Breaking news! American Idol Season 1 winner and famed pop singer Kelly Clarkson is still totally not fat!
Sure her hips are ridiculously wide and testing the will of the denim in her jeans, but that doesn’t mean she is fat. OK yeah her ass is huge, her arms are flabby, and she has a big gut. Oh and her fingers look fat and she is getting multiple chins. Anyway what was I saying? Oh yeah Kelly Clarkson is not fat!
We caught up with Kelly recently feeding at her potato chip trough (it is actually more of a large tin filled with various flavors of potato chips than an actual trough), and I asked her point blank “What do you have to say to critics out there that think you are getting too big?” You know what she told me? And I’ll never forget her words. Kelly said,
“Nom Nom Nom *slurpy sounds* Nom Nom Nom Nom *gargle*”
Powerful stuff from a talented singer. So think about Kelly’s words the next time you start to think Kelly Clarkson is overweight.
Kelly Clarkson was at the American Music Awards last night looking totally not fat. OK so her arms are huge… and her legs… and her face, stomach, thighs, and chest. That doesn’t mean Kelly Clarkson is fat!
I’d describe Kelly as “comfortable”. She looks like a plush sofa, or a warm bath. You know something you’d just want to ease into and relax.
In unrelated news, the backstage buffet table was reportedly ravaged by an unnamed artists. Hungry stars like Taylor Swift had to scrounge around just to find a handful of grapes (luckily that is Taylor’s normal dinner).
Breaking news! Kelly Clarkson is still fat!
Celeb Jihad was first to report Kelly Clarkson was fat a few months ago. Now we are shocked to find that we are still right.
The picture above is a very recent picture of Kelly Clarkson. As you can see the singer is wandering around looking for salad dressing to pour into her “feeding bowl”. To the left an assistant hands Kelly her 2 o’clock bag of potato chips.
Many Kelly Clarkson apologists will unjustly attack me and say things that don’t make any sense like “she still looks good” and “she’s not fat”. To them I present the following before and after photo.
Now tell me Kelly hasn’t become Fattie McFatso!
Actually we have pinpointed the exact moment Kelly went from being “chunky” into full on lard ass here.
Notice how she dislocates her jaw like a python so she can swallow the hot dog faster.
It is a shame that Kelly Clarkson has gotten so fat, because she is a good singer. Now no one will listen to her music. There is nothing the American public hates more than celebrities that look like, well, average Americans.
Americans only like celebrities that make them feel inferior and physically inadequate, so they have someone to look up to and emulate. It is pretty pathetic actually.
Brace yourselves, Kelly Clarkson is about to hit the road, and scientists think the resulting earthquake may be catastrophic.
Kelly has announced the dates for her upcoming “Taste the Music” tour on her website. According to Kelly she included “smaller more delicious venues” so she is better able to connect with her fans.
The tour kicks off at a Piggly Wiggly’s in Uncasville, Connecticut, on October 2 and, after 32 American and Canadian dates at various Cracker Barrel and Waffle House locations, the tour will end in Hollywood, Florida, on December 13 at Al’s Country Fried All You Can Eat Buffet.
The venues will start taking reservations on August 15.
Break out the flour boys Kelly Clarkson is officially a porker!
Just look at the size of this girl. Is this some sort of publicity stunt to attract black guys to her music?
Fat celebrities deserve our ridicule, so lets hear your Kelly Clarkson fat jokes. Post them in the comments section below.
