• Ladies, having standards is important, but make sure they aren’t too high. Remember, the “perfect man” is just a fairytale, like Bigfoot or HIV.
• Guys, nothing kills a date faster than bad manners. Not offering your date a Valtrex isn’t just thoughtless, it’s downright rude.
• Speaking of bad manners, if you don’t open doors for me, I don’t open my legs for you…unless you have money. Then it doesn’t really matter.
• Guys, if you’re at dinner and the waiter starts to flirt with your date, calmly stand up, smash a wine glass on the table, hold the shards of glass to his neck and demand that he respect you. Anything less and your girl will think you’re a pussy.
• If you smell raw fish and we’re not at a sushi restaurant, DON’T comment on it.
• Ok guys, you’ve already paid for an expensive meal. Now it’s time to go the extra mile. Offer to hold back your date’s hair as she regurgitates her food it in the parking lot. Extra points if you have a mint waiting!
• Ladies, he’s there to make you feel special, so don’t be afraid to order a side of “balls in your mouth” at dinner.
• Remember, you can’t buy your way into a girl’s bedroom. Try using coke.
• Guys, when you’re on your first date and the girl starts blowing you, don’t push down on her head. That’s way too forward and could make her gag and vomit on your cock before she’s ready too.
• No condom, no problem! Remember girls; no one ever had a butt baby.
• Ladies, isn’t it annoying when you’re on a date with a guy and he asks you where he should “finish”. He knows we’re just going to scoop it up and eat it regardless of where it lands, so why does he ask?
• Exploring bi-sexuality is a great way to broaden your horizons. It’s also a great way to say “fuck you” to your dad for not buying you that pony you wanted when you were nine.
• Don’t assume that just because a girl is bisexual she wants to make out with your gal pals…unless your gal pals wear cherry chapstick and have tight labias. Then you can assume whatever you like.
• If you do find yourself attracted to someone of the same sex, don’t be ashamed. Curiosity is perfectly natural, just like fisting or being raped by your uncle.
• My biggest rule for any date is to be yourself…unless of course it’s “sweeps week” and Mort from Viacom’s marketing tells you to be more of a whore. Trust me, he might look out of touch, but that heeb knows how to pull in the 18-to 25-year-old demographic.
• Remember, you can take the girl out of the third-world prostitution ring, but you can’t take the third-world prostitution ring out of the girl.

Special thanks to all of the CelebJihad.com writers.

The latest CelebJihad.com presidential tracking poll shows Illinois Senator Barrack Obama’s poll numbers dipping slightly over the weekend, with Arizona Senator John McCain gaining .00000000000000000000002%.

In unrelated news, a recent poll shows that the Church of Scientology has seen a 25% decline among African-Americans.

Special thanks to Joe S. and John P. for help with this report.

Special thanks to Jon Mitchell.

Speaking to supporters gathered in front of the Nigerien Embassy in Washington D.C., Sharpton called the county’s name “outdated and hurtful” and said that it was only one ‘g’ away from “total offensitude-ness.”

“For far too long schoolchildren studying geography have pointed to this county on maps and globes and giggled about it with their friends,” said Sharpton. “Well, I know what they’re giggling about, and the giggling must end.”

Although the nation of Niger is almost exclusively inhabited by Africans, Sharpton says that they too must refrain from using words that are only one letter away from being a racial epithet.

“If we expect other countries to refrain from using words that look and sound like offensive words, then we have to lead by example,” Sharpton said.

The rally was the first stop on Sharpton’s six-city tour aimed at building support for his new coalition, SOAC (Stop Offensive and Abusive Country names through personal responsibility). The group’s mission is to build the self-esteem of African nations by stressing positive aspects of African-American history. Members include will.i.am of the Black-Eyed Pees and Lethal Weapon star Danny Glover.

“What kind of country goes around referring to itself as Niger?” Glover said. “I’ll tell you what kind; a country that doesn’t know its history, a country that doesn’t know its roots. These people have never heard of Rosa Parks. They don’t even have an African-American History month! Well, this boycott is going to change all that.”

It is unclear what affect the boycott will have. Currently the Unites States has little or no trade relations with Niger. However, in 2007 Americans traveling to Niger spent a combined total of $3477 dollars, just over half of the country’s gross national product.

Although Nigerien officials have yet to respond to Sharpton’s demands, the Reverend remains hopeful that an agreement can be reached.

“They can name it whatever they want,” Sharpton said. “But I suggest ‘the N-Country’, Sharptanistan, or Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard: the Country.”

“Here I stand, the son of a Kenyan goat herder, before you, the sons and daughters of those who perpetuated one of the worst acts of genocide in the history of mankind,” Obama said to the mesmerized crowd.

“And I bring to you a simple, easily chant-able, slogan; yes we can!”

Upon hearing the slogan, the transfixed crowd immediately began repeating it unison until Obama signaled for quiet with his outstretched right hand.

In his 30-minute address, Obama did not overtly criticize President George W. Bush or his presumptive Republican opponent, Senator John McCain, but he did offer a gentle dose of criticism of his own nation.

“I know my country has not perfected itself,” said Obama, who apparently forgot that he was addressing Germans, the people responsible for World War I (20 Million dead), World War II (72 Million dead), and the band Rammstein.

“We’ve made our share of mistakes, and there are times when our actions around the world have not lived up to our best intentions,” added Obama, who somehow managed to keep a straight face while pandering to the Jew-hating Kraut bastards.

