At this historic time, when the nation’s first African-American President has taken office, I echo his call to change.
The channel, that is! LOL!
Seriously though. Don’t watch this show. It is awful.
It really is all that’s wrong with today’s youth and the media and the music industry, rolled into one.
The first half consists of delusional idiots, who’ve been lied to all their life, being corralled into humiliating themselves on live TV, in front of an audience of millions.
Look, I understand these people bring it upon themselves and fully deserve what they have coming, but that doesn’t make it any less mean-spirited. Especially considering some of them are pushing the boundaries of what the euphemism of ‘mentally challenged’ can cover.
I mean, there seems to be some honest-to-God, mentally retarded people up there. Seriously? This country can’t do better than that?
Apparently not. Not talent-wise, anyway.
So they flock, like mice to the cheese-laden spring trap, only to have their necks snapped by the inevitable metal bar of reality.
There are no standards anymore. Give everyone a medal! Cuz gosh darnit, they tried, didn’t they? “My mom says I’m talented! All my friends too!”
Are you really doing these people a favor by lying to them? This is time they could have spent applying to junior college or at least frying up some delicious burgers for an eager public to devour.
Instead, they’ve spent their weekend, waiting in line for the chance to be on TV. Why? Because we’ve told them that’s the measure of success. It doesn’t matter if it’s because you won a spelling bee and a local reporter is interviewing you, or your face is plastered all over the news because you killed your classmates for not recognizing your talent as a singer. As long as you’re on TV!
Which brings me to the second half of this crapfest. So after the terrible people are weeded out, we move on to the mediocre round where all the people who aren’t good enough to get a record deal on their own come to hopefully skip over all that and start singing some bland, generic crap written for them by a committee of washed-up never-wases.
So you go and you sing your little songs and then you’re told if you’re good enough by a guy who played bass for Journey and Paula Abdul. FUCKING PAULA ABDUL.
The only one with even a shred of credibility is the English guy. But if you don’t simply take it from the show, his bio isn’t that impressive. While he might talk about hard work and getting by on talent alone, he got his start from his father’s connections as a music industry executive.
But it’s not where you get your start, right? It’s what you do with it after that. Which is, according to Wikipedia:
Subsequently, Cowell signed up a number of acts to S-Records that made a mark in the pop music world, including Curiosity Killed the Cat, Sonia Evans, Five, Westlife, Robson & Jerome, and Ultimate Kaos. He also released several novelty recordings featuring the likes of wrestlers of the World Wrestling Federation, Teletubbies,[7] Zig and Zag and the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, that were huge successes.[2] Cowell set up another label, Syco Records, in 2002 which later became part of Columbia Records and Sony BMG Music Entertainment. Artists such as Leona Lewis, Il Divo and contestants from The X Factor and America’s Got Talent are released on Syco.
Awesome! I love Ultimate Kaos! Especially their album Nobody Has Ever Heard Of Us And Now We Work At Burger King.
Seriously. Even if you win this thing, so what? You’ll be the next Daughtry? Ruben Studdard? Taylor Hicks?
I had to look those names up, because, just like everyone else, I’d already forgotten who they are.
I’m getting off track here, so let me speak directly to you, my vast fanbase of young teenage readers: please don’t watch this show. It’s the number one show in America. This is virtually ensuring this bullshit will be on the air for at least another 5 years.
There are better things you can do with your life, besides being a pop singer. Pretty much anything is better than that. How about a garbage man or one of those people who scrapes up dead animals on the road or even an actor?
If you won’t make a conscious decision to better the world through your choices, then I am left to pray that your ever-changing fancies will shift to something else and you’ll start to see this show as passe or lame or l4m3 or however you spell things this week.
Because when you do things like this, it makes everybody hate you:
Commercial icon and habitual day-trader The E-Trade Baby, 6 months, was found dead last night in an apparent suicide, according to the Los Angeles County Department of Coroner’s office.
