Joe Jonas was photographed handing a large black man money as he reaches into his pocket to produce something. What possible reason could Joe Jonas have for breaking the Jonas Brother oath of racial purity and interacting with a black man?
Was he contributing to the man’s college fund? Doubtful. Was he investing in the man’s sun glass kiosk at the mall? Not likely. Was he purchasing crack rock to smoke with his bottom bitch Tosha in the alley behind a Taco Bell. Probably!
Frankly, would anyone be surprised if Joe Jonas turned to drugs? It can not be easy for him being constantly referred to as “the ugly one”. Imagine having to grow up in the shadow of your big brother Kevin’s devastatingly handsome receding hair line Jew fro, pear shaped body, and lily white skin.
Joe Jonas may be entering a downward spiral of drugs, despair, and handjobs and I don’t think anyone can save him now. Let us hope he survives rock bottom and can battle his demons the right way.
No longer satisfied with simply wearing ridiculously revealing clothes, Rihanna has taken to masturbating on stage in front of her fans.
Great artists like Rihanna have an relentless need to express themselves. Of course her record label would never allow her to actually write any lyrics, compose music, or not have her voice heavily distorted, because, well, they want it to sound good. So tragically artists like Rihanna are forced to express themselves the only way they have left, through sex.
From Cher and Madonna to Rihanna and Lady Gaga, these great musical masters walk around with their tits and ass hanging out whenever they get the opportunity. Now Rihanna is raising the stakes by openly pleasuring herself during her show, and I say kudos for pushing the envelope.
I predict within the next decade or so we will have pop divas doing full on insertion while lip syncing to the music talented people put together for them. Who knows maybe they will shoot a few ping-pong balls from their cooch into the crowd for lucky fans to take home as souvenirs.
Check out these pictures of Rihanna pushing the artistic envelope and playing with herself on stage in Paris.
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Always the trend setter, Lindsay Lohan created quite the buzz last night with a postmodern cry for help. Lindsay tweeted a picture of herself holding a gun to her smiling mouth, putting a playful ironic twist on her a desperate plea.
“She could have gone the traditional route and went to a rehab center or a psych ward, but that’s been done to death,” said art critic Lamar DeBold. “What Lindsay did was turn your traditional suicide threat on its head by seamlessly merging performance art with the lowest depths of hopelessness and despair.”
DeBold claims that by adding elements such as the Polaroid frame and the sexy black dress, Lohan was commenting on how her sex symbol status and constant run-ins with the paparazzi are factors in her inevitable overdose and, or suicide.
“With that ironic little smirk, Lindsay is saying that she knows that we know she is actually going to blow her drug-addled brains out someday soon.”
Added DeBold, “I haven’t been this impressed since Heath Ledger went 90′s kitsch by overdosing at the “Full House” girl’s apartment.
In a recent interview with the BBC, Miley Cyrus was asked if she would ever do a nude scene in a movie. Her response was,
“It depends what the film is,” she said. “If it’s something that’s classy – it just depends on the circumstances.”
In celebrity talk that is a very eager “Yes I can not wait to get naked” by Miley. And as luck would have it I just happen to have written an extremely classly script with Miley Cyrus specifically in mind for the lead role.
It is about a classly piece of redneck trash with absolutely no talent who becomes famous and will do anything to stay in the limelight. However, there is a very classy scene in which Miley’s character would classily take a big black classy c*ck in her classy classhole.
The film is tentatively titled “The Story of Classy McClass: Gap My Classy Ass”. I’m hoping if I can just get Miley to sign on to the project we’ll be able to get the funding to have this classy movie made.
I know it’s become fashionable to rip on Justin Bieber. That is not my intention. Please just humor me for a second.
So imagine there’s this young, good-looking, kid singer who comes out of nowhere and turns the whole music industry on its head, achieving phenomenal success and creating his own cottage industry in a matter of months.
Think you know where I’m going with this?
Well, now imagine it’s the year 2000.
That kid? Billy Gilman.
Who the hell is “Billy Gilman”, you ask?
That’s what he’s counting on.
You see, this “Billy Gilman” is actually “Justin Bieber”. And neither of them are actual children.
Play along with me just a little longer, trust me. And keep in mind the state of plastic surgery in the year 2010.
Now we’re going to imagine you’re a midget with a pretty good singing voice. You’ve been to every label in Hollywood, but nobody’s buying. People don’t want to watch a midget unless he’s in a Leprechaun suit or dancing around in a rap video. Proven fact.
But people love kids.
The problem is, their tastes are fickle. Kids get old. And ugly. Yesterday’s Justin Bieber is today’s Danny Bonaduce.
But not you… you stay pretty much the same.
So you’re smart. You’re patient. You pick and choose your territories.
The country music fans of ten years ago aren’t going to remember Billy Gilman. And if they are, what would they be doing studying the flavor of the month pop artist their kids are listening to now? They wouldn’t.
Look, I’ve only connected these two dots, who knows how far this thing goes back.
I know you’re asking yourself all sorts of questions right now and that’s good. You should. Because when you find the answers to those questions, when your mind is made up, you’ll come and find me and we’ll put a stop to this. Together.
But to start you off, there are doctors in Canada who will change your vocal chords so you can sound like anyone. Just like that movie, “Face/Off”, only for real.
Next?
And before I leave you, if you’re thinking this is all ridiculous skylarking because midgets aren’t evil, immortal beings, they’re just “little people” like you and me, only smaller, well then I implore you to go out and Netflix “The Orphan”.
And when you’re done, read this: http://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/2007-02-22/news/arrested-development/full
Eric Filipkowski – “The Fiona Apple of Comedy”
hollywoodphony.com
If there is one thing Leighton Meester likes to do, besides making sex tapes and then having them blocked from being released, it is showing off her long legs.
Frankly I find it despicable that a woman would be allowed to show anything above the ankle in public, but hey this is America. I guess this country just doesn’t care that it is a breeding den for all sorts of sick perversions, and any day now Allah will wipe it with Israel right off the face of the earth.
Until that glorious day I guess you heathens can enjoy looking at Leighton Meester’s barely covered legs. Here is a collection of pictures of Leighton brazenly flashing them to the world.
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We here at Celeb Jihad have just learned that this is the Facebook profile of Justin Bieber’s lover.
Not to be a hater, but have you ever seen someone so hideous? I mean they look like a degenerate AIDS ridden crackhead. I would of expected someone as famous as Justin Bieber to do MUCH better than that.
Granted they do look like they put out, but not in the sexy way, more like in the I suck random guys off in gas station bathrooms way.
We can only hope Justin Bieber comes to his senses and stops crushing on this disgusting beast before he contracts something.
