Congratulation to Gary Busey and his girlfriend Steffanie Sampson on their new arrival, Luke Sampson Busey. Based on these parenting tips from Gary, we know the kid is in good hands…

1. To avoid SIDS, always place your baby on its back when putting it to bed. To avoid AIDS, wrap your child in latex after each and every bowel movement.

2. Be sure to screen prospective babysitters by checking their credit, job history, and anal cavity.

3. When disciplining your baby, always remember to have the safety on, otherwise you might accidentally shoot it for real.

4. If you decide to put your baby up for adoption, don’t forget this important fact: the white ones fetch exponentially more at auction.

5. Breast feeding is recommended for the baby’s health, but it hurts dad’s nipples like hell.

6. Your baby is a gift from above, and like all gifts from above, we must remember to thank Needor, the all-knowing one, for his wrath is furious, his hand swift, and his anal probings uncomfortable.

7. Raising a baby is a challenge, but ultimately you’ll be rewarded with delicious toddler spleen.

8. When putting your baby to sleep, always use twice the amount of poison that you would use on a medium size dog.

9. Newborns love movement and bright colors, making LSD the ideal drug for your baby’s playtime.

10. Babies are a lot like Jews in the sense that they both love delicious smoked salmon.

11. If you choose to feed your baby breast milk, make sure to strain out unwanted pieces of breast.

12. When traveling, always make sure your baby moves in a line parallel to the earth’s gravitational field, regardless of the orientation of any particular street or the traffic moving on said conveyance. That way, your baby’s own magnetic signature will be hidden from the Evil Lord Krylor and his minions in the “United Nations.”

13. When you are in a pinch, an infant’s cartilage skeletal structure means it can be eaten whole, not unlike a soft shelled crab.

14. Though stuffing a regulation-sized football into your baby’s mouth while you repeatedly punch him in the face each night might make him cry now, he’ll thank you once the first of those monster, Busey-sized teeth starts poking out through his gums.

15. While it is socially accepted to refer to your child as “in the oven” when it is in the mother’s womb, after the birth it is frowned upon in the literal sense. Still, I have yet to find a better babysitter than my ol’ Lady Kenmore.

Less than one year after getting beat down by Chris Brown, Rihanna is dating again. Her choice? Somewhat curious considering it is a man who makes his living swinging a baseball bat – Dodgers slugger Matt Kemp.

Standing at 6’3, 230 pounds Kemp is equipped to throttle the obviously masochistic Rihanna in a way that she never imagined possible. Nicknamed “The Bison” for both his size, aggressiveness, and raw style of play, Kemp is capable of a Rihanna ass-whooping that would make Chris Brown’s handiwork look like a scraped knee in comparison.

While the relationship is still in the honeymoon period, it is only a matter of time until the man MLB scouts call “the NFL’s loss” gets sick of Rihanna refusing to shut her man pleaser and uses her for a little late-night batting practice. Below are a few photos of the pre-Rihanna Matt Kemp moments of rage:

Kemp practices a chokehold guaranteed to “shut that bitch up”

Kemp throws a rage-filled right hook while “blacking out and seeing red,” testimony he will draw upon in open court six-months from now

Kemp works on his “What the f*ck?!” face when the jury convicts him of aggravated assault in court

Kemp practices being restrained after beating Rihanna within an inch of her life

Kemp goes into “Beast Mode” (as his T-shirt states) and practices “blasting that bitch with a bottle of champagne”

In preparation for his upcoming divorce Tiger Woods has sought the help of the medical community to justify his adulterous actions. CelebJihad has obtained an official diagnosis that found Woods is a victim of “restless 3rd leg syndrome,” a disease commonly found in men over 30 that frequently travel and engage in contact with cocktail waitresses.

The official syndrome is described as a sleep disorder characterized by 3rd leg discomfort during sleep, which can only be relieved by finding a warm pocket of strange and banging away at it. Victims of this disorder are known to be so affected that they will risk a billion dollar empire in exchange for a five-minute romp with a skanky restaurant hostess.

Woods is expected to use this diagnosis in divorce court to prove that he was not at fault in the destruction of his marriage and blame his wife, Elin, for not supporting him in his battle with the disease.

