Rihanna might not be the chaste virgin we thought she was. After being straightened out by Chris Brown, one would have thought that this wonderful American pop star would keep it clean, but to no avail.

Which is horrible, because us loyalists, despite hating all things American, especially disposable pop stars that dress like harlots (see above), STILL love that “Umbrella” song. Sometimes, we’ll just be walking around the cave, feeding the hostages, and for no reason at all, Muhmad will just go “…ella, ella, ella.” It’s totally hilarious!

However, it shames and saddens us that she has been confirmed as a camel toe licking lesboqueer. A female model just released a book that includes this disgusting lesbian sex scene between herself and Rihanna.

“A friend of mine had introduced me to this Barbadian female pop/R and B artist a while ago. I had heard her music several times and was a fan of her unique sound. I jokingly told him that I want to talk to her. He told me on the sly that he wasn’t sure if she was into women but that he would confirm. We exchanged contact and it went on from there. I wasn’t over my ex, but talking to her helped. She was beautiful, wore her hair short with blonde highlights and her style was creative. I wasn’t sure I could take her serious, so I took it one day at a time. We instantly had a connection. I could listen to her for hours discuss the media, music and fashion. She had opened up and told me about her difficult past, how she went through various trials and tribulations. Sex came up immediately, she was a freak. I wasn’t in a sexual mood, I was on my spiritual journey and sex wasn’t a part of my plans, it just wasn’t important to me. However that didn’t stop anything. She went down and gave me head, I didn’t stop her. She bragged about the way I tasted and then all of a sudden after I came she snapped out of it and would get right back into her music. It was like clockwork. I never went down on her, she was more interested in pleasing me.”

The worst part about Rihanna’s lesbianess is that we were totally going to make “Rudeboy” our battle hymn, but now we’re so shocked that we’re probably going to make it a Ricky Martin song or something. We couldn’t find anything objectionable about him, and he is definitely a lady’s man!

Everyone needs to cut loose every once in a while, and if I had the type of decade that Jessica Simpson had, there’s a decent chance I would be in a VIP room with a needle in my arm and a handle of vodka trying to figure out what the hell has become of my life.

Sooooo, it’s hard to fault her for getting a little (read: insanely) tipsy during a night out for sushi. Maybe she just ate some bad blowfish or something. Or maybe she drank an entire box of sake because their server’s name was Nick. Whatever.

Today she’s probably lying in bed with an ice pack on her head, wondering what became of her country music career and if they’re really gonna do that Dukes of Hazard sequel. Which will cause her to drink again. It’s a vicious cycle. I have a bad feeling that when Jessica drinks, there is a two-in-three chance that she will call her new fiance either Tony or Nick. The only way it will get better is if he changes his name to one of those two.

High-level summits are not just reserved for heads of state at places like Versailles or Camp David. American succubii Kim Kardashian and Snooki got together at a silly basketball game to determine next steps for making the world a dumber, less tolerable place.

Though no notes were taken during the meeting, friend of CJ Ahmed is a pretty good lip reader and was able to make out the following based on video footage of the two:

Kim: I think I’m trying to get Africans to stop worrying about food so much and possibly get them interested in faux diamonds and exotic perfumes.

Snooki: Oh, that’s good. I also wanted to do something in Africa. There’s so much disease and suffering over there, I thought they could lighten up by having a few drinks then some casual, anonymous sex.

Kim: Umm, I’m not sure that’s a great idea….

Snooki: Why? Oh, can you hold my gum for a second? Here…

[scene]

Natalie Portman has a gay bastard child in the oven. Apparently, the wretched Zionist was not content with spreading lesbian propaganda via her films, and decided the best course of action was conceiving a child out of wedlock. As the Hadith teaches us, conceiving out of wedlock all but assures the child will be born a homosexual. As if to leave nothing to chance, the father of the child is a French ballet dancer.

As you’ll remember, Natalie started her acting career later in life at the age of thirteen. I can’t help but wonder what might have happened if she would have spent her pre-teen years landing a husband instead of looking for acting gigs. Perhaps she could have avoided the sinful path she is currently on. To be honest, her clan’s elders are equally at fault. I hope they will do the right thing by selling the child into slavery and stoning Natalie in the town square.

The preceding note was from my client and CelebJihad.com founder, Jibril “Jimmy” Jihad, who is currently being interrogated at a secret CIA facility somewhere in Eastern Europe.

Marty Platinum
J.D. Candidate
The Oxnard School of Law and Therapeutic Massage

Fellow Celebrity Jihadists,

Allah be praised! Although I am in the belly of the beast, I bring you good news! Iranian filmmaker Jafar Panahi has been jailed for six years, and he has been banned from making films for another 20!

Normally, I can’t stand Iran and its filthy Shiite hoards. But I have to hand it to them. After all, a good idea is a good idea, and locking up insolent filmmakers for taking part in public protests is definitely a good idea. His freedom made a mockery of my own situation. Here I sit, an innocent man trapped in a CIA cage, all because I’m a so-called “enemy combatant” who supplied “material support to a conspiracy.” Yet he was free to walk the streets even though he made movies with actual female actors! Well now that tables have turned, haven’t they, Jafar! Allahu Akbar!

By the way, who won The Amazing Race? I hope it wasn’t those awful female doctors. Imagine a woman examining you. How revolting.

