Charlie Sheen made headlines yesterday when accidentally posted his cell phone number on Twitter. According to Sheen he thought he was private messaging his number to teen pop star Justin Bieber, because he is looking to “hang out” with him.
Predictably Charlie Sheen’s phone began to ring off the hook, but he took it in stride showing why he is a talented humorist and his career is totally not the result of nepotism by answering a few of the calls with “Ray’s Pizza” and “Winning”.
When Charlie Sheen sets his sights on a sexual conquest he usually prevails, so it is pretty safe to assume Justin Bieber is about to be taken to pound town and then have his face Sheened. Who knows if Biebs plays his cards right maybe Charlie will make him his new goddess. We’ll just have to wait and see.
In a sign that the actor might be facing financial troubles after being let go from his hit TV show “2 And A Half Men”, Charlie Sheen has announced that he will be auctioning off a portion of his harem of whores.
Lloyd’s of London is reportedly going to be conducting the auction of whores for Sheen in late June, and to increase interest Charlie has already offered a fine stock of whores to be previewed by would-be bidders in the GIF below.
I fully expect a powerful Muslim Sheik to bid on and win all of Charlie Sheen’s auctioned whores, for this is a once and lifetime opportunity to f*ck a piece of Hollywood history that no self-respecting Sheik would pass up.
It has just been confirmed that Charlie Sheen’s own brother Emilio Estevez will be replacing him on the hit CBS TV show “Two and a Half Men”.
In a statement from Emilio Estevez I found written on a crumbled up napkin at a Chili’s on Sunset, Emilio boasts about stealing Charlie’s show saying,
For years now I’ve had to watch as my brother’s career flourished and mine faded into obscurity. I was one of the biggest movie stars of the 1980′s, but everyone seemed to forget that because my brother got one #1 TV show.
Well Charlie, now it is Emilio’s turn to shine again and I am taking over your show. Lets face it I’m more talented, and better looking than you. You can scream “winning” all you want because I am so far ahead I’m not even keeping score.
- Emilio out!
Renowned cocksman and honorary Muslim, Charlie Sheen took to his Twitter account to defend himself against slander from the freakishly deformed movie critic Roger Ebert.
As you can see in the Twitter exchange above, Ebert unfairly attacks Sheen, calling him lonely. Of course it is only through the evils of modern Western medicine and social media that Roger Ebert is even still able to express his opinion, considering Allah in his infinite wisdom inflicted his jaw with cancer.
Of course being the winner that he is Charlie Sheen easily outwits Roger Ebert by sarcastically tweeting back that banging 5 women at once sure is lonely. To which there was no response from Ebert, probably because his nurse maid is still wiping the dribble from his prosthetic chin.
The picture above is of Charlie Sheen posing happily with his wife, girlfriend/nanny, and porn star Bree Olson after (probably) having a foursome.
Charlie Sheen and his women are all staying together in an exclusive resort in the Bahamas. When Charlie Sheen isn’t fulfilling the will of Allah and trying to get the abomination of a show “Two And A Half Men” canceled, he is probably enjoying the sensual pleasures of his harem by having his wife lick his balls while banging his girlfriend and/or porn star in the ass.
It is great to see Charlie Sheen embrace Islamic culture like this. Like every good Muslim Charlie rants against the US government and makes thinly veiled anti-semitic remarks, enjoys smoking the poppy, and has a harem of obedient women who eagerly fulfill his every desire. Allah truly has shown Charlie the way. Allahu Akbar!
Charlie Sheen may lock his women up in closets or threaten to kill them, but he always makes sure to change their newspapers and that they have plenty of water in their dish. Also he takes care of them financially, so really what more can a whore ask for?
Take Charlie’s dear, dear friend Kacey Jordan for example. She received a check from him for $30k for, um, services rendered, which she immediately took to the bank. The bank didn’t have enough cash for her, so they gave her $8k, and a check for the rest, which she gleefully cashed today.
Not bad for a day’s work Kacey Jordan, but if you ever want to make some real money let us know. We happen to know a very generous sheik who loves busted looking blonde whores, so contact us if interested.
Breaking News: Actor Charlie Sheen, who was rushed to a hospital Thursday morning with “severe abdominal pains”, died from what doctors are calling withdrawal like symptoms at 6:46am Pacific Standard Time.
Though details are still sketchy, early word is that Charlie Sheen’s death can be attributed to severe symptoms of withdrawal. Sheen was taken to a hospital for abdominal pains, which doctors quickly determined were being caused by a hooker’s clear high heel shoe shoved into the actor’s rectum. Once the shoe was removed Charlie Sheen stabilized and appeared to be out of the woods.
However, that was obviously not the case. Doctors wanted to hold Charlie Sheen for observation against the better judgment of his manager/whore wrangler Tony Fucelli. “I told dem guys Charlie needs his fix. He’ll die if they keep him here”, said a tearful Fucelli.
After nearly 6 hours without a whore Charlie Sheen went into withdrawal and quickly slipped into a coma. Doctors were unable to revive him and have pronounced him dead.
More on this story as it develops. Our thoughts and prayers go out to Charlie’s family and the millions of hookers, porn stars, and struggling actresses that counted on him to make ends meet.
