Jessica Alba proves once again that motherhood has not changed her whore like ways, and its only impact on her has been saggier breasts.
How I pity Jessica Alba’s child. Imagine having a mother that walked around in a revealing top like that, bent over so her bosom dangles for all to see. How much shame must that child feel? How much happier would he be if Jessica wore a motherly burka instead of dressing like a street walker?
Jessica Alba has got to realize that now that her loins have been soiled by birthing a non Muslim child, no one is interested in what little sex appeal she has left no matter much cleavage she sticks in our face. She is just bringing shame to her family with these pathetic attempts to draw attention to herself.
Left: Kim Kardashian | Right: Lil' Reggie
Kim Kardashian was arrested and accused of animal abuse after she allegedly stomped Reggie Bush’s beloved dog to death.
Miami police said they were called to Kardashian’s hotel Wednesday after a member of the cleaning staff brought the body of a dead dog to animal control officers. The dog, a small Pomeranian mix by the name of “Lil’ Reggie,” had severe head trauma. Kardashian had been watching the dog while Bush was in New York.
Police were told that Kardashian picked up the dog and threw it down on the ground after she learned that Reggie had been spotted with another woman at a New York nightclub. Authorities said Kardashian continued to stomp on the dog’s neck until it stopped moving. Guests of the hotel reported hearing Kardashian “laughing manically” around the time of the incident.
This is not Kardashian’s first encounter with animal abuse charges. In 2008, Kardashian was arrested in Compton after setting a baby raccoon on fire. Later that year authorities raided the Kardashian home and discovered hundreds of animals crowded together in foul-smelling conditions as well as dozens of puppy carcasses in a freezer.
Obviously Kim is a very sick girl. Let’s hope she gets the help she needs.
Tiger Woods’ mistress Joslyn James has made headlines today by releasing a series of very graphic text messages that Tiger allegedly sent her during their relationship. Here is a sample of the ones released that got my loins burning.
- OK, I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust.
- I want to treat you rough, throw you around, spank and slap you
- Have you ever had a golden shower done to you? … just morbid curiosity.
- You are my f**king whore. Hold you down while I choke you
However, Celeb Jihad has learned that these texts are just the tip of the iceberg, and that Joslyn has been saving the really dirty stuff for later. We were able to get our hands on some more alleged Tiger Woods text messages, and lets just say I haven’t masturbated this vigorously since I heard Farrah Fawcett died of ass cancer. Don’t take my word for it see for yourself:
- OK lets go to the Olive Garden. You can order the pasta primavera and I’ll take it into the bathroom, jerk off into it, then watch you eat it.
- I want to suck a fart out of your a**hole and hold it in my mouth like a bong hit.
- Have you ever eaten another girl’s sh*t out of a cup, then vomited it back into the cup, then watched as she drank the sh*t vomit, then tongue kissed her? … just morbid curiosity.
- You are my disgusting AIDS ridden c*ckgobbling c*m dumpster. I want to take a blowtorch to your nipples.
What did I tell you hot stuff!
Like most of the nation I have been in tears for most of the day today after finding out that Jesse James has been having an affair behind Sandra Bullock’s back with some girl named Michelle “Bombshell” McGee. This news is so devastating that I, like most of you, will probably be forced to take my own life from the grief sometime later today.
Until then I’d like to cast a light on the home wrecker who ruined the Sandra Bullock Jesse James marriage. As you can see in the picture above she has that girl next door look that men find irresistible. Apparently her affair with Jesse James started when she friend requested him on Facebook. Everyone knows a friend request from a girl on Facebook is an open invitation to pillage her stink hole. Poor Jesse James was unable to resist the allure of this fresh faced vixen and succumbed to her brazen advances by inviting her up to LA to stay with him while Sandra was away filming “The Blind Side”.
I can only pray that Sandra Bullock finds it in her heart to forgive Jesse for this small indiscretion. Hopefully she can realize how lucky she is to have a man like him for her husband. It is so rare to find a tattooed wannabe tough guy in LA that if you are fortunate enough to get one you damn well better hold on to him.
Immigrants often get a bad rap in the West. For the most part, it’s undeserved. A few bad apples (like myself) blow up a bus, behead a cartoonist, or set an unchaste woman on fire, and everyone overreacts and screams for deportations. It’s ridiculous. After all, if we are all deported, who will do the jobs that the infidels are too lazy to do, like washing dishes and flying passenger planes into buildings?
