As a result, K-Fat has decided to join VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club so that millions of unemployed and undereducated VH1 viewers can laugh at his fat ass.
Kudos to you, K-Fed.
Look at this topless pic of a fat Kevin Federline. Going out in public looking like that he is just asking to be mocked. Here are some Kevin Federline fat jokes.
- It is nice to see that K-Fed is finally growing as a person.
- He should change his name to K-Overfed.
- Not shown in this picture is his trainer feeding him fish from a bucket.
- Kevin Federline? More like Kevin Fatterline or Kevin Federflab.
- Does this bathing suit make me look fat? No K-Fed daylight makes you look fat.
- They say the camera adds 10 pounds. If that is the case then K-Fed must have eaten 10 cameras.
- Greenpeace should be circling him in inflatable boats.
If you got any to add leave them as comments below.
It’s been reported that Kevin Federline is getting $5,000 a week from Britney to bring her kids on tour with her. He’s also the newest pseudo-celebrity to get his own reality TV show, which is undoubtedly a well-paying gig too (though producers were upset to find out the name “The Biggest Loser” was already in use). Based on these pictures, I’m gonna go ahead and suggest that a good chunk of those paychecks are going to the good people at Entenmann’s.
K. Fed’s supposedly gained 85 pounds since his 2006 divorce to Britney. He used to weigh in at just 150 but the National Enquirer claims he now weights 235. He’s so big that Britney’s now insisted that “he go on a diet and stop showing their kids it’s OK to be fat and sloppy.” She’s nicknamed him Kevin Fatterline and teases him, asking, “When’s the baby due?” and calling him “a fat housewife.”
Proving that in today’s world you need not be funny or talented to have your own late night talkshow, NBC has handed over Conan O’Brien’s spot on Late Night to the utterly average “comedian” Jimmy Fallon. After leaving SNL to pursue a career as a leading man in such blockbusters as Taxi and Fever Pitch, Fallon once again returns to the small screen seeking to delight the dimwitted, mouth-breathing masses that cannot afford basic cable.
Fallon’s achievement underscores the opportunities that today’s society presents to people with little or no talent. While Paris Hilton is widely credited as a pioneer in this arena, Fallon’s landing of this coveted timeslot thrusts him into the upper-echelon of success in spite of himself.
“I think it’s really great that NBC had the courage to hire Fallon instead of some other funnier, more qualified comedian,” said fellow dolt Kevin Federline. “I mean, think about it. If that was how the world worked, where would I be today?”*
The immediate effects of Fallon’s hiring on the talentless community are difficult to quantify, but several leading indicators suggest it has already made an impact. In one widely followed trend, The Groundlings have reported a surge in Level 1 improv class enrollment since the time of NBC’s announcement. Also, several top film schools have reported an unusually large volume of mediocre applications.
So failures, take heart. There’s never been a better time to be worthless to society than right now… or at least until the next Larry the Cable Guy movie gets announced.
*answer: Short-order cook at Denny’s
