Thanksgiving is a time to reflect and “give thanks” for our many blessings.  We asked several of today’s hottest celebrities what they were thankful for….

	Britney Spears is thankful for her two wonderful children…and Roe v. Wade…in no particular order.
	Guy Ritchie is thankful to be over his debilitating eight-year case of dry twat.
	Perez Hilton is thankful for Paris Hilton, a generation of celebrity-obsessed retards, and assless chaps.
	Oscar the Grouch – “I’m thankful that Jim Henson is still dead.”
	Kirk Cameron – “I’m thankful that my role of Mike Seaver in Growing Pains allows me to spread the word of God to lost souls watching A&E at 4:00 am. I’m also thankful that so many of those lost souls have bought my book, Still Growing, in stores now.”
	Twilight star Robert Patterson is thankful that teenaged girls are so god damn stupid.
	Dr. Phil is thankful that middle aged women are so god damn stupid.
	Leonard Nemoy – “I’m thankful that JJ Abrams found a way to bring my only chance of working back from the dead…again.  Not even Jesus of Nazareth has topped that.” (Writer’s Commentary – “That’s my fave because I took a shot at Spock and Jesus.”)
	Gary Busey – “I’m thankful that the recent economic downturn hasn’t affected the quality or quantity of delicious honey produced by my ant farm.”
	Richard Gere is thankful that everyone forgot about “the whole gerbil thing.”  We didn’t.
	Sean “P. Diddy” Combs is thankful that Biggie Smalls took those potentially embarrassing rumors about bedwetting to the grave.
	Rosie O’Donnell is thankful to live in a culture where being an ignorant loud-mouthed muff diver gets you on television rather than stoned to death in the town square.

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Congratulation to Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz on their new arrival, Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Based on these parenting tips from Ashlee, we know the kid is in good hands…

1. If your baby comes out a few shades darker than normal, reassure your husband that it’s just because the baby, much like its father, has the rhythm & soul of a black man.

2. Baby formula and cocaine are similar in color and texture, so the Enfamil container is a great place to hide your stash. Just don’t forget it’s in there, or you’re going to have a hell of a time getting your kid to sleep.

3. While most babies can’t live on mayonnaise alone, the really strong ones can.

4. If you’re pregnant for the second time, have an abortion. I’m sure the baby would rather die than live in the shadow of its more attractive older sibling.

5. Remember ladies; not everyone can land a professional football player. But suicidal bi-sexual emo singers make great fathers too.

6. Whatever you do, don’t let “Uncle Tony” hold the baby. He couldn’t hang onto a balloon if he was wearing duct tape gloves.

7. If your new-born child turns out to be one of those talking baby geniuses, put it in a sack and throw it off a bridge. I’ve read my bible, and talking babies ain’t in there.

8. Make sure the vocal track is turned all the way up before lip syncing lullabies to your baby.

9. If your baby’s nose doesn’t look right, set aside $5000 and invest in a low cost indexed fund. Otherwise, inflation will kill you on the cost of rhinoplasty when your child turns 13.

10. When selecting a brand of diapers, DO NOT purchase Huggies. Do you know how many Huggy Bears they kill each year to make those?

11. If your baby develops slowly, it might not be as retarded as you think. My parents thought I was retarded and look how I turned out.

12. Ladies, remember to always put your purse in the back seat so that when you get out of the car you don’t forget your baby.

13. Raising a newborn is hard, thankless work. Make sure you hire enough Guatemalans to handle the job.

14. Remember, you don’t need to come up with a clever name like Bronx Mowgli to make sure your kid stands out. Tattooing the words “Homo Handjob” onto his forehead should work just as well.

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A former contestant on the hit television show American Idol has been found dead outside the Los Angeles home of Paula Abdul.

News sites have reported the body of a woman discovered in a car parked near Abdul’s home in Sherman Oaks yesterday was Paula Badslow, who had appeared on American Idol, in 2006.

Badslow, who was apparently infatuated with Abdul, had been mocked by the TV show’s judges when she performed Proud Mary by Tina Turner in her audition. Even though she sang the song exactly as Paula Abdul would have.

The cause of Badslow’s death is still undetermined, but friends have said that she was going to try to “party like Paula” just for one night. That may explain the vodka and horse tranquilizers found in her system, as well as the large amount of semen in her various orifices. Our source in the coroner’s office tell us the semen comes from up to 3 different species of mammal.

Abdul released a statement saying she was “deeply moved by such an amazing act of dieing”. Fellow Idol judge Randy Jackson quipped, “That is hot! She is on fire! Dogg!” when he heard of the news. Only Simon Cowell was less then overwhelmed commenting that he thought her death was “trite” and questioned her choice of location, “Dying in a car has been done before. I just don’t think she is going to be remembered because of that”