The New Year is a time for reflection, and we here at Celeb Jihad have a saying “Durka durka Muhammad tuck tuck jihad Allah” which loosely translates to “The only good celebrity is a dead celebrity”.

So let us take a moment to reflect on the top 5 celebrity deaths of 2009. Allah willing 2010 will be another banner year for celeb mortality rates.

	#5 Brittany Murphy – The most recent celebrity death, Brittany Murphy starts off our list at #5. Bug-eyed and at least slightly psychotic Brittany Murphy would be more likely to get pepper sprayed than a friendly smile while walking down the street if she was not famous. However, because people have seen her in a few movies she was perceived as “quirky” and “cool”. Hopefully those fans of her’s act just as “quirky” as she did by overdosing in the shower post haste.
	#4 DJ AM – First off the man was a DJ. He made insane amounts of money for putting his iPod on shuffle in clubs. If you don’t want to jump up and celebrate when someone like that dies than there is something seriously wrong with you. The media ignored the glaring hypocrisy of this douchebag. He was shooting a show for MTV were he chastised kid’s for not being strong like him and quitting drugs, before going back to his hotel room and overdosing on them. What an ass!
	#3 David Carradine – What is not to like about a celebrity death that involves a rope that is tied around the neck and genitals for autoerotic asphyxiation in a whore house in Thailand? David Carradine probably had the most embarrassing celebrity death of 2009. If only it had been someone more famous who died with a rope around their wiener like a Tom Cruise, George Clooney, or Rosie O’Donnell then it would have been tops on our list for sure.
	#2 Tiger Woods – OK so Tiger Woods didn’t actually die this year, but his endorsement career pretty much did. And a more glorious death we have not seen in years (mainly because of all the whores). The fact that nerdy white guys absolutely worshiped Tiger because they thought he represented a hip classly minority version of themselves is funny enough. However, then to have their idol completely exposed as a relentless poon hound who has stuck it in everything from porn stars to Waffle House hostesses is down right hilarious. So much for Tiger being the epitome of a colored with class for you WASPs to worship. Don’t worry you still have Colin Powell.
	#1 Michael Jackson – Was there really any doubt who the #1 celebrity death of 2009 would be. Michael Jackson the “King of Pop” became the “King of Death” in 2009. The intrigue around his death (whether he was murdered or not) never really interested me, beyond whether I should send a gift basket to his killer. No what made this death so great was the coming out party of all the Michael Jackson fans. What a reflection on Western culture to see the masses in hysterics over the death of a high-pitched child molester. Sure Michael had a couple catchy songs, but that was back in the 80′s. The man had spent the last 20 years trying to look like a child while fingering them, but the public reaction was like Muhammad himself had met his maker. If that isn’t a sign that Western society is doomed I don’t know what is.

Just because Brittany Murphy is dead it does not mean she is going to stop appearing in movies. The producers for the upcoming thriller “Deadline” have cast Brittany in the role of a girl who dies in the bathtub.

“It is the role she was born to play” says producer Mel Carmizon. “We will be using Brittany Murphy’s death and autopsy photos to shoot most of the scenes, as well as some CGI of course. I’ve seen the rough cut. It really is some of Brittany’s best work!”

Creatives for the movie featuring Brittany Murphy’s death photo have already hit the presses. “We wanted to get them out in time for Christmas. They are going to make a great stocking stuffer” said Mel. “I know a lot of college guys want to have a sexy picture of a dead Brittany Murphy hanging in their dorm rooms right now.”

In a bold move that all major news outlets are describing as “well-timed”, “brilliant”, and “sexy” (except for Fox News which only characterized it as “mildly genius”) President Obama called an emergency press conference out on the White House lawn to lament the death of actress Brittany Murphy, and put her untimely demise squarely on our “broken health care system”. President Obama said,

From Billy Mayes to Michael Jackson we as a nation have lost a great number of national treasures this year. Now with the passing of Brittany Murphy, I’m saying enough. The time for debate is over we must act on health care reform now… I’m here today to tell you that all these celebrity deaths could have been avoided if we had affordable health care for all Americans.

Republicans opponents counter that the President was once again being disingenuous. Sen. Al Hartford from Iowa released this statement,

For the President to say that all the celebrity deaths could have been avoided with health care reform is a gross exaggeration. I’d like to know how David Carradine would still be alive today considering he killed himself performing autoerotic asphyxiation in Thailand. Even with a single payer or public option I just don’t see how that is possible.

White House Cheif of Staff Rahm Emanuel was quick to counter,

Under the President’s plan Mr Carradine would never have had to travel to Thailand in the first place. He would have been able to afford for a trained nurse to choke and beat him off. Provided that he filled out the necessary paperwork and got approval from a health review board of course.

The debate over health care continues to rage in Washington, while our nation’s most precious resource, celebrities, drop like flies. Let us hope that something gets done soon before we have no celebrities left.

Christmas came early for Tiger Woods this year when actress Brittany Murphy died suddenly in her LA home. Tiger and his harem of skanks who had been dominating the headlines the last couple weeks were instantly wiped off the front page as Brittany chased the dragon one to many times.

Brittany Murphy’s death looks like a clear case of drug overdose. However, we here at Celeb Jihad aren’t ruling out foul play just yet. We have to ask ourselves who would benefit the most from Brittany’s demise. The answer is most certainly Tiger Woods.

I’m no Angela Lansbury but I think the authorities should be at least questioning Woods about his whereabouts when Brittany Murphy died. Maybe they can smack him around some too, and see what he confesses too. I just find this whole thing a little to convenient for Tiger.

Feel free to make wild speculations and accusations in the comment section. It may be the only way we are going to solve this case!

Actress Brittany Murphy the star of such movies as “Clueless” and “8 Mile” died today at the age of 32.

Brittany Murphy’s mom discovered her unconscious in the shower. A 911 call was made at 8:00 AM from her Los Angeles home. When paramedics arrived, they quickly determined Murphy was in full cardiac arrest and immediately administered CPR. Brittany Murphy was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center where she was pronounced dead on arrival. Her time of death was listed as 10:04 AM.

Many are already beginning to speculate that drugs lead to Brittany Murphy’s death. However, when pressed for a cause of death Los Angeles County coroner Manuel Perez creepily responded “I’ll never tell” to pay homage to Brittany’s role in the hit movie “Don’t Say A Word”.