Dear Brad,

What the fuck? What in God’s holy name are you doing to me? Have you lost your mind?

You’re Brad fucking Pitt! The Sexiest Man Alive! You have a gift for which any man would gladly give his left testicle. All you have to do is snap your fingers, and any woman on this planet will spread faster than Parkay (and if the statistics are correct, so will about 10% of the men).

Right now we could be in a hotel room with a dozen half-naked Victoria’s Secret models. We could be hanging out by Clooney’s pool with a bunch of bikini-clad Playmates! We could be picking a sorority house at random and then nailing every girl inside. But instead we’re in butt-fucking Namibia waiting for Billy Bob Thornton’s extra-sloppy seconds to squeeze out your kid. Smooth move, brainiac! This is much better than hanging out with Hef at the mansion. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Look, I‘m sorry if I‘m coming across as harsh. You’re a great guy, and I’m extremely lucky to be a part of you. But this isn’t the first time you’ve fucked up. A while back your dumb ass went and got engaged to Gwyneth Paltrow. Luckily we dodged a bullet when that fell through. No big deal; we all make mistakes. But instead of learning from those mistakes you went and got engaged again, this time to Jennifer Aniston. Now don’t get me wrong, I’d think getting married to a hot girl like Jennifer Aniston would be a great idea if I was Lyle Lovett’s penis, or if I was hanging between the legs of some schmuck like Ross Geller. But I’m Brad Pitt‘s penis, damn it! The world is my bearded clam! So excuse me if I get a little fucking annoyed when you go and throw it all away to be with Rachel from “Friends”.

Once you tied the knot with Aniston I thought we were fucked. But rather than let you squander their precious gift of limitless vagina, the gods saw fit to break us out of your self-imposed prison. In their wisdom they sent us Angelina Jolie, quite possibly the world’s most perfect home wrecker. She’s got an extremely hot body, she’s bi-sexual, and, best of all, her father has been quoted as saying that she has “serious emotional problems.” Bingo! Problem solved! I’ll have my fun with Angelina, your wife will leave us, and you’ll be a free man again. Get in, pull out, get on with your life! What could go wrong?

I‘ll tell you what could go wrong. Your dumb ass could fall in love with your fucking mistress. You might be the dumbest person on this whole godforsaken planet. I’m surprised you haven’t traded away your residuals from Ocean’s 11 for some magic fucking beans. Falling in love with your mistress is like paying an illegal immigrant a fair wage. It totally defeats the fucking purpose! You just don’t do it!

Then again, it looks like you never received the list of things you just don’t do. If you had, I’m sure you would have noticed the entry about not taking legal custody of your crazy-ass mistress’s third-world adoptees. It would have been a hard one to miss. It’s in big bold letters right near the top, just under “don’t fuck a monkey with AIDS” and just above “don‘t let a gay Scientologist knock you up.” It’s a real shame you missed that, because we could have avoided a lot of trouble. But now Angelina’s two little cock blocks are our headache too, you fucking dip-shit.

To be honest I feel sorry for the poor little bastards, especially the little Asian kid with the Mohawk. Not only is Angelina Jolie the only mother they‘ve ever known, but up until now the closest thing they’ve had to a father is that ugly Asian chick their mommy used to screw. They would have been better off taking their chances in Ethiopia, or Cambodia, or wherever the fuck they were from. Hell, the Asian kid might have become the next Pol Pot, but now he’ll probably just end up getting a sex change and going on “The Surreal Life”.

But you were not content with turning these third-world orphans into future Jay Leno punch lines. No, you decided that you needed to produce your own offspring with a bisexual suffering from “serious emotional problems.” Fan-fucking-tastic. That ought to do wonders for her figure, which just happens to be her only redeeming quality. Do you have any idea what it’s like having sex with a woman who’s given birth? It’s like fucking a bucket, man. You might as well just use me to hump a hallway. At least it won’t demand an explanation as to why I can’t climax.

That brings us to where we are today: Namibia. I know when I think of places with great medical care, Namibia is always first on my list. This is a country where it isn’t safe to piss without wearing a condom, so I’m sure it’s a great spot for birthing. Yeah, fuck Johns Hopkins. This game lodge surrounded by lions is just as good. You’re gonna be one hell of a father.

Look, you’re in charge here, and I’m just along for the ride. I don‘t agree with any of this, but there’s not much I can do to change your mind. Hell, Jon Voight says she’s crazy, and you won’t even listen to him. So I’m only gonna say this once. Someday when an even crazier Angelina Jolie’s once-perfect tits are hanging down to her knees and you are forced to make Ocean’s 17 to pay for your kid’s multiple rehab sessions, you’ll wish you could go back in time, pull your head out of your ass and start thinking with your cock. When that day comes, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Sincerely,
Brad Pitt’s Penis