In a moving display of maternal support Cher has donated the preserved penis of ex-husband Sonny Bono to daughter / son (whatever!) Chastity, to be used in her upcoming female to male sexual reassignment surgery.
At a press conference in Los Angeles this morning Cher revealed “After the skiing accident I had Sonny’s remains preserved in cryo-freeze, in the hope that someday medical science would come up with a cure for being mashed to a bloody, mangled pulp after impacting a tree at 80 mph. But when I think of Chastity’s upcoming surgery, I cringe at the thought of just any old schlong being grafted on to my precious little he / she.”
“I initially had great difficulty in accepting Chastity’s coming out and wasn’t really there for her like a mother should have been, but at this enormously difficult time in her life I will be with her every step of the way. I think it will be a great comfort for her to know when they put her under, that her daddy’s wiener will be waiting for her when she wakes up.”
“It’s a beautiful thing really. All three of us will be reunited as a family in a way we never could have dreamed possible a few years ago.”
Fans still reeling from the shocking events of last Thursday have been shaken by the news that a second plane has just hit Michael Jackson.
The aircraft, an American Airlines Boeing 737 struck the LA County Coroner’s vehicle carrying the body of the deceased superstar, en route to the Jackson family home. First reports suggest that the plane, AA Flight 83 bound for Las Vegas, Nevada, lost contact with ground control within seconds of leaving LAX at 4.28pm.
The only subsequent communication received, seconds before the impact, was of an hysterical male voice screaming “Glory to the name of Allah! Revenge on the infidel Jackson for the blasphemy that was ‘Invincible”! Get my 72 virgins ready – I’m gonna get my freak on!”
On hearing of the latest tragedy, hysterical Jackson fans encamped at the singer’s Neverland Ranch were shocked once again into spouting inane cliches and platitudes. “This is the day the music died again, just like it died last Thursday, only it wasn’t really totally dead then, but it sure is now. But it will live on as long as it is not dead.” sobbed Lavisha Washington of Butte, Montana who has been keeping vigil at the gates of Neverland since 1992, just in case Michael died suddenly.
Shortly after news of the incident broke, Jackson’s father Joe paused from thrashing daughters Janet and LaToya to release this statement; “I ain’t surprised. That’s what that boy gets for playin’ glove puppets with those little white children.” A visibly moved Jackson then added “My record label is releasing videotapes using Blu Ray technology, or somethin’. I also have a website kinda thang.”
