As bad as 2009 and 2010 were for America, expect 2011 to be even worse financially. On orders from Barack Obama, the US spent its entire 2011 defense and health care budgets on a giant party at the newly-opened Cosmopolitan Hotel in Las Vegas.

While performers Jay-Z, Coldplay, Beyonce, and John Mayer were paid $1 million American dollars to play, guests dined on disgusting food prepared by chef Todd English, much of which included dishes made from dirty, dirty pigs. Gross.

The night of excess continued with unholy activities such as gambling, snorting cocaine with your friends in a bathroom stall, casual sex, and music that focused largely on designer tennis shoes.

As much as I would like to condemn these activities in the name of Allah, it actually sounded like a pretty good time. I’m angry that I didn’t get to go, but I have spoken with loyalists, and we are totally getting new publicists in 2011. We watched the ball drop with a cash bar at a Hard Rock in Beirut. What is this? 1987? Lame.

Did Jay-Z get a nose job. From the comparison picture above it looks like the answer is yes.

His surgeon did an excellent job. Now instead of looking exactly like a camel Jay-Z only looks sort of like a camel. It’s remarkable!

Next Jay-Z needs to get his lips trimmed down. Those things are monsters, and they make him look like a fish. Considering Jay-Z is good friends with Kanye West I would be careful looking like a fish around him, I heard Kanye likes fish dicks because he is a gay fish.