In a bold move that all major news outlets are describing as “well-timed”, “brilliant”, and “sexy” (except for Fox News which only characterized it as “mildly genius”) President Obama called an emergency press conference out on the White House lawn to lament the death of actress Brittany Murphy, and put her untimely demise squarely on our “broken health care system”. President Obama said,
From Billy Mayes to Michael Jackson we as a nation have lost a great number of national treasures this year. Now with the passing of Brittany Murphy, I’m saying enough. The time for debate is over we must act on health care reform now… I’m here today to tell you that all these celebrity deaths could have been avoided if we had affordable health care for all Americans.
Republicans opponents counter that the President was once again being disingenuous. Sen. Al Hartford from Iowa released this statement,
For the President to say that all the celebrity deaths could have been avoided with health care reform is a gross exaggeration. I’d like to know how David Carradine would still be alive today considering he killed himself performing autoerotic asphyxiation in Thailand. Even with a single payer or public option I just don’t see how that is possible.
White House Cheif of Staff Rahm Emanuel was quick to counter,
Under the President’s plan Mr Carradine would never have had to travel to Thailand in the first place. He would have been able to afford for a trained nurse to choke and beat him off. Provided that he filled out the necessary paperwork and got approval from a health review board of course.
The debate over health care continues to rage in Washington, while our nation’s most precious resource, celebrities, drop like flies. Let us hope that something gets done soon before we have no celebrities left.
US Weekly is reporting that Angelina Jolie can not stand Barack Obama. A source close to Angelina is quoted as saying,
“She hates him… She’s into education and rehabilitation and thinks Obama is all about welfare and handouts. She thinks Obama is really a socialist in disguise… Angie isn’t Republican, but she thinks Obama is all smoke and mirrors”
By Muhammad’s beard! A celebrity with some political sense now I have seen everything! I must admit that Angelina’s attractiveness just increased greatly.
However according to my source close to Angelina the real reason she hates Obama is because he is African, but she can not adopt him.
President Barack Obama has been awarded the 2009 Nobel Prize for Peace. The Nobel committee sited Obama’s deep commitment to shooting impoverished Somali pirates in the head as the determining factor in awarding him the prize.
“Sure his theoretical achievements such as closing Guantanamo Bay or ending the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are impressive,” said committee member Berg Klippfisk. “But what clinched it for us was his deep commitment to having impoverished Somali pirates shot in the head, especially after they have already been surrounded and are negotiating the release of their only hostage.”
Added Klippfisk, “Also, he’s black, so, ya know.”
Celeb Jihad has obtained the exclusive audio of President Barack Obama calling Kanye West a “n-word” for interrupting Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech during the VMAs.
The audio was recorded just before Obama went on camera to do an interview with CNBC. Before the interview began, Obama was asked about Kanye and said “I thought that was really inappropriate,” then added, “He’s a jackass.”
Here is that audio:
But Obama was not done there. While reporters kept recording Obama proceeded to go all “hood” as he let loose a string of profanities and racial slurs towards the rapper. Repeatedly calling Kanye a “house n-word”.
We have the exclusive audio of that tirade here:
Barack Obama has named his Secretary of Defense… and he’s a Colonel!
In a move that will surely shake up the status quo in Washington, Barack Obama chose Colonel Sanders to be his Secretary of Defense. This is a bold selection that will set the tone for Obama’s new international relations agenda.
Col. Sanders is definitely not a Washington insider. Though he is a Colonel, he tends to spend most of his time on his chicken farm in Kentucky rather than in the bowels of the Pentagon.
While introducing his new Secretary of Defense, Obama had this to say: “He is a man I can trust. He is a man the American people can believe in. We know what we are getting with Col. Sanders. We know he is a Colonel. We know he can keep a secret (recipe). We know he fries one hell of a chicken.”
Welcome to the inaugural edition of B. Rock Hussein’s column, A Bone to Pick.
B. Rock, is a man about town who isn’t afraid to share his opinions. By “about town” we mean the employee lounge at the South Shore Care Center in Oxnard, CA, where he now works as an orderly. By opinions we mean whatever he was able to piece together from watching TMZ, The O’Reilly Factor, and Countdown with Keith Olbermann.
Rumor has it that Oprah Winfrey offered to produce Barack Obama’s half-hour television special which will air simultaneously on CBS, NBC and FOX. She even offered her studio space for the broadcast.”She’s been begging Obama to let her help,” a source told the Drudge Report.Considering the show airs tonight, it’s safe to say that Mrs. Winfrey’s services were not needed. I feel inclined to ever so subtly “fill Oprah in” on the reason Obama turned down her generous offer.
Oprah, darling; you’re black!
Did she seriously think that Obama would allow her, a black woman, to come in on the final leg and expose his own blackness?
Just take a look at the numbers. According to the latest daily Gallup poll, Obama leads McCain 50% to 43%.
Let me translate that for you; 50% of registered voters believe that Obama is white. Now is not the time to rain on that parade.
Furthermore, the ever eloquent Obama has used his powers of oration to convince 10% of registered voters that McCain is, in fact, black. He has convinced 70% of black voters that McCain is white, and the remaining 30% now believe McCain to be some sort of Puerto Rican fellow who is trying to sleep with their underage sister. Perhaps most importantly, he has convinced 97% of all Puerto Rican statutory rapists that Sarah Palin is an adorable, but retarded, wolverine.
At this point in the game putting Oprah next to Obama would be political suicide. She might as well offer to have Jesse Jackson direct the special, put Al Sharpton behind the camera and have Reverend Wright hold the sound boom. Only in America!
The point is Oprah should stick to what she does best; redistributing her wealth to her lazy ass, out of work studio audience.
Thanks but no thanks, Oprah. Consider your bone PICKED!
The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of B. Rock Hussein.
West Hollywood, CA – With the Democratic National Convention well underway, Senator Barack Obama finds himself losing many high-profile celebrity endorsers to an unlikely rival: the Lemon Party.
David Geffen, Joel Schumaker, and Richard Chamberlain are just a few of the Hollywood heavyweights who have abandoned their traditional support for Democrats to join the little known and highly exclusive group.
The Lemon Party, which recently nominated Congressman Barney Frank, has been aggressively targeting affluent bachelors over the age of 50, particularly those involved in theater and film. Frank, who beat out former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey as well as Idaho Senator Larry Craig at the party’s convention in Key West, wooed supporters with his ability to juggle many balls at once as well his commitment to get the job done no matter how long it takes.
“I hear a lot people talking about change these days,” said columnist and long time Lemon Partier Rex Reed. “But if you want to lead the Lemon Party you need to have experience, and Barney Frank has plenty of that.”
Experts who once dismissed the Lemon Party as a “fringe” or “niche” movement are now praising the group’s use of the internet to spread its message and attract new members.
“Ten years ago no one knew what the Lemon Party was,” said former Star Trek actor and party member George Takei. “But today, thanks to the internet, our website gets millions of visitors from across the globe, and we’re laying the foundation for future Lemon Party leaders like Bryan Singer and the Jonas Brothers.”
Added Takei, “People try to paint us as elitists, but in reality we are truly an ass-roots movement.”
For more information on the Lemon Party visit www.lemonparty.org.
