No, not THAT lie. Ok. He’s living two lies. But with this lie, we have proof, whereas, with the other lie, we have just short of whatever “proof” is. Strong suspicion, I guess.
John Travolta’s really bald. And not in a distinguished, mature man way, but in a funny, “he kind of looks like a hairless bear or something” kind of way. The look on his face says it all. It says “yeah, this is how I actually look. So the hair thing, combined with the I’m-probably-a-closet-homosexual thing makes me a shell of the man that America fell back in love with after Pulp Fiction.”
It’s clear that Travolta isn’t exactly riding high these days, which is why the balding thing is an opportunity. He can reinvent himself with some interesting headgear which will make him appear masculine and stop people from talking about the gay thing. Here is just a short list of things he could slap on that dome:
- Turban
- Coonskin Cap
- Sombrero
- Samuel L. Jackson
- A Tinfoil Scientology Hat
- Another, Smaller John Travolta (this will require cloning and miniaturization technologies that we don’t possess. That I know of)
- A Yarmulke That He Wears in The Front of His Head Over The Bald Spot. He Could Call It His Reverse Yarmulke
- Dog the Bounty Hunter Wig
John Travolta recently took a break from looking and acting like Mr. Clean to do something Mr. Clean has had to do his entire life – fight gay rumors.
Gossip site Gawker posted an excerpt from a book being shopped by openly gay author Robert Randolph in which it claims that Travolta was a fixture at spas that tacitly allowed anonymous gay sex. The accusations are graphic and frequent, stating that Johnny T couldn’t get enough of the love that dare not speak its name.
The excerpts state since his early 40′s, Travolta had been hanging out at the Lions Spa in Los Angeles, quite conveniently located just a few miles from the Scientology headquarters. The short distance probably allows Will Smith, Tom Cruise, and Travolta to save hundreds of dollars in gas from one Scientology hangout to the other.
The long-running rumors of Travolta’s homosexuality aren’t helped by the fact that his on-screen chemistry with women was at its most convincing in “Grease” in 1978. Since then he’s known for playing effeminate hit men, effeminate computer hackers, and, occasionally, an effeminate FBI agent that gets a face transplant to disguise himself as Nicholas Cage, who isn’t effeminate, but is pretty damn crazy.
The Gawker piece can be found here. While it’s unsubstantiated, it’s worth a read just to discover what Travolta’s “type” is. Spoiler alert: Middle Eastern with dark features. I guess he isn’t all bad after all.
Haiti’s airport can only handle 130 flights a day. Thank God one of those precious flights was reserved for actor John Travolta.
John Travolta has flown aid supplies to Haiti in his own Boeing 707 to assist his fellow Scientologists already on the ground helping the earthquake victims.
Dressed in yellow T-shirts, Scientologists use a process called ‘assist’ in which the power of touch is said to reconnect nervous systems shaken by trauma. The group is using light ‘touching’, through clothing and bandages, of fractures and infection.
Islam is the one true religion, but I have to hand it to Scientology here. I know if I was badly injured in some sort of catastrophe I’d feel a hell of a lot better if some weirdos in yellow shirts came and started massaging my wounds while telling me about the wonders of “Dianetics”. Peace be upon you John Travolta. May Allah bless your quest to molest every person in Haiti.
Israel and Hamas have agreed to a one-day ceasefire in order to mourn the tragic loss of Jett Travolta, the late son of actor John Travolta.
Jett’s sudden death last week triggered a wave of condolences from both sides of the conflict.
“We’ve had 769 deaths, including more than 200 children. But when we heard about Jett Travolta, it really made us stop and think,” said Abu El-Sarraj, a now limbless widower speaking near the charred remnants of what was once a school packed with terrified civilians.
Added El-Sarraj, “I mean, what kind of god could allow such a tragedy?”
Meanwhile, Isreali Prime Minister Ehud Olmert’s security cabinet convened on Friday to finalize the ceasefire.
“At a time like this it’s hard to worry about something as trivial as a Hamas rocket attack, or a nuclear Iran wiping us off the map,” said one Israeli official, who declined to be named.
Added the official, “Plus, Travolta’s made a lot of money for the Tribe over the years, which makes it extra sad.”
Fighting is set to resume on Sunday.
