Welcome to the inaugural edition of B. Rock Hussein’s column, A Bone to Pick.
B. Rock, is a man about town who isn’t afraid to share his opinions. By “about town” we mean the employee lounge at the South Shore Care Center in Oxnard, CA, where he now works as an orderly. By opinions we mean whatever he was able to piece together from watching TMZ, The O’Reilly Factor, and Countdown with Keith Olbermann.
Rumor has it that Oprah Winfrey offered to produce Barack Obama’s half-hour television special which will air simultaneously on CBS, NBC and FOX. She even offered her studio space for the broadcast.”She’s been begging Obama to let her help,” a source told the Drudge Report.Considering the show airs tonight, it’s safe to say that Mrs. Winfrey’s services were not needed. I feel inclined to ever so subtly “fill Oprah in” on the reason Obama turned down her generous offer.
Oprah, darling; you’re black!
Did she seriously think that Obama would allow her, a black woman, to come in on the final leg and expose his own blackness?
Just take a look at the numbers. According to the latest daily Gallup poll, Obama leads McCain 50% to 43%.
Let me translate that for you; 50% of registered voters believe that Obama is white. Now is not the time to rain on that parade.
Furthermore, the ever eloquent Obama has used his powers of oration to convince 10% of registered voters that McCain is, in fact, black. He has convinced 70% of black voters that McCain is white, and the remaining 30% now believe McCain to be some sort of Puerto Rican fellow who is trying to sleep with their underage sister. Perhaps most importantly, he has convinced 97% of all Puerto Rican statutory rapists that Sarah Palin is an adorable, but retarded, wolverine.
At this point in the game putting Oprah next to Obama would be political suicide. She might as well offer to have Jesse Jackson direct the special, put Al Sharpton behind the camera and have Reverend Wright hold the sound boom. Only in America!
The point is Oprah should stick to what she does best; redistributing her wealth to her lazy ass, out of work studio audience.
Thanks but no thanks, Oprah. Consider your bone PICKED!
The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of B. Rock Hussein.
Madonna‘s divorce from Guy Ritchie is well underway, and CelebJihad.com has obtained a copy of the prenuptial agreement. Buckle up and enjoy exclusive access to all the shocking details!
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Ritchie will retain ownership of the couple’s estate in London, while Madonna will keep her home at Snake Mountain on the dark side of Eternia. She will also retain custody of the evil feline known only as Panthor. |
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Madonna will continue to pay Ritchie a monthly stipend of $5000 dollars for a specially designed toothpaste that removes the taste of Warren Betty/Sean Penn/Sandra Bernhardt’s dick from his mouth. |
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Ritchie will be granted joint custody of the couple’s children, with the exception of “dat lil’ mow mow wanker. Black as thee ace of spades, ‘e is!” |
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Guy Ritchie shall regain full custody of his balls. Madonna waives all visitation rights. |
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Madonna shall retain the publishing rights to “Material Girl,” along with all other material possessions, including, but not limited to, the material world we are living in. |
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If Madonna fucks A-Rod, she shall have to wear a scarlet colored “A-ROD” on her chest. If Guy Ritchie fucks A-Rod, he shall have to wear a pink colored “GAY-ROD” on his chest. ZING!!! |
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Madonna is no longer allowed to wear her “My Lemons Get Squeezed by a Limey Twat” tee-shirt. |
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If the divorce is due to Ritchie’s infidelity, Madonna shall have the right to shove no less than seventeen Kabbalah crystals up his ass. |
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If the divorce is due to Madonna‘s infidelity, Ritchie shall have the right to remove no more than seventeen Kabbalah crystals from her ass. |
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Ritchie will retain custody of the estimated 37,500 unsold copies of Madonna‘s 1992 book, “Sex.” Although Madonna herself will keep prototype copies and publishing rights for the unfinished sequel, “Sex with a Disgusting Old Saddlebag.” |
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Madonna will lose custody of her adopted British accent, although she will have visitation rights on Boxing Day, and whenever she is drinking. |
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Ritchie waives all claims to heir of the throne of Neumodeada and will sign a non-disclosure agreement pertaining to Madonna’s yearly ceremony at the solstice, wherein her 1000 year old bones turn to dust and she is reborn from the carcass of viper fish. |
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Madonna’s vagina is to be donated to astronomers who are anxious to study the effects of black holes on washed-up film directors. |
Rocker John Mayer is trying to win back ex-girlfriend Jennifer Aniston. He has been sending her sappy texts, as well as picture messages of his balls and taint.