NFL players have committed a lot of crimes since 2005’s NFL All-Criminal Team, so the roster is in need of an update. Some of the faces will stay the same, while others will need to be cut to make room for a whole new crop of fresh young thugs. So, without further ado, CelebJihad.com presents the 2009 NFL All-Criminal Team! Are you ready for some football…and homicide?

OFFENSE
	Michael Vick – QB: Move over Todd Marinovich. Step aside Art Schlichter. Civil cases don’t count Big Ben. There’s a new inmate in town and his name is Ron Mexi… er, Michael Vick. Who better to play QB on the criminal team than Vick? Not only is he a convicted felon, but his brother Marcus is racking up an unprecedented string of arrests that would make Ronnie Dobbs proud. Out of prison and back in the NFL, this Menace II (the Humane) Society is playing back up for Donovan McNabb. But on the All-Criminal Team, Vick is the unquestionable starter, presuming Tony Romo doesn’t murder Jessica Simpson before Week 17. Even if Romo does pull an O.J., something tells us that Vick has still killed more “bitches.”
	O.J. Simpson – RB: The Juice is an obvious choice, so we won’t spend much time with his legal qualifications for this team. Double-murder, here’s your jersey. More recently, in a case that even Detective Nordberg could have solved, O.J. got pinched for trying to steal back sports memorabilia in a Las Vegas hotel by breaking into a room and taking it at gunpoint. Now he’s doing a minimum of nine years, so he should have plenty of prison memorabilia to pedal when he gets out.
	Lawrence Phillips – RB: Arrested too many times to count, a washout in both the NFL and the CFL, Phillips has finally found a team that will take him. You see, young Lawrence, has “women problems.” He knows more about battery charges than the manufacturers of DieHard and the Energizer bunny combined. He’s beaten every girlfriend he ever had and once punched a woman in the face after she refused to dance with him at a Miami night club. While at Nebraska, in what may be his most famous carry, he was accused of breaking into his ex’s room, dragging her by the hair down three flights of stairs, and jacking her head against a mailbox. This also earns him a spot on the All-Caveman Team.
	Plaxico Burress – WR: Sometimes when you try to shoot yourself in the foot you miss and hit your thigh instead. That’s what Plaxico did, and for his crime he’ll be locked up 24 times longer than his manslaughtering counterpart, Donte Stallworth (that’s 2 years for the mathematically challenged among you). Luckily for Plax, the NFL All-Criminal team not only allows players to earn a roster spot while incarcerated, we encourage it. Way to go Plax!
	Donte Stallworth – WR: Some wide receivers kill defenses with their speed. Others kill pedestrians with their cars. Donte did both, so he makes the cut on this squad. His punishment for the crime? Thirty days in jail and a lifetime driver’s license suspension. The over/under on time until his next DUI: 3 years. We’re betting the under.
	Jerramy Stevens – TE: For whatever reason, tight ends in the NFL don’t commit a lot of crimes. However, one night in 2007, tight end Jerramy Stevens got pulled over and blew a .204 BAC. Then he posed for the above photo to prove that he blew a .204 BAC. He did 12 days, paid a small fine, did a one game suspension and went back to being a law abiding NFL tight end.
	Richard Collier – OL: Ordinarily, it takes a lot more than the usual DUI or girlfriend/spouse/baby mama abuse to make this roster. However, Collier sneaks onto the team not for his DUI, but for how he got it. He was found asleep behind the wheel at a McDonald’s drive-thru window. How wasted was he if he passed out before getting his food? I’m lovin’ it! What I’m not lovin’ is the fact that less than a year later he was shot 14 times and was paralyzed from the waist down, ending his NFL career. Still, he’ll always have a starting spot right here on the NFL All-Criminal Team.
	Cornell Green – OL: Green was arrested earlier this year for allegedly slamming the mother of his two kids against the wall and, here’s the kicker, hitting her with a mop handle. Slamming a baby mama against a wall is standard fare in the NFL, but add the mop handle beating and you know he must be a Raider.