Officials are refusing to comment during the initial investigation, but CelebJihad has managed to obtain a copy of the suicide note which indicates the Baby was unable to cope with losses he sustained in the recent financial downturn. (see below).
As the police search for answers in this highly publicized death, pressure is mounting on government officials to take action.
“We realize this tragedy may cause a public outcry demanding we ban infants from day trading,” said Maxwell Harris of the Securities and Exchange Commission. “But the fact is infants are historically aggressive buyers, and without them we would probably see the Dow around 5,000 right now, so lets not throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak.”
Added Harris, “It’s not as if they don’t have time to rebound before retirement.”
E-Trade has yet to issue a statement to the press, but an executive who wished to remain anonymous said the company does not take dead babies lightly, unlike rivals Scottrade and TD Ameritrade, who “live for that shit.”
Barack Obama has named his Secretary of Defense… and he’s a Colonel!
In a move that will surely shake up the status quo in Washington, Barack Obama chose Colonel Sanders to be his Secretary of Defense. This is a bold selection that will set the tone for Obama’s new international relations agenda.
Col. Sanders is definitely not a Washington insider. Though he is a Colonel, he tends to spend most of his time on his chicken farm in Kentucky rather than in the bowels of the Pentagon.
While introducing his new Secretary of Defense, Obama had this to say: “He is a man I can trust. He is a man the American people can believe in. We know what we are getting with Col. Sanders. We know he is a Colonel. We know he can keep a secret (recipe). We know he fries one hell of a chicken.”
Israel and Hamas have agreed to a one-day ceasefire in order to mourn the tragic loss of Jett Travolta, the late son of actor John Travolta.
Jett’s sudden death last week triggered a wave of condolences from both sides of the conflict.
“We’ve had 769 deaths, including more than 200 children. But when we heard about Jett Travolta, it really made us stop and think,” said Abu El-Sarraj, a now limbless widower speaking near the charred remnants of what was once a school packed with terrified civilians.
Added El-Sarraj, “I mean, what kind of god could allow such a tragedy?”
Meanwhile, Isreali Prime Minister Ehud Olmert’s security cabinet convened on Friday to finalize the ceasefire.
“At a time like this it’s hard to worry about something as trivial as a Hamas rocket attack, or a nuclear Iran wiping us off the map,” said one Israeli official, who declined to be named.
Added the official, “Plus, Travolta’s made a lot of money for the Tribe over the years, which makes it extra sad.”
Fighting is set to resume on Sunday.
**World Exclusive**
**Must Credit CelebJihad.com**
First it was Brooklyn Beckham. Next came Bronx Mowgli Wentz.
Now there’s Staten Island Affleck.
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner joined the growing list of celebrity parents to name a child after a New York City borough, welcoming their second daughter, Staten Island, into the world on Tuesday.
Affleck’s spokesman, Shawn Sachs, said the parents wanted to give their child a “unique, yet trendy name,” and that the name Staten Island “offered the best of both worlds.”
Staten Island joins the couple’s first daughter, Violet, as well as the couple’s first abortion, “Daredevil.”
Special Thanks to Rob Sanford
Celebjihad.com has confirmed that author/journalist Christopher Hitchens is “dreadfully 
tired” of watching you masturbate.
Describing your masturbatory habits as “pure cliché and banality,” Hitchens finds fault not only with your “pedestrian” technique (the fist coupled with occasional deviations to the backhand), but also with your choice of pornographic aides.
“(Your) sole reliance on girl-on-girl orgy porn smacks of overcompensation and leads one to the conclusion that (you have) some kind of subliminal or unaddressed problem,” said Hitchens. “Perhaps (you) would be more at home viewing a homosexual spank film.”
While Hitchens declined to say how or why he was watching you masturbate, he went on to speculate that you have a camp interest in military uniforms, an obsession with flogging, and an unrelenting hatred of “silky and effeminate Jews.”
