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Back Hair

Back hair is never a desirable trait, but if you’ve got it, you’ve got it. Every once in a great while you’ll run into that one guy who says, “Chicks love it man!” Not true.

In fact, the only time back hair was ever celebrated was during one of Alec Baldwin’s sex scenes and when WWF wrestling great George “the Animal” Steel would prance around the ring doing pirouettes and chewing on turnbuckles.

Entertaining? Sure. But when it’s time to leave the beach and you have used napkins and goops of sunscreen stuck in your back muff, it’s time to act.

Remove it immediately.

Eyebrows

Stop shaping your eyebrows. Eyebrows are not meant to be shaped, but contained. For example; Bill Berry, former drummer of the famed R.E.M. No shaping needed here. But containment; YES.

On the opposite side of the spectrum you have Whoopi Goldberg who only has eye bones; no hair to be found. Now, this type of grooming gets swishy and can be associated with alien like qualities.

This segment is about MANscaping and up to this point Whoopi has been considered a woman, but until it’s confirmed officially by certified medical professionals, Whoopi is a classic example of what not to do for men everywhere.

Public Hair

Pubic hair is usually the first concern for the majority of men, mostly due to the fact that no one wants to walk around and feel like they’re creating static electricity between they’re legs.

Richard Simmons hairdo is a good measurement to see if you need to mend your man bush. Feel free to create and customize your pubic region in any shape, color or combination of both. Even a Hibiscus pattern, perhaps?

As Richard Grieco once said, “A woman doesn’t want to reach down and feel like she’s sticking her hand in a raspberry bush.”

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Hi, I’m Chris Penn’s Ghost! I’ll see you in Hell if…..

 

1. By age 42 you can make your heart implode from eating nothing but prime rib and drinking nothing but rare, mid-western whiskey…
2. You can single handedly supply Madonna’s wedding with amphetamines, codeine, morphine, marijuana, an assortment of valium and 2 1/2 kilos of Bolivian coke…
3. You’re into seducing and servicing three underage chicks while simultaneously rehearsing lines for your role as Tommy Onerato on the hit T.V. series Law & Order; Criminal Intent…
4. While hanging out at the Playboy mansion you have mistaken Quentin Tarantino for a playmate. Then, while under the influence of alcohol and a cocktail of low-end meds, you’ve picked up said director and personally became responsible for his bald spot by pulling on his hair from behind…if you know what I mean…
5. You’ve ever been too lazy to use a regular gas grill and instead used a 273 ft. long extension cord to hook up your George Foreman grill directly next to your poolside lawn chair, thereby enabling yourself to reach down and grab hotdog after delicious hotdog. Then, due to the mustard all over your hands that wound up getting on the outlet you were using, the fuse shorted out and burnt down just over half of the condo association you were living in, killing a few and injuring several others…..

There you have it.

If you do wind up making it down here, great! Look for me. I’m usually at the dog track giving myself a hand job all over the tellers face….ohh before I forget, I’ll personally show you the ropes in lovely Hell if you bring me the gift of all gifts; Astroglide.

Till then…

Yours truly,
Chris Penn’s Ghost
XXXOOOO