Mayer, who had broken up with Aniston almost two months back, is now determined to get her back. He has cut back on his smoking and drinking and has even promised to stop making shitty music.
Mayer and Aniston had a pretty acrimonious break-up. But over the past few weeks, they’ve both realized what miserable people they are, and figure a co-dependent relationship based on them both being intolerable cunts is the best either can hope for.
“John initially called things off when Jen broke her strap-on off in his anal cavity. But after considerable time apart, his priorities have changed and he realized that he enjoyed the sensation”. said a source close to Mayer.
Mayer also invited Aniston to be his guest of honor at his 31st birthday recently. She attended and gave Mayer a good birthday dick sucking later that evening.
It’s been less than a month since DJ AM, who obviously has some sort of deal with Satan, survived a jet crash that took the lives of four others. Two skin-graft surgeries later, AM was back to work last night, manning the decks for Jay-Z’s concert marking the reopening of the Hollywood Palladium. And by manning the decks we mean fiddling with keys on his laptop.
It was hard to tell if DJ AM had any visible scars from the crash since he was so unfortunate looking to begin with. DJ AM kept his energy high, waving his hands wildly in the air before dropping and rolling around the stage numerous times throughout the rap star’s set.
Jay-Z quipped after the show that DJ AM was “burning up out there” and “the kid was definitely on fire”.
Hey folks, Charlie Sheen here. I wrote this article as a guide for you young men and women out there in relationships. You could say I’m kind of an expert on relationships since I’ve had 722 in my 40+ years of living and loving.
First lets define what a relationship is. A relationship is a partnership of 2 people who have ridiculous amounts freaky sex… I’m talking about real nasty filthy stuff… until one party (the male) grows tired of the other party (the female).
Now that we know what a relationship is let’s talk about the most important aspect of any relationship, trust. Trust comes in many forms. Trust is the safety word when things get a little too intense, trust is the filming of degrading acts for future viewing, trust is the releasing of bodily fluids on your partner’s face, I could go on and on.
Since trust is the key component to any healthy relationship you must be constantly working with your partner to develop trust, and avoid losing your partner’s trust at all costs. It has been my experience that a lot of women recklessly lose trust in their male partners. Women are constantly falsely accusing men of ruining the trust in their relationship by cheating. Really this boils down to a lack of understanding on the woman’s part.
The majority of women (my ex-wives included) are painfully uninformed about what actually constitutes cheating. So let me set the record straight once and for all on some common misconceptions about cheating.
Location: If you and your partner are in different countries, time zones, states, area codes, counties, zip codes, congressional districts, towns, school districts, or housing developments it is definitely not cheating. Also if you are banging some 20-something hottie in the pool house while your wife is taking a nap in the bedroom that is not cheating, it is just a poorly executed threesome.
Prostitution: This area has frustrated me to no end in my numerous relationships. If you pay for sex it is not cheating, it is business. Prostitution is a business transaction in which money is exchanged for a service. It is no different then when you ladies go pay for a mani-pedi. You would be perfectly with in your rights to shove one of those Vietnamese girls up your snatch, but I must warn you that, that Charlie won’t feel nearly as good as this one. Bam!
Masturbation: Jerking off on a girl is a real gray area. It is definitely not cheating if the girl is unconscious, you are drunk, or she is a relative of your wife’s visiting for the weekend. However, it is cheating if you finish in the girl’s mouth, but it is not cheating if you finish on her face and some just sort of drips into her mouth. Furthermore it is cheating if the girl scoops it up and eats it, but it is not cheating if she just rubs it into her tits.