Despite jams at the entrances and poor reception at the back of the crowd, most of the fascist offspring appeared to be highly impressed with Obama.

“He’s cosmopolitan, not only American,” said Bruna Hoffman, a student of international relations from Berlin whose grandfather served in the Waffen S.S. and personally shot 53 men, women and children while occupying Distomo, Greece, in June of 1944. “He’s a world citizen.”

After the speech, as night fell on the capital, the crowd, armed with lit torches supplied by Obama’s field staff, goose stepped with clocklike precision to Obama’s hotel. Once in place, the crowd used their torches to spelled out “ja, wir können” as a stone-faced Obama looked on from his balcony.

Manfred Straus, 65, who drove all the way from Austria to attend the rally, said the event brought back memories of the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.’s quieter visit to East Berlin in 1964, when he was a student.

“I thought, here is someone coming from the same place,” he said.

Added Straus, “Well, I’d better get going since I keep my daughter hidden in a secret dungeon beneath my garage, and I want to get back in time to rape her before my wife gets home from work.”

Obama travels to France on Friday.

Kardashian, best known for her role on the reality television show Keeping up with the Kardashians, was taken into custody by Los Angels County Police on Tuessday after officers allegedly observed her chasing a small object that was on fire at the intersection of Florence and Normandie avenues. When police got closer, they noticed Kardashian running after the animal and pouring gasoline on it, said Christopher Malarkey, a spokesman for the Los Angeles County state’s attorney’s office.

The animal was euthanized a short time later, Malarkey said.

Kardashian was charged with one count of animal torture. She faces 2 to 5 years in prison if convicted.

• Guttenberg refers to himself as “the Goot” and often says “the Goot is loose”
• He’s nailed a lot of women
• He’s writing an autobiography tentative titled Diary of a Seducer
• Lately he’s heard a lot of people ask, ‘Is Steve Guttenberg really that nice?’
• A couple years ago he got in a big fight with his mom
• A good gay rumor about him might not be a bad thing

…and so much more!

Trust us, we are not kicking a man when he’s down. This interview makes us long for the return of Mahoney in Police Academy 16: Back to Baghdad! Just read the fucking thing.

A source tells CelebJiahd.com that Berra, 83, has made numerous solo nighttime visits to Madonna, 49, at her spacious home and would sneak out “as late as 8:00 pm.” Says the source, “All the doormen are talking.”

Berra attended Madonna’s April 30 NYC concert; the singer sat in his seats during a recent earlier-bird prime rib dinner at a New Jersey Elks Lodge.

When questioned about the affair, Yogi did not shy away from reporters, but insted responded with a few of his trademarked Yogiisms.

When asked by CelebJihad if it was hard for an 83-year-old man to maintain an erection with a haggard 49-year-old whore, Yogi replied, “Ninety percent of this game is half mental.”

Added Berra, “It ain’t over ‘till it’s all over her face.”

Berra was also candid when it came to dishing out details of the affair. According to Berra, while the two were recently making love, Madonna commented, “I think you‘re in the wrong hole,” to which Yogi wittily retorted, “Yeah, but I’m making great time,” followed by, “now shut up you ugly shrew; I pay you cash for this, which is just as good as money.”

Madonna’s rep, Liz Rosenberg, was not available for comment.

It’s Gay Pride Week, or at least that’s what my dad told me. In honor of this momentous occasion the boys at CelebJihad have gone a little gay and compiled the following list of what celebrity dick tastes like!

	Mike Myers’ dick tastes like it’s been fucking the same dead horse since 1997.
	Pete Wentz’s dick tastes like it wishes it was Tony Romo’s dick.
	Tony Romo’s dick tastes like Joe Simpson’s breath mints.
	Guy Richie’s dick tastes like buyer’s remorse and dusty sardines.
	Bill Engvall’s dick tasted so mind-numbing trite that I would’ve gladly taken it out of my mouth and replaced it with a loaded shotgun.
	Tom Cruise’s dick will taste like my ass if his lawyers find out I’ve implied it tastes like anything other than his beautiful wife’s vagina.
	Randy Jackson’s dick tastes like flop sweat and bacon.
	George Carlin’s dick tastes like 3 of the 7 words you can’t use on television…and formaldehyde.
	I thought that Alan Greenspan’s dick tasted like pickled herring, but it may have been Barbara Walters.
	R. Kelly’s dick tastes like our judicial system’s torn and bloodied asshole…and piss-covered Thin Mints.
	J. Alexander’s dick…I’m not even going to bother with a joke. Just fucking look at him, for fuck’s sake. What the fuck, man? What the fuck?
	Bill Clinton’s dick tastes like a bitter, angry cunt. Just kidding! It hasn’t tasted like that since the night Chelsea was conceived. These days it tastes like various hotel maids and a certain Laker Girl who’d better know how to keep her mouth shut.
	Barrack Obama’s dick tastes completely overrated, but at least he has one (ZING!)! Besides, it was a nice change of pace from having George Bush’s dick in my ass.
	The Dalai Lama’s dick tastes like it’s been in some sort of gerbil nest.
	Chris Hanson’s dick tastes like cookies and lemonade.
	Big Brown’s dick tastes like it’s been in an ass. GET IT?!
	Perez Hilton’s dick tastes like it’s been in an ass. GET IT?!
	Charlton Heston’s dick tastes like his cold, dead hand.

Not a gay dude? Don’t feel left out! Lesbians can check out our Pulitzer-Prize winning article on celebrity vagina. Bisexual? Read both. Transgender? Go fuck yourself (ZING!)!