	Nate Newton – OL: Newton was a shoe-in for this team when he got busted in Louisiana with 213 pounds of marijuana after being pulled over for a traffic violation (who breaks traffic laws with a van full of drugs?), but then he made a serious case to become a team captain six weeks later when, while out on bail, he got busted again. This time it was 175 pounds of marijuana in the trunk of his car. One thing’s for sure – when it’s fourth and long, we know ol’ Nate is down to ‘go for it’.
	Justin Strzelczyk – OL: Aside from only having one vowel in his last name (not counting “y”), Strzelczyk also had only one great defining moment. After a hit-and-run accident in New York, police chased his pickup 40 miles, during which Strzelczyk flipped off troopers and at one point threw a beer bottle at them. In the end, Strzelczyk crashed head on at 90 miles per hour into a tanker truck carrying corrosive acid, leaving an explosive scene police compared to an airplane crash. Strzelczyk didn’t make it out alive, but he did, literally, go down in a ‘blaze of glory’, and you gotta respect that. And for those concerned, the driver of the tanker escaped with only minor injuries.
	Barret Robbins – OL: Previously best known for disappearing the night before Oakland’s Super Bowl thrashing in 2003, Robbins trumped that the following year by attacking three police officers who, being armed, shot him twice in the chest. Police reports indicate that even after being shot Robbins continued to attack the officers, which is just the kind of spunk we need on this team. Facing three counts of attempted murder of a police officer, he took a plea bargain. Since then he’s been in and out of jail and rehab, but we feel this team will give him the structure he so desperately needs.
DEFENSE
	Ray Lewis – LB: Following a Super Bowl party in 2000, Lewis was arrested on two counts of first-degree murder. The charges were later dropped, and Lewis plead guilty to a misdemeanor charge of obstruction of justice. Despite this, Lewis did pay out undisclosed amounts to relatives of the victims, which is not something that innocent people tend to do. His image has recovered quite a bit since the incident, but he can’t fool us. Welcome aboard, Ray-Ray.
	Lawrence Taylor – LB: L.T. went from cracking heads to crack head in record time. In his now infamous “60 Minutes” interview, Taylor claimed to have spent thousands of dollars a day on narcotics and to have hired prostitutes to go to opponents’ hotel rooms the night before games. He’s had numerous drug related arrests along with a tax evasion charge. Regarding his lifestyle in the late 1990s, Taylor described his home as “like a crack house.” Our kind of player.
	Bill Romanowski – LB: Romanowski was indicted by a grand jury in 2000 for allegedly obtaining phentermine, a diet drug with stimulant properties, under false pretenses. He was later acquitted but he is currently linked to the BALCO steroid scandal. He broke the orbital bone of teammate Marcus Williams in practice and effectively ended his career. He’s been fined for numerous violent on-field incidents and spat in the face of wide receiver J.J. Stokes on Monday Night Football. And while it’s not illegal, he’s a total racist.
	Alonzo Spellman – DL: Spellman is the only member of this team to have been charged with terrorizing passengers on a commercial flight and forcing an emergency landing. According to investigators, once on the ground Spellman told the pilot “I am about to rip your throat out.” Add to the mix weapons charges, a standoff with police from inside his publicist’s home and the usual DUI and failure to appear charges, and you’ve got a starting D-lineman.
	Darrell Russell – DL: A repeat offender of the NFL’s substance abuse policy, Russell actually broke it so many times that he ended up out of football. His weakness? Ecstasy. Perhaps that’s what drove Russell to be charged with 25 felonies as an accomplice stemming from the videotaped rape of a woman by two of his friends. Prosecutors charged that he was the one behind the camera, but later dropped charges due to concern they would not win a jury conviction. Finally, Russell’s substance abuse drove him and a former USC teammate into a fire hydrant and a parked bus ending his run on this earth, but cementing his place on this team for all eternity.
	Terry “Tank” Johnson- DE: When your Wikipedia page has a section titled “Legal Troubles,” and it makes up over 75% of the content on your page (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tank_Johnson) you can bet that you’ll have a spot on this roster. Basically, Tank likes guns…a lot. And he hates to register them. But he likes leaving them loaded in homes with children present. He also likes confronting officers of the law, driving while impaired and hiring bodyguards that get murdered. For all of those reasons, Tank makes the cut!
