As if not enough people in America hated him already, Spencer Pratt has decided to legally change his name to King Spencer Pratt.
He told Us Magazine, “I’ve decided since there is a Queen of England and a Prince William that there should be a king of America. I nominate myself for that role.”
He also recently called his douchetastic wife Heidi Montag “the new, modern-day, 2010 Michael Jackson,” on The Hills: The After Show. “Michael Jackson’s in heaven,” he explained. “The Holy Spirit now has extra Michael Jackson juice, so boom! For all we know, Heidi gets possessed with some of that Michael Jackson divine spirit.”
It’s been reported that Kevin Federline is getting $5,000 a week from Britney to bring her kids on tour with her. He’s also the newest pseudo-celebrity to get his own reality TV show, which is undoubtedly a well-paying gig too (though producers were upset to find out the name “The Biggest Loser” was already in use). Based on these pictures, I’m gonna go ahead and suggest that a good chunk of those paychecks are going to the good people at Entenmann’s.
K. Fed’s supposedly gained 85 pounds since his 2006 divorce to Britney. He used to weigh in at just 150 but the National Enquirer claims he now weights 235. He’s so big that Britney’s now insisted that “he go on a diet and stop showing their kids it’s OK to be fat and sloppy.” She’s nicknamed him Kevin Fatterline and teases him, asking, “When’s the baby due?” and calling him “a fat housewife.”
The Kardashians haven’t been doing too hot lately. Kim and Reggie Bush just broke up, Kourtney’s pregnant, and now Khloe’s been caught with cocaine in her purse by her sisters.
No worries though, Khloe will still be around to be her older sister Kim’s beard. She claims that the drugs aren’t hers, and that she’s “not someone who needs to do drugs.”
Khloe told Life & Style magazine that “my employee was picking up a pile of clothes that customers had tried on, and [the cocaine] fell out. She called me into the dressing room, and it was in a little glass vial. I was leaving the dressing room, and a lot of customers walked in. I didn’t know what to do, so I threw it in my purse. I was like, ‘I’ll dispose of this in a second,’ and I went to help them. Then I forgot about it.”
I believe Khloe’s story. Everyone knows coke makes you thin and pretty, so Khloe definitely does not do coke. She probably thought it was powdered sugar, and was planning on putting it on the next unsuspecting villager she clubs and eats for crossing her bridge.
Ali Lohan is best known for being Lindsay Lohan’s little sister and starring on E!’s “Living Lohan” with her trailer trash mom Dina Lohan. That is to say, no one really knows or cares about her.
But hang on, little sister? Apparently, this chick is 15. Okay, is it just me or does she look like a 40-year-old soccer mom? And what is this workshirt tucked into high-waisted shorts? Is she trying to steal Samantha from Lindsay with her lesbian chic look?
Joaquin Phoenix is now a superhero… or just a bearded hobo in a cape. Just in case you were just wondering what Joaquin Phoenix has been up to lately. The National Enquirer writes,
“It’s no hoax, folks – Joaquin Phoenix is one nutty fruitcake! The looney-toony star, dressed like a homeless derelict and muttering to himself nonstop, was spotted pawing through racks of clothes at Red Balls on Melrose, where he finally grabbed a black velvet cape, black trousers and mesh top, ducked into a dressing room – and began belting rap songs.
Emerging in his new outfit, he told the salesgirl he’d be wearing it home. Nervous, she asked: ‘What form of payment will you be using today, sir?’… then nearly jumped out of her skin when Phoenix banged down a wad of cash and yelled: ‘MONEY!’ Said an eyewitness: ‘He mumbled madly while the girl counted out his change and offered him a bag for his own clothes. Joaquin never said a word, rushed out of the store wearing his velvet cape – and dumped his old clothes in the nearest trash can!’”
I’m calling bullshit on this one though. The fact that his brother-in-law Casey Affleck has been taping his every move for a documentary makes it pretty clear that this is all just an act.
And I don’t know about you, but I know I always rap to myself while changing into mesh.
Yes, this is exactly what it sounds like. Socialite Peaches Geldof nodded off while being interviewed by some English TV host named Fearne Cotton for an upcoming celebrity TV show.
Just in case you don’t know who this Peaches chick is, I’ll make myself useful and tell you. Officially, she’s a British socialite, model, and reality TV host. Unofficially, she’s pretty much the UK’s version of Paris Hilton with more drugs, unnecessary tattoos, and Scientology: a waste of space, white trash with money, all that good stuff.
Oh but don’t worry, you guys. Peaches must have just gotten confused. The interview took place in the back of a taxi so Peaches’ drug-addled brain probably just assumed it was time to close her eyes and spread those legs.
Apparently, being a drugged up fame whore can get tiring sometimes. Mischa Barton will attest to that. But seriously, how much can you really expect from someone conceived by two hippies who decided it was okay to give her the obnoxiously long full name of Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa Geldof?
Megan Fox has been drawing comparisons to Angelina Jolie ever since she covered her body in poorly thought out tattoos. Now, in yet another attempt to stop the media from commenting on the resemblance, she’s talking about it again.
“It’s a lack of creativity on the media’s part,” she said. “I am a brunette with tattoos, I curse, and I have made mention of sex before. I joked about it, which people find outrageous so they want to constantly compare that to her. You know, Shia is the new Tom Hanks, Rihanna is the new Beyonce. Everybody is the new somebody, although none of us are any of those people so you just walk around with it, you live with it.”
Let’s be honest here: Nobody cares anymore. The only person that still compares Megan Fox to Angelina Jolie is Megan Fox. Just close your mouth and show some cleavage to distract us from your hideous toe thumb, Megan.
