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Barring an act of Allah or a presidential pardon, Lindsay Lohan is headed for prison. While the “big house” is no place for a lovely young girl like Lindsay, the following tips will help her get through unscathed (and unshived).

1. Prison blow is weak. Make sure to pack your orifices tight with that sweet pure Bogota white before you’re incarcerated.

2. On your first day in prison, find the biggest, baddest girl in the place and eat her out. That will teach the other inmates not to f*ck with you.

3. Prison is a lot like Freaky Friday in the sense that you’ll spend a lot of time with women like Jaimie Lee Curtis inside you.

4. Fighting boredom is key. Keep yourself busy by lifting weights or learning to read.

5. When in the shower, be sure not to drop your exfoliator or shea butter hair mask. Prison shower floors are filthy!

6. If a prison guard comes on to you, it’s best to do what he wants. You never know, he could have a cousin who is a bouncer at a hot club, or something.

7. If someone comes after you, fall back on your acting chops. While using your expert British accent, explain to your attacker that you’re actually “Lindsay’s long-lost twin sister from England.”

8. Although only one letter apart, the words “snatch” and “snitch” have very different meanings in the Pen. One will save your life, and the other will get you killed.

9. In prison, Herbie the Love Bug isn’t a cute Disney character, but rather the nickname for an aggressive strain of crabs that can survive an entire can of Raid.

10. If someone yells “Cut!” in prison, it’s not the end of the scene, but rather the beginning of the action. Act accordingly.

11. Upon your release, adjusting to life on the outside may prove difficult. I recommend a strict regiment of alcohol and prescription drugs to help you cope.

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Puberty is a difficult time for most teens. Acne, cracked voices, and strange new feelings can make life extremely awkward. But at the end of the day, puberty is simply your body’s way of growing from a child to an adult. Besides, it happens to everyone….even teen heartthrob Justin Bieber!

That’s right, even Justin faces the challenges associated with puberty. And he wants to let all his fans know that if he can get through it, so can you. That’s why Justin sat down with us to share his wisdom on the subject! So, without further ado, here are Justin Bieber’s tips for surviving puberty.

1. Your balls are gonna grow all big and shit, so make sure to buy yourself some bigger drawers, yo.

2. Your pits are gonna stink like my manager’s finger after one of our “coaching sessions.” So be sure to get some Axe for your pits.

3. If you start having a wet dream, ride that shit out. I had a wet dream with Usher in it and it was fantastic!

4. When dating a girl, the urge to explore her body is perfectly natural. I recommend using a hunting knife for exploring those hard to reach places, like the spleen.

5. It’s not a good idea to squeeze or pick at pimples. This practice only makes the acne worse. Try willing them away with the healing power of Kabalah.

6. Sometimes, for no reason, your penis will get hard. Just think about girls and it will go away.

7. During puberty, it’s important to develop your own look. Keep up with the latest fashions and hairstyles by checking magazines like Cosmo and Ranger Rick.

8. Girls who are on their periods should stay within an airtight container for the duration of their menstruation. Vampires can smell that shit a mile away.

9. A girl’s breasts will begin to develop generally between the ages of 8 and 11, so make sure to tap that ass before then. Titties be gross.

10. It’s completely normal to have homosexual thoughts during puberty…at least that’s what Nick Jonas told me during that unforgettable night in Orlando.

Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer is launching a $100 million ad campaign aimed at reinvigorating its flagship drug, Viagra, by targeting the controversial yet potentially lucrative pedophile market.

The campaign, which is set to debut during tomorrow’s premiere of The Jonas Brothers 3D, has no shortage of Hollywood star power.  Oscar winner and statutory rapist Roman Polanski directed the ads for a nominal fee.  Actress Ashley Peldon, star of the 90’s hit Drop Dead Fred, agreed to have her image used in the ads.  Rumors are also circulating that the second round of ads will feature music from R&B powerhouse R. Kelly.