Assalamu alaikum,

Jimmy Jihad

According to anonymous sources close to CelebJihad, Gloria James, NBA groupie and mother of LeBron James, has already taken her “talents” to South Beach when she recently doubled-up on Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh.

This shocking story comes only a few months after Gloria banged her son’s former teammate Delonte West in the midst of the NBA playoffs. This time around she wasted no time getting down with two of her son’s teammates at the same time.

According to the source, Gloria checked into the Shell and Crab Motel on Drexel Avenue by herself. Moments later Wade and Bosh were seen entering the motel room carrying a case of malt liquor and a large box of Magnum XL condoms. Nearly two hours later the two NBA stars were seen exiting together and exchanging several hi-fives. Hours later a noticeably intoxicated James limped out of the room and into a taxicab.

CelebJihad contacted LeBron James’ manager Maverick Carter for comment. When made aware of the story Carter announced to us that he would be contacting Jerry Springer to line up a one-hour special to be hailed “The Rescission” in which LeBron James will opt out of his contract with Miami and go in search of a team of NBA players that won’t bang his mom.

Now that he is done fucking Conan O’Brien by banishing him to TBS, Jay Leno has moved onto a new redheaded target – the orangutan. A “60 Minutes” undercover investigation found that Leno, unsatisfied with the ass f*cking of O’Brien, has been sneaking into the LA Zoo late at night and repeatedly raping what zookeepers describe as a young, hip orangutan.

“Jay Leno has a history of aggression towards redheads,” said Scott ‘Carrot Top’ Thompson. “First he f*cks  David Letterman out of ‘The Tonight Show’ and then Conan. Now he’s raping orangutans? What’s next? Throwing his own feces at the Wendy’s girl?”

Attorneys for Leno have been tight lipped, electing not to comment other than to say that when the truth comes out the public will learn that the ass raping was consensual.

O’Brien responded to the news on his Twitter page, simply stating, “I always knew Jay was a motherf*cker, but I never knew he was a monkeyf*cker too. Must be a hack comic thing.”

Congratulation to Gary Busey and his girlfriend Steffanie Sampson on their new arrival, Luke Sampson Busey. Based on these parenting tips from Gary, we know the kid is in good hands…

1. To avoid SIDS, always place your baby on its back when putting it to bed. To avoid AIDS, wrap your child in latex after each and every bowel movement.

2. Be sure to screen prospective babysitters by checking their credit, job history, and anal cavity.

3. When disciplining your baby, always remember to have the safety on, otherwise you might accidentally shoot it for real.

4. If you decide to put your baby up for adoption, don’t forget this important fact: the white ones fetch exponentially more at auction.

5. Breast feeding is recommended for the baby’s health, but it hurts dad’s nipples like hell.

6. Your baby is a gift from above, and like all gifts from above, we must remember to thank Needor, the all-knowing one, for his wrath is furious, his hand swift, and his anal probings uncomfortable.

7. Raising a baby is a challenge, but ultimately you’ll be rewarded with delicious toddler spleen.

8. When putting your baby to sleep, always use twice the amount of poison that you would use on a medium size dog.

9. Newborns love movement and bright colors, making LSD the ideal drug for your baby’s playtime.

10. Babies are a lot like Jews in the sense that they both love delicious smoked salmon.

11. If you choose to feed your baby breast milk, make sure to strain out unwanted pieces of breast.

12. When traveling, always make sure your baby moves in a line parallel to the earth’s gravitational field, regardless of the orientation of any particular street or the traffic moving on said conveyance. That way, your baby’s own magnetic signature will be hidden from the Evil Lord Krylor and his minions in the “United Nations.”

13. When you are in a pinch, an infant’s cartilage skeletal structure means it can be eaten whole, not unlike a soft shelled crab.

14. Though stuffing a regulation-sized football into your baby’s mouth while you repeatedly punch him in the face each night might make him cry now, he’ll thank you once the first of those monster, Busey-sized teeth starts poking out through his gums.

15. While it is socially accepted to refer to your child as “in the oven” when it is in the mother’s womb, after the birth it is frowned upon in the literal sense. Still, I have yet to find a better babysitter than my ol’ Lady Kenmore.

Less than one year after getting beat down by Chris Brown, Rihanna is dating again. Her choice? Somewhat curious considering it is a man who makes his living swinging a baseball bat – Dodgers slugger Matt Kemp.

Standing at 6’3, 230 pounds Kemp is equipped to throttle the obviously masochistic Rihanna in a way that she never imagined possible. Nicknamed “The Bison” for both his size, aggressiveness, and raw style of play, Kemp is capable of a Rihanna ass-whooping that would make Chris Brown’s handiwork look like a scraped knee in comparison.

While the relationship is still in the honeymoon period, it is only a matter of time until the man MLB scouts call “the NFL’s loss” gets sick of Rihanna refusing to shut her man pleaser and uses her for a little late-night batting practice. Below are a few photos of the pre-Rihanna Matt Kemp moments of rage:

Kemp practices a chokehold guaranteed to “shut that bitch up”

Kemp throws a rage-filled right hook while “blacking out and seeing red,” testimony he will draw upon in open court six-months from now

Kemp works on his “What the f*ck?!” face when the jury convicts him of aggravated assault in court

Kemp practices being restrained after beating Rihanna within an inch of her life

Kemp goes into “Beast Mode” (as his T-shirt states) and practices “blasting that bitch with a bottle of champagne”