	Leonard Little – DE: Ol’ Leonard Little turned 24, worked up a .19 BAC (coincidentally on October 19th) and drove his Lincoln Navigator 100 yards right through a red light and into the car of Susan Gutweiler, mother of two. He did 90 days in jail and took an eight game suspension, then went on with his life (unlike Gutweiler). Did he at least learn his lesson? Nope. In 2004 he got busted again for drunk driving, failing no less than three roadside sobriety tests. However, he somehow beat the rap and was only convicted of a misdemeanor speeding charge. Our kind of player.
	Gene Atkins – S: Gene was arrested for firebombing a former business associate but was later acquitted. Most recently he barricaded himself in his house after his wife called police claiming he had shoved her against a wall, choked her, bit her and then beat her with a remote control. Then, when told by police that he was under arrest, Atkins replied, “No I’m not” and punched the officer in the throat, then pushed him outside the home. Surprisingly the police didn’t agree, re-entered the home, found Atkins holding four knives, and summarily dropped him with a ‘hot shot’ from a Taser gun.
	Eugene Robinson – S: On the eve of the Super Bowl and a mere twelve hours after receiving the Bart Starr Award from Athletes in Action, an award honoring high moral character, Robinson was busted for offering an undercover Miami policewoman $40 for oral sex. While his record is otherwise spotless, the sheer publicity this arrest generated warrants a starting spot in our secondary. Plus he’s the only guy that God will allow to do the team prayer.
	Adam “Pacman” Jones – CB: The question isn’t what has Pacman done to make it on this team, the question is what hasn’t he done to make the squad? When he goes out to strip clubs (or as he illiterately calls them, “script clubs”) strippers get their heads slammed into the stage and bystanders tend to get murdered. When he drives, he makes sure to be wasted and super high so that when he exceeds the speed limit he knows it won’t be by just a little bit. He has embarrassed himself as a wrestler and a rapper, and has shown no indication of altering his decision making any time soon. We can’t wait to see what the future, as short as it may be, brings for our All-Star Criminal cornerback!
	Corey Fuller – CB: One of the few players on this team not arrested for fighting outside a bar, beating, raping or killing a woman or any sort of narcotics charge, Fuller seems out of place on this team. He was however charged with hosting high-stakes card games at his house, which was also the site of a shootout. In that event, an assailant attempted to rob the card game and a shootout ensued in which approximately 20 rounds were fired between Fuller and the man. Although only feelings were hurt in the end, that’s still some Wild West shit. It definitely earns Fuller a spot at cornerback.
SPECIAL TEAMS
	Todd Sauerbrun – P: Punters are not exactly known to be the criminal type, but with a DUI to his name, Sauerbrun stands out as the most rebellious of the bunch. And to top it all off, he was also charged with driving with a revoked license, proving this punter is bad to the bone. In a hilarious aside, he has a running feud with the Gramatica family. Martin, Bill and even baby brother Santiago are all players he refuses to share a uniform with. No worries, Todd, unless one of them holds up a Dairy Queen, it’ll be just you and Jeff Reed.
	Jeff Reed – K: Reed was cited for criminal mischief and disorderly conduct after throwing a temper tantrum in a convenience store restroom. His crime? He damaged a towel dispenser after finding it empty. Seriously. Then, as if he hadn’t done enough to reaffirm the stereotype that all kickers are pussies, he plead guilty and paid a fine. You gotta fight that shit, man!
THE WARDEN
	Jimmy Johnson – Coach: Seeing as how he’s already coached half this team, he’s the obvious choice for the job. Whether you’re looking at his days at the University of Miami or with the Dallas Cowboys, this guy has never met a criminal he wouldn’t put in the starting lineup. While he has never been charged with a crime, he has been known to associate with individuals that could best be described as unsavory.

