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I do not know what would be more appropriate right now then jokes about Michael Jackson dying. If you have any to add do so in the comments section.

 

• Michael Jackson hasn’t been this stiff since Macully Culkin spent the night at Neverland Ranch.
• Because Jackson’s body was 95% plastic, he will be melted down and turned into legos, this way kids can play with him for a change.
• Reports that Michael Jackson has died of a heart attack in his home are untrue… He actually died having a stroke in the children’s ward.
• In the spirit of recycling, Michael Jackson will be melted down into plastic party cups so kids can still get their lips around his rim.
• In accordance with Michael Jackson’s will, little boys’ pants shall be flown at half-mast today.
• Doctors are looking into claims that MJ’s death could have been caused by an allergic reaction from eating 12 year old nuts.
• I heard Michael Jackson died of food poisoning from eating a 5 year old wiener.
• Micheal jackson will always be with us… he is not biodegradable.
• Farrah Fawcett arrived at the Pearly Gates and God asked her what he could do for her having led such an honest life. Farrah asked God to simply make sure the children of the world were safe. Five minutes later, Michael Jackson died.
• MJ’s dying wish was to be melted down and turned into straws so he can still get sucked on by kids.
• It has been released that MJs last wish was that he wants to be melted down and made into a slide so kids can go down on him forever.
• In memory of MJ’s death, McDonald’s is coming out with the new “McJackson”. It’s 50 year old meat between 12 year old buns.
• Michael Jackson’s ashes are going to be put in an Etch A Sketch so kids can still twiddle his knob.
• Michael Jackson’s death has now been ruled a suicide. Apparently doctors told him that the only way he could get whiter is if he died.
• Only in America can someone be born a poor black kid, and die a rich white woman.
• Madonna sent her condolences to the Jackson family. Then asked how much they wanted for the kids.
• Breaking News: Casper the friendly ghost was molested in the early hours of this morning!
• Michael Jackson’s last words: “Take me to the Children’s Hospital!”
• What was Michael Jacksons last hit? The floor!
• Michael Jackson died of a heart attack. He really shouldn’t have looked at the man in the mirror.

Congratulation to Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz on their new arrival, Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Based on these parenting tips from Ashlee, we know the kid is in good hands…

1. If your baby comes out a few shades darker than normal, reassure your husband that it’s just because the baby, much like its father, has the rhythm & soul of a black man.

2. Baby formula and cocaine are similar in color and texture, so the Enfamil container is a great place to hide your stash. Just don’t forget it’s in there, or you’re going to have a hell of a time getting your kid to sleep.

3. While most babies can’t live on mayonnaise alone, the really strong ones can.

4. If you’re pregnant for the second time, have an abortion. I’m sure the baby would rather die than live in the shadow of its more attractive older sibling.

5. Remember ladies; not everyone can land a professional football player. But suicidal bi-sexual emo singers make great fathers too.

6. Whatever you do, don’t let “Uncle Tony” hold the baby. He couldn’t hang onto a balloon if he was wearing duct tape gloves.

7. If your new-born child turns out to be one of those talking baby geniuses, put it in a sack and throw it off a bridge. I’ve read my bible, and talking babies ain’t in there.

8. Make sure the vocal track is turned all the way up before lip syncing lullabies to your baby.

9. If your baby’s nose doesn’t look right, set aside $5000 and invest in a low cost indexed fund. Otherwise, inflation will kill you on the cost of rhinoplasty when your child turns 13.

10. When selecting a brand of diapers, DO NOT purchase Huggies. Do you know how many Huggy Bears they kill each year to make those?

11. If your baby develops slowly, it might not be as retarded as you think. My parents thought I was retarded and look how I turned out.

12. Ladies, remember to always put your purse in the back seat so that when you get out of the car you don’t forget your baby.

13. Raising a newborn is hard, thankless work. Make sure you hire enough Guatemalans to handle the job.

14. Remember, you don’t need to come up with a clever name like Bronx Mowgli to make sure your kid stands out. Tattooing the words “Homo Handjob” onto his forehead should work just as well.

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Tila Tequila might seem unattainable, but deep down she’s just a regular girl…a regular girl with a dad who fucked up real, real bad. We recently caught up with the sexy star of A Shot at Love and asked her for some frank advice about modern dating.

 

