American baby factory Kate Gosselin is the most recent example of a backwards culture valuing quantity over quality, failing to control her gaggle of children.
Aryan moppets Colin and Alexis were recently expelled from their substandard American private school for exhibiting the same behavior (fighting, name-calling, and generally bitchiness) that they use to steal their mother’s attention back home. Fortunately for the children, the education offered in America’s prisons is a lateral moved from the education offered in its Godless public schools.
While it is widely known that the Gosselin children will all turn into criminals, junkies, and whores well before their 18th birthdays, it’s still a pleasant surprise when the world gets to see it starting to happen.
Kate Gosselin is “upset” over the fact that her estranged husband Jon Gosselin has withdrawn $200,000 from the couple’s account, according to her lawyer. Considering that Kate used to get “upset” if Jon would speak out of turn, this has to be the understatement of the year.
People Magazine is reporting that Jon never told Kate about the withdrawal, and that Jon could be found in contempt of court since the couple was ordered not to make any “significant withdrawals.” People Magazine is also a horrible publication that should only be used to wipe one’s ass.
According to sources close to Jon, he as already spent about a third of the money on Axe Body Spray and Hair Gels, and plans to spend the remaining sum by taking his “bros” to Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville Las Vegas.
Jon Gosselin “wasn’t the best” in bed, according to the couple’s former nanny who also spent time moonlighting as a home-wrecking whore.
Stephanie Santoro, who claims to have had sex with Jon nine times, said that Jon “wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t the best I ever had.” I’m guessing that the best she’s ever had was the entire second-string defense for the Pittsburgh Steelers.
In all fairness to Jon, perhaps he was distracted by the nanny’s face, which obviously shows signs of Down’s. Also, it must have been hard for Jon to perform when his balls were locked up in Kate’s purse.
Like most Americans, I bust my ass day in and day out to collect a disability check. But it seems like every month a higher portion of my hard-earned money is going toward my cable bill. Why?
I’ll tell you why! It’s because of all these unemployed, white single mothers. Rather than get a useful TV job like “weather girl” or “softcore starlet,” these women just sit around and have a bunch of babies so they can live off handouts from the cable companies.
It makes me sick, but how can I blame them? Why should they work when they know those bleeding-heart TV executives and their mindless liberal policies have incentivized irresponsible behavior? The more kids these white women have, the bigger the handout.
Kate Gosselin: White! No job! No husband! Just 8 kids and bunch of stuff we paid for!
Octomom: White (whiter than I am, anyway)! No job! No man! 14 friggen kids from multiple fathers. When I see her driving around in her fancy SUV showing off her expensive lip injections it makes me sick!
Michelle Duggar: White! No job! At least she has a husband and teaches her 18 kids important things like right from wrong and how dinosaurs never existed. But answer me this; who is paying for all those fancy ankle-length denim dresses and her trendy bird’s nest hairdo! We are, that’s who!
I hate to paint all white women with the same brush, but stereotypes exist for a reason. I didn’t immigrate to this country and blow my legs off just so a bunch of lazy white parasites could jack up my cable bill.
Contact your congressman today and tell him to do something about all these white, unemployed single mothers.
Jon Gosselin continued his tireless search for a new mommy for his 8 small children in Vegas last night, because that is the best place to look.
Sources close to Jon say that he is committed to finding a new Mom for his kids ever since the old one became so “annoying” and “unsexy”.
The source continued, “Jon doesn’t care how many clubs, bars, or truck stops he has to go to. He is going to find the new mommy his kids deserve. He is a real family man.”
Call it the case of the optimist vs. the pessimist, with Regis Philbin as Pollyanna, suggesting to Kate Gosselin on Thursday’s Live! With Regis & Kelly that one of these days her estranged husband Jon is going to come home with one of his new 20-something girls and propose a three way.
“Now” said Philbin, “what do you think about that?”
“Wow,” responded Gosselin, who looked as though her breath had been taken away.
After first joining in with the audience’s laughter, she said about her soon-to-be-ex Jon and herself: “We definitely have different goals at this point. A lot has changed. A lot of unexpected things have come up. It’s not ideal. And I can’t say you’re right at all.”
But Philbin pressed her on the subject. If Jon were to come back tomorrow, the TV host asked, and said, “Let’s put the past behind us. I want to have a three way with you and one of my much younger, more attractive girlfriends…what would you say to that?”
“I don’t think I can answer that,” she replied, as Philbin said she obviously needed time to think about that. Gosselin said, however, “A lot of our lives is public, but a lot is private, as well.”
If the couple did have a three way, Philbin then went on to wonder, wouldn’t all their marital problems go away?
“We can only go forward, we can’t go back,” said Gosselin. “I don’t think it would all go away at his point.”
Jon Gosselin can add another notch to his bed post.
America’s favorite Asian reality-TV father of eight was spotted at a Pennsylvania bar and restaurant with yet another 20-something woman. This is the third skank he has picked up since splitting with his awful, soon-to-be ex-wife, Kate Gosselin.
The unidentified woman drove herself to Jon’s home at 3 a.m. and was spotted leaving the property at 6 a.m. The fact that Jon brought the girl to a home used by the family is sure in infuriate Kate who, despite her overall awfulness, is gaining public sympathy as a result of Jon’s philandering.
While different media outlets debate about who is responsible for the break up, CelebJihad isn’t afraid to place the blame squarely where it belongs: with the children. Everything was fine until those little bastards came along. But now mommy and daddy don’t love each other anymore. We’ve seen it a thousand times before. Kids ruin everything. Way to go, you little monsters. We hope you’re happy.