Blowjobs: Getting a blowjob is always cheating unless the location rules stated above apply or the girl looks really hungry. You wouldn’t believe the number of half starved girls in LA I have to sustain with my man juice.
To summarize relationships are about having dirty monkey sex with a special someone. If you are ever lucky enough to find a beautiful woman who will fulfil your sickest most perverse fantasies just give her half your stuff and move on. Trust me it is quicker that way.
CALABASAS, CA — Agents raided the home of Kim Kardashian on Sunday and discovered hundreds of animals crowded together in foul-smelling conditions as well as dozens of puppy carcasses in a freezer.
Authorities removed 56 ailing dogs and cats for immediate medical attention, said Elaine Marin, program director for the California Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
Agents found a freezer containing 65 carcasses. They also found up to 800 animals, including monkeys, miniature horses and turkeys, many of them living amid the stench of feces and decay.
“It’s horrible,” Marin said.
Kardashian, who is the prime suspect in a string of animal cruelty cases throughout Southern California, was cited with two counts of cruelty to animals in Sunday’s raid. She faces a maximum fine of $750 for each count.
Two years ago Kardashian was charged with having too many monkeys and operating a menagerie without a permit. She paid fines and court costs.
A neighbor, James D’Angelo, said he wasn’t surprised by Sunday’s raid.
“You hear (the dogs) screaming and crying all night,” D’Angelo said.
Added D’Angelo, “In the summertime, in August, you can’t even open a window without being overcome with stench.”
On Monday the Dow Jones Industrial Average suffered its largest one-day point loss after the House of Representatives rejected a proposed bailout plan. What does this mean for American taxpayers and the ailing U.S. economy? CelebJihad.com senior business correspondent Mel Gibson answers your questions in layman’s terms.
Question #1: What is the main cause of the current financial crisis?
Frank Lessick
Denver, CO
Mel Gibson: Responsibility lies with the Jews. They own the Federal Reserve Bank. It’s not “federal” at all. It’s privately owned by Jews! Already the Federal Reserve has 4 Jews ruling its 5-member Board of Governors.
Question #2: What would the proposed bailout plan have meant to the American tax payer?
Katherine Scully
Cleveland, OH
Gibson: President George Bush would have borrowed money in the billions from the Jewish money lenders of the Federal Reserve Bank. They look so very professional & so legit don’t they? But don’t fall for it, for they are bandits. How did President George Bush plan to pay for these loans at Jewish high interest, hmm? By taxing American Gentiles up the gazoo!
Question #3: How worried should I be about my bank failing?
Chris Franovich
Flint, MI
Gibson: Banking has been the livelihood of the Jews for centuries. This is because historical Christendom forbad the employing of usury, as it is forbidden in the Bible. But the Jews stepped in and became the bankers of Christendom, gouging the gentiles at every turn.
Question #4: Is it true that the bail out plan would have included foreign-owned banks?
Rich Wilkins
Scranton, PA
Gibson: The modern age of Jewish banking began with Mayer Amschel Bauer who, in 1750, set up the House Of The Red Shield (House Of Rotschildt) in an area of Frankfurt called “Judengasse” (literally Jew Street). He put up a banner on his store front with a Red Shield on it, complete with the occult symbol of the so-called Jewish Star of David.
Question #5: Does responsibility for the crisis rest in Washington or New York?
Andrew Brown
Louisville, KY
Gibson: I was in Greenwich Village last week and I saw this disgusting pervert “monument” to homosexuals championed by the New York ACL-JEWS! I took my cross and made large slicing movements all over the homos and lesbians depicted in the abominable work of plaster. Then I yelled out, “Homosexuality & Lesbianism Is An Abomination!”
Question #6: Are there any safe investments left out there? What about international markets?
Joe Kettner
Cincinnati, OH
Gibson: Organ trafficking is now a multi-million dollar business. Couple this with the Zionists having an obsession for self-preservation and the Jewish Talmud’s view of Arabs being sub-human, and Israel emerges as a leading trafficker in the organ transplant business.
Question #7: I have your son.
Nate Feldman
Danbury, CT
Gibson: GIVE ME BACK MY SON!
