With millions of Americans still caught in the grips of a crippling recession President Barack Obama is preparing to make his 2011 “State of the Union Address” tonight. Many political pundits have speculated that Obama would focus on the economy and job creation, but CelebJihad.com has received an advanced copy of the President’s speech and it is filled with surprises.
Obama expanded his speech writing team for this year’s address picking up famed Oscars joke writer Bruce Vilanch, so not surprisingly Obama’s speech will feature quite a few pop culture references. He will open with a joke disparaging MTV’s Jersey Shore star “Snooki” for her weight and small stature (no word yet if Snooki will be in attendance at the time). Obama will then cover a few of the big celeb scandals Americans are currently dealing with, specifically the whole Charlie Sheen and his hookers thing (lets just say he has a doozy of a pun using “Two And A Half Men”)
Once America and more importantly the audience in attendance is properly warmed up, President Obama will get into the serious issues. He’ll compare America’s current economic troubles to that of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg’s character in “The Social Network”, and he’ll point out how Americans needs to just sit tight because “we don’t know what this thing is yet”.
President Obama will end his speech with a significant rant against the importance of birth certificates. He’ll remind Americans that they can not really be trusted and are thus not important. Obama will propose that America do away with the whole birth certificate system, and instead just take people’s word for their birthplace because “like the elders in my village use to say ‘we are all in this together’.”
Yes President Barack Obama’s 2011 State of the Union Address is going to be one for the ages. There are sure to be a lot of laughs with a few poignant moments sprinkled in. The American populace will walk away from it being thoroughly entertained.
Actor Wesley Snipes who is currently serving 3 years in federal prison for tax evasion is about to receive some good news. According to sources in Washington DC, President Barack Obama will be issuing his annual Martin Luther King Day pardon, and this year he is considering giving it to Wesley Snipes.
Obama has taken a lot of heat from the black community for not doing enough to help the plight of African Americans during his presidency. His Martin Luther King Day pardon is a way for him to give back. This year Obama has chosen Wesley Snipes because according to an aid,
“Lets face it that brother is dark. He could leave a hand print on coal. If Wesley Snipes was riding a motorcycle he’d get pulled over for having an illegal tint. What better way for the President to help black people than by pardoning the blackest one around?”
Of course the Presidential pardon does not come without a caveat. Obama is going to require that Wesley Snipes converts to Islam by tax day April 15th or risk being re-incarcerated. Our White House insider explains the reasoning behind this condition,
“As a child growing up in Kenya, Barack always took such comfort in the teachings of Islam, which he has carried with him his whole life. One of his dreams has always been to make America into a Socialist Muslim theocracy, and by forcing Wesley Snipes to convert to Islam he is getting much closer to making that dream a reality.”
After just 2 short years in office Barack Obama is already the greatest President the world has ever known. He promised to stop America’s imperialistic wars, and then brilliantly followed up on his promise by continuing and expanding them. He promised to give universal health care to all Americans, and he delivered and some by craftily paying for it without touching Americas brown people killing fund aka “the defense budget” and instead required pretty much every American to just pay for it their damn selves.
If all that was not enough Obama was also instrumental in getting the immensely popular banker bailout passed without which Goldman Sachs would never have been able to meet their executive bonus obligations. I shudder to imagine the collective guilt Americans would have felt if that nightmare would of been allowed to happen, especially since as Obama explained at the time, it was all the people’s fault for selfishly getting mortgages to buy homes.
I know what you are probably wondering, how has Obama been able to be so awesome? Is he the super Jesus the Bible foretold about? Maybe. Is he a robot built from the parts of all the great leaders of the past and recycled helicopters? Perhaps. Is he an alien who landed on this planet and received super decision making powers from the earth’s sun? Definitely not because that would mean he is not eligible to be President. I think the most logical explanation of Obama’s extremely awesome awesomeness is that he surrounds himself with only the best people.
If you want to know if you should continue fighting a war you ask a general. If you want to make a health care bill you ask the health care insurance industry to write it for you. If you want to know if you should continue giving trillions to Wall Street you ask guys like Larry Summers and Tim Geithner who work for Wall Street. Finally, if you want to know about being a super genius you take actor Gary Busey as your mentor, life coach, and top adviser, and that is just what Obama did.
As these exclusive behind the scenes White House photos show, it has been Gary Busey who Obama has relied upon throughout his Presidency. Let us hope that this dynamic duo of Obama and Busey keeps delivering in the next 2 years, so Americans can get their desperately needed war with Iran and expanded domestic spying program through the Patriot Act. Because someone has to keep an eye on all those unemployed people.
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In a bold move that all major news outlets are describing as “well-timed”, “brilliant”, and “sexy” (except for Fox News which only characterized it as “mildly genius”) President Obama called an emergency press conference out on the White House lawn to lament the death of actress Brittany Murphy, and put her untimely demise squarely on our “broken health care system”. President Obama said,
From Billy Mayes to Michael Jackson we as a nation have lost a great number of national treasures this year. Now with the passing of Brittany Murphy, I’m saying enough. The time for debate is over we must act on health care reform now… I’m here today to tell you that all these celebrity deaths could have been avoided if we had affordable health care for all Americans.
Republicans opponents counter that the President was once again being disingenuous. Sen. Al Hartford from Iowa released this statement,
For the President to say that all the celebrity deaths could have been avoided with health care reform is a gross exaggeration. I’d like to know how David Carradine would still be alive today considering he killed himself performing autoerotic asphyxiation in Thailand. Even with a single payer or public option I just don’t see how that is possible.
White House Cheif of Staff Rahm Emanuel was quick to counter,
Under the President’s plan Mr Carradine would never have had to travel to Thailand in the first place. He would have been able to afford for a trained nurse to choke and beat him off. Provided that he filled out the necessary paperwork and got approval from a health review board of course.
The debate over health care continues to rage in Washington, while our nation’s most precious resource, celebrities, drop like flies. Let us hope that something gets done soon before we have no celebrities left.
US Weekly is reporting that Angelina Jolie can not stand Barack Obama. A source close to Angelina is quoted as saying,
“She hates him… She’s into education and rehabilitation and thinks Obama is all about welfare and handouts. She thinks Obama is really a socialist in disguise… Angie isn’t Republican, but she thinks Obama is all smoke and mirrors”
By Muhammad’s beard! A celebrity with some political sense now I have seen everything! I must admit that Angelina’s attractiveness just increased greatly.
However according to my source close to Angelina the real reason she hates Obama is because he is African, but she can not adopt him.
President Barack Obama has been awarded the 2009 Nobel Prize for Peace. The Nobel committee sited Obama’s deep commitment to shooting impoverished Somali pirates in the head as the determining factor in awarding him the prize.
“Sure his theoretical achievements such as closing Guantanamo Bay or ending the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are impressive,” said committee member Berg Klippfisk. “But what clinched it for us was his deep commitment to having impoverished Somali pirates shot in the head, especially after they have already been surrounded and are negotiating the release of their only hostage.”
Added Klippfisk, “Also, he’s black, so, ya know.”
Celeb Jihad has obtained the exclusive audio of President Barack Obama calling Kanye West a “n-word” for interrupting Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech during the VMAs.
The audio was recorded just before Obama went on camera to do an interview with CNBC. Before the interview began, Obama was asked about Kanye and said “I thought that was really inappropriate,” then added, “He’s a jackass.”
Here is that audio:
But Obama was not done there. While reporters kept recording Obama proceeded to go all “hood” as he let loose a string of profanities and racial slurs towards the rapper. Repeatedly calling Kanye a “house n-word”.
We have the exclusive audio of that tirade here:
