After just 2 short years in office Barack Obama is already the greatest President the world has ever known. He promised to stop America’s imperialistic wars, and then brilliantly followed up on his promise by continuing and expanding them. He promised to give universal health care to all Americans, and he delivered and some by craftily paying for it without touching Americas brown people killing fund aka “the defense budget” and instead required pretty much every American to just pay for it their damn selves.

If all that was not enough Obama was also instrumental in getting the immensely popular banker bailout passed without which Goldman Sachs would never have been able to meet their executive bonus obligations. I shudder to imagine the collective guilt Americans would have felt if that nightmare would of been allowed to happen, especially since as Obama explained at the time, it was all the people’s fault for selfishly getting mortgages to buy homes.

I know what you are probably wondering, how has Obama been able to be so awesome? Is he the super Jesus the Bible foretold about? Maybe. Is he a robot built from the parts of all the great leaders of the past and recycled helicopters? Perhaps. Is he an alien who landed on this planet and received super decision making powers from the earth’s sun? Definitely not because that would mean he is not eligible to be President. I think the most logical explanation of Obama’s extremely awesome awesomeness is that he surrounds himself with only the best people.

If you want to know if you should continue fighting a war you ask a general. If you want to make a health care bill you ask the health care insurance industry to write it for you. If you want to know if you should continue giving trillions to Wall Street you ask guys like Larry Summers and Tim Geithner who work for Wall Street. Finally, if you want to know about being a super genius you take actor Gary Busey as your mentor, life coach, and top adviser, and that is just what Obama did.

As these exclusive behind the scenes White House photos show, it has been Gary Busey who Obama has relied upon throughout his Presidency. Let us hope that this dynamic duo of Obama and Busey keeps delivering in the next 2 years, so Americans can get their desperately needed war with Iran and expanded domestic spying program through the Patriot Act. Because someone has to keep an eye on all those unemployed people.

Congratulation to Gary Busey and his girlfriend Steffanie Sampson on their new arrival, Luke Sampson Busey. Based on these parenting tips from Gary, we know the kid is in good hands…

1. To avoid SIDS, always place your baby on its back when putting it to bed. To avoid AIDS, wrap your child in latex after each and every bowel movement.

2. Be sure to screen prospective babysitters by checking their credit, job history, and anal cavity.

3. When disciplining your baby, always remember to have the safety on, otherwise you might accidentally shoot it for real.

4. If you decide to put your baby up for adoption, don’t forget this important fact: the white ones fetch exponentially more at auction.

5. Breast feeding is recommended for the baby’s health, but it hurts dad’s nipples like hell.

6. Your baby is a gift from above, and like all gifts from above, we must remember to thank Needor, the all-knowing one, for his wrath is furious, his hand swift, and his anal probings uncomfortable.

7. Raising a baby is a challenge, but ultimately you’ll be rewarded with delicious toddler spleen.

8. When putting your baby to sleep, always use twice the amount of poison that you would use on a medium size dog.

9. Newborns love movement and bright colors, making LSD the ideal drug for your baby’s playtime.

10. Babies are a lot like Jews in the sense that they both love delicious smoked salmon.

11. If you choose to feed your baby breast milk, make sure to strain out unwanted pieces of breast.

12. When traveling, always make sure your baby moves in a line parallel to the earth’s gravitational field, regardless of the orientation of any particular street or the traffic moving on said conveyance. That way, your baby’s own magnetic signature will be hidden from the Evil Lord Krylor and his minions in the “United Nations.”

13. When you are in a pinch, an infant’s cartilage skeletal structure means it can be eaten whole, not unlike a soft shelled crab.

14. Though stuffing a regulation-sized football into your baby’s mouth while you repeatedly punch him in the face each night might make him cry now, he’ll thank you once the first of those monster, Busey-sized teeth starts poking out through his gums.

15. While it is socially accepted to refer to your child as “in the oven” when it is in the mother’s womb, after the birth it is frowned upon in the literal sense. Still, I have yet to find a better babysitter than my ol’ Lady Kenmore.