CelebJihad recently caught up with Lindsay Lohan at our favorite celebrity hotspot, the local bus station. We arrived to find Lohan strewn casually across a concrete bench rubbing a powder covered credit card that expired three years ago across her gums. After briefly startling her, we were greeted energetically by the starlet as she stared right through us with her movie star gaze. From there we jumped right in and captured a very candid, honest interview with the star.

Due to the fact that she nodded off several times during our interview there are some portions that may seem incomplete, but who are we to question her ways. These Hollywood A-listers have methods that we mortals cannot possibly understand. Only Allah knows for sure.

CJ: How are you Lindsay?
Lohan: My cunt hurts and I’m not sure where I am, but other than that I’m fine.

CJ: Interesting. It seems you’ve begun the process of getting your life back together. Tell us, did you find Allah?
Lohan: Was that his name? I just blew some Mideast guy in the men’s room, so I guess I did. I think he got on a bus to Modesto already.

CJ: That’s fantastic. Tell us, what’s your secret?
Lohan: Well, even my shrink doesn’t know this, but my dad and uncle double-teamed me when I was eleven.

CJ: How precious. So tell us, what’s next for Lindsay Lohan?
Lohan: I think I filmed some bullshit movie a while back. It might be out by now. Or maybe not. I don’t fucking know. Who the fuck are you anyway? Why am I talking to you?

CJ: Wonderful! Now our readers are just dying to know, do you miss Fez?
Lohan: Who the fuck is Fez? Jesus… (she briefly drifted off to sleep, then suddenly jumped in our face) Hey, by the way, you guys got any snow? I need it in a bad way. Serious. I’ll do anything you want.

CJ: Swear that Mohammad is the only true prophet and that there is no god but Allah.
Lohan: I swear that Mahatma is only for profit and there is no good in Allah.

CJ: Infidel! We must now behead you!
Lohan: That’s what I was getting at. Now who should I blow first? I blow for blow. Get it?

CJ: No, not head. Behead! We must cut your head off!
Lohan: Jesus, you guys are assholes. I’m done with this shit.

CJ: Fantastic. Well Lindsay, we’d like to thank you for your time. Sorry about that whole beheading outburst. We’re sorta required to do it. Nothing personal.
Lohan: Whatever. Now I’m gonna go see if I can catch that cat over there. I’m fucking hungry.

Now that Palin’s out as governor of Alaska the media focus has shifted to what she’s going to do next. Since we know Palin is an avid reader of CelebJihad, we have kindly decided to offer her five suggestions we feel would be in her best interests (and ours).

Waitress at Applebee’s
What better place to use your down-home folksy charm to squeeze a few extra bucks out of undersexed middle-aged men? Well, other than Dennis Hof’s BunnyRanch. But hooker jokes aside, if you don’t want David Letterman making fun of your morally loose daughters on late-night TV anymore, head down to your neighborhood Applebee’s and let speeded-out truck drivers do it instead.

Ambassador to North Korea
This works for several reasons. First of all, our nation doesn’t have one so there’s an opening (and it would create a job for our economy). Second, while the North Koreans think Hillary Clinton is a “funny lady” who looks like “a pensioner going shopping” even they would have to admit that Palin is a hottie and her campaign shopping bill proves that she shops at levels exponentially higher than a pensioner. So what’s the rub? Well, they also said Hillary is “by no means intelligent.” If that’s the case then they would probably rate Palin somewhere between a vegetable on life support and Paris Hilton (which, for the record, is an incredibly tight window of brain activity levels).

Broadway Actress
What would be better than a Broadway adaptation of Fargo? A Broadway adaptation of Fargo featuring Sarah Palin as Police Chief Marge Gunderson. Think about it. She’s already got the folksy accent and small town attitude. She could even get knocked up again for the part. And who wouldn’t want to hear Palin deliver the famous line, “Oh, I just think I’m gonna barf.” It would remind us all of the moment we heard she was selected as McCain’s running mate.

Director Biotech Life Sciences Sales, Mumbai India
She doesn’t like the direction this country is going? Well Sarah, you’re a ‘love it or leave it’ type, right? Here’s your chance to leave it. Sure, you’re massively under-qualified, but you’ve got an ‘it’ factor. You’ve got pizzazz. Give it a shot. Will we miss you? You betcha. But only for the easy jokes at your expense.

