Jessica Alba is completely useless. Ever since she decided to be selfish and have a kid she has lost all her sex appeal, and lets be honest she has always been a horrible actress.

There was a time when I would have paid good money just to watch Jessica take a dump. Now the only thing I see when I look at her is lost dreams.

The fact that she never got naked while she was still hot is one of the greatest travesties of our time. She owed us some nudity for sitting through crappy movie after crappy movie, but she never delivered.

But I’m sure Jessica will do nude scenes now that no one cares and her vag is all flappy. She is just that cold hearted.

Kim Kardashian made the mistake of going out in public without a ton of makeup caked on her face and boy does she look rough.

Banging a lot of black guys will take a lot out of a girl, and it is finally catching up with Kim. Her face looks weathered and worn like an old catcher’s mitt.

At this point I think Bruce may be the hottest Kardashian. Here is another pic of Kim sans the makeup sucking down some ugly juice.

No longer satisfied just swallowing Jay-Z and the occasional drifter, Beyonce’s enormous ass decided to suck down her bikini bottoms.

Scientists estimate that at the current rate of growth Beyonce’s butt could soon be the size of Texas.

“I’ve never seen anything like it” says Prof Jim Michaels of the University of Toledo. “The fact that it maintains its shape at that size is what is particularly disturbing. Usually asses that get that big tend to flair out and sag. Beyonce’s behind shows no signs of that.”

Prof Michaels lab assistant Ronald Jenkins then chimed in adding, “Mmmm hell yeah!”

I can not believe Miley Cyrus did this! Doesn’t she know she is a role model to millions of young girls? I mean drinking a milkshake, that is just wrong!

Now all those young girls out there are going to think it is OK to slurp down milkshakes and get fat. We already have enough of an obesity problem in this country we don’t need Miley making it worse!

I hope to God Miley does the right thing and twitters that after drinking the milkshake she immediately ran to the bathroom and threw it up.

DJ AM born Adam Goldstein is dead at the age of 36.

DJ AM was found dead in his New York City apartment with prescription pill bottles by his body. Obviously the cause of death has not been announced yet, but I think it is safe to assume that this is just like the movie “Final Destination”.

DJ AM escaped death in September of 2008 when a small plane he was traveling on with Travis Barker of Blink 182 crashed in South Carolina killing all on board except the two men. But unfortunately for both men death does not give up that easily. Lets wait and see how Travis Barker meets his grizzly end.

Megan Fox got a parking ticket today. Probably for parking too “sexily”.

Look at the she-beast who wrote Megan the ticket. Why is something that hideous allowed within 100 yards of Megan? At least Megan does the right thing and flicks off the meter maid monster after she hands her the ticket.

Here are the pics from the incident. Megan’s ass looks great in those black tights. I have to say this whole tights fad is pretty sweet.

Girls Gone Wild founder and tremendous douchebag Joe Francis took hitting on the ladies to the next level last night when he beat up fellow douchebag Brody Jenner’s girlfriend, Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole.

According to Jayde Nicole, Francis was hitting on and harassing one of her girl friends so she did what any sane person would do, she threw her drink in his face. That’s when Joe punched Jayde in the face, threw her to the ground by her hair, and kicked her in the ribs. Apparently Jayde’s friend tried to come to her defense and she got punched too.

Joe Francis then fleed from the club. Brody claims to have chased him, but was tasered by some mystery person (yeah right wuss).

Being the man that Brody is though he didn’t let the tasing stop him from talking smack on Twitter about the incident saying, “Joe Francis beat up my lady this morning for no reason! Pulled her to the ground, punched & kicked her..what does that say about him. How can you call yourself a man when you beat up a girl?? Joe Francis is a piece of sh*t. Joe Francis needs to be in jail!!!”

Notice the extra exclamation points at the end he obviously means business!!!

Police are looking for Joe Francis to question him about the assault. Hopefully they can find him before he hangs himself in a hotel room in Canada.