• Ladies, having standards is important, but make sure they aren’t too high. Remember, the “perfect man” is just a fairytale, like Bigfoot or HIV.
• Guys, nothing kills a date faster than bad manners. Not offering your date a Valtrex isn’t just thoughtless, it’s downright rude.
• Speaking of bad manners, if you don’t open doors for me, I don’t open my legs for you…unless you have money. Then it doesn’t really matter.
• Guys, if you’re at dinner and the waiter starts to flirt with your date, calmly stand up, smash a wine glass on the table, hold the shards of glass to his neck and demand that he respect you. Anything less and your girl will think you’re a pussy.
• If you smell raw fish and we’re not at a sushi restaurant, DON’T comment on it.
• Ok guys, you’ve already paid for an expensive meal. Now it’s time to go the extra mile. Offer to hold back your date’s hair as she regurgitates her food in the parking lot. Extra points if you have a mint waiting!
• Ladies, he’s there to make you feel special, so don’t be afraid to order a side of “balls in your mouth” at dinner.
• Remember, you can’t buy your way into a girl’s bedroom. Try using coke.
• Guys, when you’re on your first date and the girl starts blowing you, don’t push down on her head. That’s way too forward and could make her gag and vomit on your cock before she’s ready to.
• No condom, no problem! Remember girls; no one ever had a butt baby.
• Ladies, isn’t it annoying when you’re on a date with a guy and he asks you where he should “finish”? He knows we’re just going to scoop it up and eat it regardless of where it lands, so why does he ask?
• Exploring bi-sexuality is a great way to broaden your horizons. It’s also a great way to say “fuck you” to your dad for not buying you that pony you wanted when you were nine.
• Don’t assume that just because a girl is bisexual she wants to make out with your gal pals…unless your gal pals wear cherry chapstick and have tight labias. Then you can assume whatever you like.
• If you do find yourself attracted to someone of the same sex, don’t be ashamed. Curiosity is perfectly natural, just like fisting or being raped by your uncle.
• My biggest rule for any date is to be yourself…unless of course it’s “sweeps week” and Mort from Viacom’s marketing department tells you to be more of a whore. Trust me, he might look out of touch, but that heeb knows how to pull in the 18-to 25-year-old demographic.
• Remember, you can take the girl out of the third-world prostitution ring, but you can’t take the third-world prostitution ring out of the girl.

Special thanks to all of the CelebJihad.com writers.

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10) Gary Busey’s diet consists almost entirely of bark and dolphin meat.

9) In 2004 the city of Newport Beach selected Gary Busey to host the annual Newport Autism Charity Banquet, an honor that caused him to boil his pets in disgust.

8) Gary Busey has a strong fear of the handicapped.

7) Gary Busey will only speak to people who are his exact same height.

6) One of Gary Busey’s favorite pastimes is sneezing in other people’s homes.

5) Gary Busey’s favorite digging stance is orthodox.

4) Gary Busey has binocular vision.

3) Gary Busey has a DNA fetish.

2) A woman once tried to sass Gary Busey for running over her dog. He threw a cup of urine in her face and attempted to baptize her.

1) Gary Busey has fucked over 50 different types of mammals.

After many hours of grueling research in our lab we have determined what the following celebrity pussies taste like. If you make any discoveries of your own please feel free to include them in the comment section.

	Sigourney Weaver’s pussy tastes like coins.
	Lindsay Lohan’s pussy tastes like cigarettes and toast.
	Paris Hilton’s pussy tastes like the inside of a catcher’s mitt.
	Sarah Jessica Parker’s pussy tastes like a hard-boiled egg.
	Miley Cyrus’s pussy tastes like 5 to 10 in the state pen… and fresh strawberries.
	Rosie O’Donnell’s pussy tastes like a bulldog’s asshole.
	Reese Witherspoon’s pussy tastes like Christmas morning.
	Elizabeth Taylor’s pussy tastes like sawdust and gorgonzola.
	Britney Spears’s pussy tastes like placenta.
	Jessica Alba’s pussy tastes like sunflower seeds and disappointment.
	Angelina Jolie’s pussy tastes like her brother.
	Jennifer Love Hewitt’s pussy tastes like apricots and sunshine.
	Jessica Simpson’s pussy tastes like tuna… or is that chicken?
	Scarlett Johansson’s pussy tastes like applesauce and feet.
	Madonna’s pussy tastes like sulfur dioxide.
	Natalie Portman’s pussy tastes like humus and matza.
	Jodie Foster’s pussy tastes like 2 bears fucking in the woods.

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By now everyone has heard the Chuck Norris facts. There have even been copycat Vin Diesel and Mr. T facts. Lost in all this hype are the facts about the greatest American hero of America. Of course I am talking about Corky from the hit TV series “Life Goes On”.

Corky wears a helmet not for his protection, but for yours!

Corky thinks cats are friendly animals.

Corky only rides the short bus because it handles better.

Corky can read! …sort of.

Corky’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he is retarded.

Corky once counted to 47… on his chromosomes.

Corky can eat his own farts.

Corky thinks you’re retarded.

Corky eats grass… because somebody has to.

Corky’s favorite food is blue, and his favorite color is 7.

Too Corky bitches ain’t nothing but tricks and hoes.

If you ask Corky he’ll tell you the secret to peace in the Middle East is “happy rainbow kisses”.

Corky once hugged Chuck Norris. He did nothing.

Corky thinks Dustin Hoffman’s character in Rain Man is “a real smartass”.

Corky once took a shit in a pool.

Corky likes tacos.

Strobe lights make Corky cum… a lot!

Corky once threw feces at a monkey that was giving him the evil eye.

Corky is so retarded that even his penis’s head is small and abnormally shaped.

Corky wrote a song about the corn in his stool.

Corky is just like you, he puts his pants on one leg at a time. The only difference being his are on backwards and covered in various bodily fluids.