While the move is sure to ruffle feathers, industry experts say it is necessary if Pfizer hopes to maintain growth and prevent a shareholder revolt.   Faced with an ailing economy and an ever-shrinking market share, the company’s stock fell below $14.00 on Monday, a stark contrast to its onetime high of $48.00 just a few years ago.

“The investors have been violated; they’re the victims here,” said shareholder rights advocate and corporate raider Carl Icahn.   “Anything that keeps the shareholders from getting diddled any further is a good thing.”

Most experts agree with Ichan’s assessment.

“Look, you’ve got over 400,000 registered sex offenders in this country alone,” said industry analyst Brian Wallace.  “That doesn’t even take into account the third world, where molesting a child is referred to as ‘Tuesday.’  Throw in Belgium and Vatican City, and you could see the stock back at $50 before the end of the year.”

One of Oprah’s favorite books has turned out to be a fraud (again).  What are some of the major inaccuracies in Herman Rosenblat’s now discredited Holocaust-era romance, Angel at the Fence?

10. The no-holds-barred football game between the prison guards and a rag-tag group of inmates.

9. Rosenblat’s jive-talking African-American sidekick, Detroit Jones.

8. The insistence that his future wife sustained him by tossing only delicious Mott’s brand Apple-Cinnamon Fun Packs over the fence.

7. Rosenblat’s claim that he did Hitler’s taxes in exchange for a new prison library and some beer for his fellow inmates.

6. The constant misspelling of the word “Hon-ik-a.”

5. Rosenblat’s repeated boasting that he “shtupped” a young Elizabeth Taylor after the camp’s annual Springtime Ball.

4. The fact Angel at the Fence is actually a reference to Rosenblat’s reported visions of Androstene-fueled spirits roaming the outfield of the Tel Aviv Angels of Anaheim baseball stadium.

3. The constant depiction of Rosenblat as a Christ figure; particularly during the scene where, on a dare, he eats fifty pieces of bacon.

2. Rosenblat’s claim that while in the camp he was bunkmates with hall-of-fame pitcher Sandy Koufax.

1. The climactic scene where Roseblat and his wife escape death by keeping their eyes firmly shut as the camp commandant opens the Arc of the Covenant.

Thanksgiving is a time to reflect and “give thanks” for our many blessings.  We asked several of today’s hottest celebrities what they were thankful for….

	Britney Spears is thankful for her two wonderful children…and Roe v. Wade…in no particular order.
	Guy Ritchie is thankful to be over his debilitating eight-year case of dry twat.
	Perez Hilton is thankful for Paris Hilton, a generation of celebrity-obsessed retards, and assless chaps.
	Oscar the Grouch – “I’m thankful that Jim Henson is still dead.”
	Kirk Cameron – “I’m thankful that my role of Mike Seaver in Growing Pains allows me to spread the word of God to lost souls watching A&E at 4:00 am. I’m also thankful that so many of those lost souls have bought my book, Still Growing, in stores now.”
	Twilight star Robert Patterson is thankful that teenaged girls are so god damn stupid.
	Dr. Phil is thankful that middle aged women are so god damn stupid.
	Leonard Nemoy – “I’m thankful that JJ Abrams found a way to bring my only chance of working back from the dead…again.  Not even Jesus of Nazareth has topped that.” (Writer’s Commentary – “That’s my fave because I took a shot at Spock and Jesus.”)
	Gary Busey – “I’m thankful that the recent economic downturn hasn’t affected the quality or quantity of delicious honey produced by my ant farm.”
	Richard Gere is thankful that everyone forgot about “the whole gerbil thing.”  We didn’t.
	Sean “P. Diddy” Combs is thankful that Biggie Smalls took those potentially embarrassing rumors about bedwetting to the grave.
	Rosie O’Donnell is thankful to live in a culture where being an ignorant loud-mouthed muff diver gets you on television rather than stoned to death in the town square.

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Congratulation to Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz on their new arrival, Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Based on these parenting tips from Ashlee, we know the kid is in good hands…

1. If your baby comes out a few shades darker than normal, reassure your husband that it’s just because the baby, much like its father, has the rhythm & soul of a black man.

