OMG Jessica Simpson is such a bimbo! Can you believe she went out in public, but forgot to wear pants? I mean how stupid is she?

Jessica Simpson is going to be so embarrassed when she realizes that she doesn’t have any pants on, and her old, well-used, barren vagina is just out there flapping in the wind.

Hopefully Jessica Simpson realizes she is not wearing pants before she comes across some “urban” youths because seeing a chunky, blonde haired, white girl with no pants is entrapment, and they will not be able to resist running a train on her (especially if they are on the reefer).

Everyone needs to cut loose every once in a while, and if I had the type of decade that Jessica Simpson had, there’s a decent chance I would be in a VIP room with a needle in my arm and a handle of vodka trying to figure out what the hell has become of my life.

Sooooo, it’s hard to fault her for getting a little (read: insanely) tipsy during a night out for sushi. Maybe she just ate some bad blowfish or something. Or maybe she drank an entire box of sake because their server’s name was Nick. Whatever.

Today she’s probably lying in bed with an ice pack on her head, wondering what became of her country music career and if they’re really gonna do that Dukes of Hazard sequel. Which will cause her to drink again. It’s a vicious cycle. I have a bad feeling that when Jessica drinks, there is a two-in-three chance that she will call her new fiance either Tony or Nick. The only way it will get better is if he changes his name to one of those two.

Jessica Simpson is fat worthless used up whore. If she isn’t busy stuffing cupcakes down her bloated gullet, she is ramming strange c*ck in her flabby vagina. Now that we got that out of the way. Jessica Simpson is engaged!

Yes some poor fool named Eric Johnson has decided to marry Jessica Simpson. Needless to say papa Joe Simpson must have been offering a lucrative dowry. Has this “groom to be” seen Jessica lately? She is as big as a house and in no condition to operate a plow, talk about worthless. Not to mention she is damaged goods, having already been discarded by her first husband.

I can not help but suspect that this dumb bastard is being tricked into marrying Jessica Simpson. It is possible that her family has only shown him pics of her from pre-2004. Who am I to ruin their little scam? So Eric here is a collection of GIFs of the hot piece of ass you will soon by calling your wife. Congrats! *snicker

How did Jessica learn to move like that? It is amazing she has been able to maintain her maidenhead all these years. *snicker

Jessica Simpson is as smart as she is skinny. This is definitely a woman you can talk things out with.

Jessica suiting up to go hunt for some chicken of the sea.

Focus Jessica those tits aren’t going to soap themselves up.

Jessica Simpson’s wedding dress? Probably she is a backwoods hick from Texas.

Jessica shows some hustle while fetching a man a beer.

Jessica doing some stretches for her upcoming wedding night. Don’t worry Eric it definitely won’t feel like you are f*cking the ocean. *snicker

The one hole on Jessica Simpson’s body that may still have some elasticity.

Mmm just wait until she empties out the ashtrays and vacuums the interior, now that will be hot.

Ugh truck stop hookers are more subtle with their sex appeal than Jessica.

She got it from her momma, unfortunately she lost it to Ben & Jerry.

Jessica is not only this enthusiastic with ice cream if you get my drift. *wink *wink *nudge *nudge. She also has a firm grasp on nutrition and knows the importance of eating a sensible diet. *wink *wink *nudge *nudge

We have just received some breaking news coming off the AP wire, singer and actress Jessica Simpson is still really fat. This should ease the mind of millions of Americans who were no doubt wondering if Jessica Simpson was still a wide load.

Being from the Middle East I can appreciate a really fat woman like Jessica Simpson. Fat women are useful because they are hearty and in times of hardship they can continue to plow the fields feasting on their own fatty tissue for energy. Also in times of extreme hardship they can be roasted on a spit, and provide essential protein for the males of the clan.

Jessica Simpson is certainly stocking up on her fat reserves. Either she expects this to be a long harsh winter or she fears a double dip recession, because she is being extremely mindful to only eat foods with a high caloric content and to live a sedentary life style.