Presidential Candidate, 2012
African-Americans were delighted to see a black man soundly defeat and old white man in 2008, but that would be nothing compared to seeing it happen to a foxy white woman. Years ago this was a revenge fantasy only fulfilled in the world of pornography, but should the stars align, it could be a mere three years away. Keep the faith, my brothas!

Celeb Jihad has exclusive interviews with staff workers at Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch. These are the real people who saw the real Michael Jackson up close and, often times, way too personal. You won’t get these on CNN, FOX or even TMZ. Why? Because they didn’t think to send a meth head to work undercover as a “child wrangler” at Neverland ranch. Now that’s investigative journalism.

	“Mr Jackson had me order $15,000 in Plantain trees, and plant them throughout the property. He said he wanted those “sweet tiny bananas that fit in my mouth.” Michael was surprisingly agile. He would scamper up those trees like a little spider monkey to suckle on those plantains. He usually would not even wait for them to ripen.” Emmanuel Scott, Neverland’s Grounds Keeper
	“Mr. Michael do some loco things. Sometime he come in my chamber and tell me I boy named Magnus. I say ‘No Mr. Michael, I Isabel!’ and he say to shut up and earn pay. Those nights muy malo. I no sleep good after that.” Isabel Urenda, Neverland Maid, Guest House #2
	“Man, that cat was a crazy mutha. One time I caught him tea-baggin’ a copy of Tiger Beat when he thought no one was around. Who tea-bags a magazine anyway? Sheeyit.” LaMont Johnson, Neverland Porcelin Detail Specialist
	“The media keeps talking about how much he spent a month on prescription drugs, but that was nothing when compared to some of his other monthly expenses. For instance, he spent $12,200 a month training male koalas to rape light-skinned mannequins. He also paid a homeless man $24,500 a month to act as a scout for new runaways on the Hollywood area. These are only a few of the odder activities I was aware of.” Winston Jefferson III, Neverland Bookkeeper
	“One time I saw him take a magazine photo of Lisa Marie Presley into the yard, pull down his pants and take a poo-poo on it. Then he calmly picked it up, folded it in half and shoved it down the front of a butler’s pants. The weird thing about that story is that it doesn’t even crack the top ten list of craziest shit I seen him do.” Deshawn Hess, Neverland Dishwasher
	“He used to dry hump llamas a lot. The llamas didn’t seem to like it much, but Mike sure did.” Carlton Throop, Neverland Rollercoaster Repairman
	“I was somewhat disturbed that the face on the waxwork figure of Elizabeth Taylor in Michael’s bedroom had to be regularly refurbished due to apparent melt marks. That and the accompanying stench of urine…” Enrico Castellano, Neverland Collectible Thimble Curator.
	“I remember on one occasion myself and one of the maids returned unexpectedly early from a night at the movies. We were horrified to see McCauley Culkin running across the lobby towards us, stark naked, with Michael in hot pursuit. It was only when he got closer that we realized that Michael had shaved Bubbles again! Oh how we laughed!” Consuela Guerra, Neverland Napkin Co-ordinator (breakfasts and brunches)
	“The oddest thing I ever saw him do was make Macaulay Culkin tear off both ends of a Pixie Stick, pour it onto a mirror and snort it through the straw. But that wasn’t the weird part. After that he shoved and entire king-size box of Ju Ju Bees up his own ass and then they rode Pirates of the Carribean to trip out on their ’sugar high.’” Walter MacKenzie, Private Movieroom Concession Vendor
	“One time I thought I walked in on him having sex with a woman, but then I realized it was just the fat kid from Two and a Half Men.” Cecil Higgins, Night Shift Private Investigator
	“Every Friday it was my job to blow bubbles. Also, on Tuesdays I would perform oral sex on his pet chimp, whose name I cannot recall at this time.” Mike Luguna – Head of Bubble Blowing Operations and Chimp Fellatio Management
	“It was my job to make sure that the Never Land bathrooms were stocked with enough feminine care products to accommodate the female guests. I stopped going to work in 1997, but he never noticed. He still sends me a check twice a month.” Margret Joiner -Feminine-Care Product Coordinator