You smug native-born citizens should remember that many of your favorite American celebrities have Celtic-pig blood coursing through their veins: George Clooney, The Jonas Brothers, and Eddie Murphy just to name a few. Well, not long ago, the Irish were the filthy immigrants with the weird religion that everyone wanted to deport. Don’t believe me? Then take a look at these anti-Irish cartoons from back in the 1800s that we stole from another website. They are pretty offensive. If I were Irish, I would track down the author’s decedents and murder them in their sleep. But that’s just me.
At any rate, have fun worshiping Saint Patrick, you filthy pagans!
The Usual Irish Way of Doing Things (1871) - An angry ape-like Irish man sits on a barrel labeled: “Uncle Sam’s Gun Powder.”
The Mortar of Assimilation (1889) - Only the Irish immigrant is causing trouble.
Killing the Golden Goose (1878) - An Irish thug and a filthy Catholic priest carve up the Democratic Party (portrayed as the goose that laid the golden eggs).
Uncle Sam’s Lodging House (1882) - Of all the immigrants, only the Irishman is causing trouble. Even the “Negro” is getting along with everyone, and something tells me “Negroes” weren’t all that popular in 1882.
“The Most Recently Discovered Wild Beast” (1881) – Yet another cartoon portraying the Irish as violent and subhuman.
The Irish Declaration of Independence (1883) – “Stereotypical image of the Irish American woman who is large, with big feet and muscular arms and a violent, domineering temper.” Must remind you of your mom, eh Shamus?
The Ignorant Vote (1876) – Harper’s Weekly depicts the “ape-like” Irish (or “White Negro”) Democrats in the north balancing out the Republican-voting blacks of the south.
Simian Irishman (1867) – “St. Patrick’s Day, …Rum, Blood, The Day We Celebrate.” A brutal attack on the police in an Irish riot.
Everybody Works But Father (1905) – Image of your typical Irishman, rocking at home while his family does wash to earn income.
The Propagation Society (1855) – An anti-Catholic cartoon, reflecting the nativist perception of the threat posed by the Roman Church’s influence through Irish immigration and Catholic education. Obliviously they hadn’t heard of pedophilia at the time.
American Gold (1882) - “We work for it. (The Irish) wait for it.”
Outrageous (1893) – This cartoon suggests monkeys deserve better than to be given Irish names.
After months of negotiations Joe Jonas has appeared to finally come to an agreement with Demi Lovato to be her “beard”. A beard is someone of the opposite sex who dates an obvious homosexual to help them hide the fact that they are gay.
Gay celebrities often use beards to mask their true sexual preferences *cough *cough Tom Cruise. Being a celebrity’s beard can be quite lucrative. No word yet on how much Joe Jonas stands to clear for pretending to date Demi Lovato though. Of course it is entirely possible that this is a mutually beneficial relationship in which both Demi Lovato and Joe Jonas are acting as each others’ beards a la the infamous Taylor Swift Taylor Lautner relationship.
One thing is abundantly clear though, there is absolutely no chemistry or sexual attraction between Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato. Just look at the photo above and tell me which one is the real couple?
Tiger Woods made headlines today when he announced that his return to golf will take place at something called “The Masters”. That sounds like a pretty racist tournament to me, but what do you expect from a self-loathing black guy like Woods.
More importantly though we have heard from a very reliable source (who may or may not be a carnival psychic) that Tiger will make his triumphant return to banging whores behind his wife’s back sometime in early May. After a long period away from the game Tiger has decided he is ready to get back out there and get his golf club wet.
No one knows for sure how Tiger’s sex game will be affected by his extended absence from f*cking, but his fellow adulterers don’t seem to concerned. When asked how Tiger’s layoff may affect his laying ability, long time friend and former President Bill Clinton said, “Tiger is a once in a generation type of cocksman. I don’t see him having any problem getting back out there. His whore wrangling may be a little down at first, but once he gets back inside some stink he should be fine. It is just like riding a bike.”
So skanks of America start doing your stretches and waxing your naughty bits because one of the greatest man whores of our era will be back on the prowl in a matter of weeks.