I applaud Jessica Simpson for getting really fat in these difficult times. If things take a turn for the worse Jessica will be able to sustain thousands of lives with her bloated fatty carcass. Allahu Akbar!

Breaking News! Jessica Simpson is totally not fat!

Jessica Simpson (the enormous dark blue blob in the picture above) appeared at the launch party for Dove’s new line of chocolates yesterday. Representatives for Dove were confused at first considering this was a corporate event and Jessica Simpson was not invited. An event spokesperson had this to say,

“She just sort of showed up. We felt bad because she was all dressed up, so we let her stay. She was very enthused about the chocolate.”

In fact Jessica Simpson was so enthused that she single-handedly finished off the numerous samples which were supposed to be for investors and the press. Someone then broke into Dove’s warehouse next door and stole the first national shipment of chocolate, setting back Dove’s planned market release date over a month.

A lot of people have been fingering Jessica for the crime, because they say she is “overweight”. However, I find that racist and extremely offensive. Jessica Simpson is not fat! Sure her body looks like the Michelin Man’s… and her double chin looks like it is about to give to a triplet… and her arms are flabby and they undulate when she moves them… wait were was I going with this?

Oh yeah, Jessica Simpson is not fat! So there!

Now that Jessica Simpson has officially got her claws into a new man, former Smashing Pumpkins lead singer Billy Corgan, I think it is my duty as a fellow man to let Billy know what he is getting himself into with Jessica.

I am sure he knows that Jessica Simpson is damaged goods. She has been married before, and her husband found her to be an unsatisfactory wife so he dumped her. Obviously Billy has decided to look past this enormous flaw, but does Mr. Corgan know that Jessica has shown her panties numerous times in public?

Below is a collection of some of Jessica Simpson’s greatest upskirt pictures. Billy Corgan should notice the common theme among all these pictures is that Jessica Simpson is a whore who wears short skirts… and she probably has the AIDS.

Has Jessica Simpson finally found a new man who can become sick of her shit and dump her? Apparently so, Jessica is rumored to be hooking up with Gerard Butler.

Jessica and Gerard both dined out at Soho House in NYC on Tuesday night and they seemed to be getting very cozy with each other.

A source says, “They were at a table with friends, but Jessica and Gerard, who sat next to each other, seemed to only be interested in each other and chatted for hours. They were laughing and flirting and eventually left together.”

This is not at all surprising Gerard Butler likes to take home a fattie every once and while for a good old fashioned pump and dump. Helps keep him in shape. Jessica Simpson will surely be an emotional wreck when he inevitably stops calling.

If you are like me then you are probably pretty depressed about Jessica Simpson’s dog Daisy being taken by a coyote, and no matter how many coyotes you torture and kill you just can’t get over your depression.

Well luckily Jessica Simpson feels our pain. According a Simpson insider, “Daisy was her baby. It’s going to put her into a tailspin. It will put her into the worst place ever.”

We’ll get through this together Jessica! Whenever I am feeling blue I like to look at this picture of your bare ass. It has gotten me through some tough times. Maybe you should try it, or at the very least you could take some pictures of your butt and send them too me. I am feeling awfully low.

Jessica Simpson watched her dog get snatched by a coyote on Monday. Simpson still believes her beloved dog Daisy isn’t coyote food yet despite reports to the contrary.

Jessica posted this message on Twitter:

“Still holding out hope despite the assholes that say is it a dumb thing to do. Daisy is my baby…why would I stop searching? I’m a mom.”

Well it turns out Jessica is right. The coyote who took the dog has provided Celeb Jihad with his ransom demands. We ask that everyone help make Jessica aware of these, or her dog may be killed.

The coyote’s demands are as follows:

- 10 ACME Rocket Packs
- 2 pair ACME Rocket Shoes
- 1 Oversized ACME Bear Trap
- 1 Dead Roadrunner
- And to see Jessica Simpson’s tits