2. Baby formula and cocaine are similar in color and texture, so the Enfamil container is a great place to hide your stash. Just don’t forget it’s in there, or you’re going to have a hell of a time getting your kid to sleep.

3. While most babies can’t live on mayonnaise alone, the really strong ones can.

4. If you’re pregnant for the second time, have an abortion. I’m sure the baby would rather die than live in the shadow of its more attractive older sibling.

5. Remember ladies; not everyone can land a professional football player. But suicidal bi-sexual emo singers make great fathers too.

6. Whatever you do, don’t let “Uncle Tony” hold the baby. He couldn’t hang onto a balloon if he was wearing duct tape gloves.

7. If your new-born child turns out to be one of those talking baby geniuses, put it in a sack and throw it off a bridge. I’ve read my bible, and talking babies ain’t in there.

8. Make sure the vocal track is turned all the way up before lip syncing lullabies to your baby.

9. If your baby’s nose doesn’t look right, set aside $5000 and invest in a low cost indexed fund. Otherwise, inflation will kill you on the cost of rhinoplasty when your child turns 13.

10. When selecting a brand of diapers, DO NOT purchase Huggies. Do you know how many Huggy Bears they kill each year to make those?

11. If your baby develops slowly, it might not be as retarded as you think. My parents thought I was retarded and look how I turned out.

12. Ladies, remember to always put your purse in the back seat so that when you get out of the car you don’t forget your baby.

13. Raising a newborn is hard, thankless work. Make sure you hire enough Guatemalans to handle the job.

14. Remember, you don’t need to come up with a clever name like Bronx Mowgli to make sure your kid stands out. Tattooing the words “Homo Handjob” onto his forehead should work just as well.

Madonna‘s divorce from Guy Ritchie is well underway, and CelebJihad.com has obtained a copy of the prenuptial agreement. Buckle up and enjoy exclusive access to all the shocking details!

 

	Ritchie will retain ownership of the couple’s estate in London, while Madonna will keep her home at Snake Mountain on the dark side of Eternia. She will also retain custody of the evil feline known only as Panthor.
	Madonna will continue to pay Ritchie a monthly stipend of $5000 dollars for a specially designed toothpaste that removes the taste of Warren Betty/Sean Penn/Sandra Bernhardt’s dick from his mouth.
	Ritchie will be granted joint custody of the couple’s children, with the exception of “dat lil’ mow mow wanker. Black as thee ace of spades, ‘e is!”
	Guy Ritchie shall regain full custody of his balls. Madonna waives all visitation rights.
	Madonna shall retain the publishing rights to “Material Girl,” along with all other material possessions, including, but not limited to, the material world we are living in.
	If Madonna fucks A-Rod, she shall have to wear a scarlet colored “A-ROD” on her chest. If Guy Ritchie fucks A-Rod, he shall have to wear a pink colored “GAY-ROD” on his chest. ZING!!!
	Madonna is no longer allowed to wear her “My Lemons Get Squeezed by a Limey Twat” tee-shirt.
	If the divorce is due to Ritchie’s infidelity, Madonna shall have the right to shove no less than seventeen Kabbalah crystals up his ass.
	If the divorce is due to Madonna‘s infidelity, Ritchie shall have the right to remove no more than seventeen Kabbalah crystals from her ass.
	Ritchie will retain custody of the estimated 37,500 unsold copies of Madonna‘s 1992 book, “Sex.” Although Madonna herself will keep prototype copies and publishing rights for the unfinished sequel, “Sex with a Disgusting Old Saddlebag.”
	Madonna will lose custody of her adopted British accent, although she will have visitation rights on Boxing Day, and whenever she is drinking.
	Ritchie waives all claims to heir of the throne of Neumodeada and will sign a non-disclosure agreement pertaining to Madonna’s yearly ceremony at the solstice, wherein her 1000 year old bones turn to dust and she is reborn from the carcass of viper fish.
	Madonna’s vagina is to be donated to astronomers who are anxious to study the effects of black holes on washed-up film directors.

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