Remember when you were bad and your parents would send you to your room? Well, today, it was announced that the cast of Jersey Shore has been so bad they’re good (Or something to that effect).
Anyway, MTV is sending them to Italy, and, on behalf of America, I would like to offer MTV our sincerest gratitude. Of course, nothing this good will last forever, unless they get involved in the most delightful Vespa accident of all time, but still their temporary deportation is a start.
It’s safe to say that this cast has done more to set back the progress Italian-Americans have made than even The Sopranos did, so it should be interesting to see how eager Italy is to embrace these hair-gelled gorillas and gorillettes.
I’m not sure if “Jersey Shore” will translate over there, so for the Italian audiences, they’ll probably have to go with a name that is more familiar. “Orange American Assholes” should sum up the show nicely for the uninitiated abroad.
Only in a place as disgusting as Hollywood could a married couple having a baby still offend Allah.
Nicole Kidman and her husband Keith Urban have announced that they’re the “proud” new parents of a baby girl named Faith Margret. This all seems well and good, until you dig a little deeper and discover that the child was conceived by harnessing the evil power of science!
It seems the demonic child was born using a “surrogate,” who I assume was a healthy young Muslim girl abducted from her home by Mossad and forced to work as a breeder for the Hollywood elite. This disgusting process is becoming all to common, as once fertile actresses like Kidman pass their prime and become barren. Rather than spend their final years grinding wheat or weaving rugs as Allah intended, these women defy the natural order with the use of their evil Jew super science.
If the couple has any decency, they will at least raise the child to join the al-Aqsa Martyrs’ Brigade. But I suppose that’s too much to ask from a bunch of spoiled infidel celebrities.
Demonstrating that she is an actual human being capable of gaining and losing weight over the course of her lifetime, Love Hewitt and the rest of America are breathing easy knowing that she is, in fact, hot again.
It’s estimated that her current hotness level has actually matched her all-time high (1996 during the “Party of Five” years). This accomplishment is made all the more impressive when viewed in the context of her horrible un-hotness three years ago when she was photographed with cellulite.
Jennifer credits her dramatic turnaround to being a girl with tons of money that can afford lots of plastic surgery, nice clothes, healthy food, and personal trainers. Also, she may or may not have a hotter twin sister that she gets to fill in for her sometimes, a la “The Prestige.” (Retroactive spoiler alert!)
While rumors about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s martial troubles continue to persist, CelebJihad has obtained this exclusive photo of Angelina Jolie visiting with her former lesbian lover.
In the pictures above, model Jenny Shimizu, who claims to be Angelina’s former girlfriend, is shown on the left. On the right, we see a photograph that was snapped just hours ago showing Jenny and Angelina attempting to avoid the press as they walk hand-in-hand through the streets of Budapest. Jolie, who is in Hungary directing a film, is reportedly overjoyed at the presence of her sexy Asian mistress, a fact that is sure to send Brad reeling! Does this photo mark the end of Bradgelina and the start of Angemizu? Only time will tell!
Just look at these disturbing photos of Miley Cyrus. It doesn’t take a doctor to tell that the girl is not well. But as loyal readers know, I myself spent over three months at the Riyadh College of Dentistry, so I have a keen medical eye. Based on my professional opinion, Allah has given Miley Cholera as punishment for dressing like a whore.
Aside from the pale skin and glazed-over eyes seen in this photo, Miley is most likely suffering from severe abdominal pain and profuse bouts of diarrhea. In fact, it would not surprise me if Miley was hunched over on a toilet right now, defecating a liquid sludge from her bowls as a sign of Allah’s wise and just punishments.
Praise be his name! Allah most merciful has taken a disease once confined to the third world and used it to strike fear into the heart of Zionist controlled Hollywood. I used to wonder why he allowed 8 of my 14 brothers and sisters to die from the Cholera, but now I see it was all part of the plan! Allahu Akbar!
Just look at the promiscuous whore, Britney Spears, showing off her spine for the whole world to see. Last I checked, Britney had two children, yet here she sits, brandishing her back like some filthy Kurdish kum dumpster, as if to say “your arms are not powerful enough to hit me with a stone, righteous sons of Islam. Do your worst!”
What’s even more insulting is the poor quality of her spine. Years of hauling baskets of wool and figs to the bazaar have taken their toll, yet she continues to show off her physique like she still has the spine of a 13-year-old boy! Trust me, Britney. I know 13-year-old boys, I am a friend to 13-year-old boys. You ma’am, are no 13-year old boy.
I can’t get over these disgusting pictures of Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene committing acts of public lewdness. I know Western celebrities have no shame, but even I am shocked by this open display of near-fornication.
Just look at the way Joe is holding Ashley’s hand in his own. He might as well be holding her vagina with his penis. Why passersby are not hurling stones at the promiscuous couple is beyond me, but I can only assume it is because they fear retribution from Jonas’ powerful Zionist overlords. It’s a sad day in America when two young people can walk down the street hand-in-hand without meeting a bloody death at the hands of a righteous mob.