Meet Jibril “Jimmy” Jihad!

In 2003, while Jibril was studying at the Riyadh College of Dentistry, the United States invaded Iraq. Outraged by the aggression against his fellow Muslims, Jibril dropped out of school and took up the call to Islamic Jihad. He traveled to Los Angels, CA on a student visa and decided that the best way to bring down the Zionist-Crusader Alliance was to blow up a city bus filled with the elderly, as well as people too stupid and/or poor to own their own car.

Unfortunately for Jibril, his time spent at dental school did not adequately prepare him for a career in suicide bombing. While attempting to construct an explosive vest he prematurely detonated the device, blowing off his legs and badly burning his genitals in the process. Today Jibril is confined to the South Shore Care Center in Oxnard, CA.

The nurses at the care center don’t much care for Jibril. They also don’t care for the name Jibril, so they call him “Jimmy“. They also feel that “Jimmy” becomes “agitated” when he watches news channels like CNN, so they decided it was best to restrict his viewing habits to entertainment/celebrity gossip channels.

These days Jimmy Jihad spends his days not walking, urinating through a catheter, and blogging about the infidel celebrities he sees on E! Entertainment Television with his good friend and fellow “Celebrity Jihadist” Durka Durka Mohammed.

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Meet Durka Durka Mohammed!

Durka Durka was born into a poor goat herding family in Kandahar, Afghanistan. At an early age he was diagnosed with what the local doctor called “Camel Spit for Brains”.

His family was ashamed of Durka Durka’s condition so they kept him confined to the goat farm. This was fine with Durka Durka because he loved goats… a lot.
When Durka Durka’s father caught him finger banging one of the goats he had had enough. He took Durka Durka to Kabul and dumped him on some American Christian missionaries. They brought Durka Durka back with them to America and placed him in the assisted living section of the South Shore Care Center in Oxnard, CA.

This is where Durka Durka met Jimmy Jihad and learned about the wonders of Jihad. Durka Durka was especially enthused by the prospect of receiving 72 virgins that he would be able to finger bang to his heart’s content.

So Durka Durka and Jimmy Jihad swore a Jihad against the Zionist whores in Hollywood. Both hoping that one day their biting insults would drive an image-obsessed celebrity to murder them, bringing honor as martyrs and pussy from virgins.

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Meet Marty Platinum!

Marty is an Orthodox Jew and aspiring talent agent hailing from Beersheba, Israel (better know to some as Cervezatown). He has made it his life’s mission to work within the Muslim community’s to uncover mainstream talent and collect 10% of their earnings.

During most of the 1990’s Platinum worked extensively in Pakistan, roaming from village to village in search of the next (first) great Muslim entertainer. Unfortunately, the most successful client he had, a one-armed ventriloquist named Bahaar Buzdar, went on to sign with William Morris once his act went intercontinental.

After a severe bout with depression and no less than seven failed suicide attempts, Platinum made his way to the United States seeking to resurrect his failed career. He managed to land a job in the William Morris mail room, but was arrested after vengefully attempting to deliver a letter contaminated with anthrax to the agent representing Bahaar Buzdar.

Deemed mentally unfit to coexist with others in a free society, Platinum was sent to the South Shore Care Center in Oxnard, CA. It was there that he met his top two (and only) clients, “Jimmy” Jihad and Durka Durka. Despite the fact that he is deeply hated by both men due to his ethnicity, Platinum gleefully represents their film and television interests (he lost out on commercial and animation rights to a junior agent at Endeavor). Presuming he continues to survive repeated assassination attempts by the pair, Platinum looks forward to a long, prosperous relationship with JJ and Double D.