In case you haven’t heard the shocking news, Clay Aiken “admitted” he’s gay. Next thing you know Barack Obama is going to “admit” he’s a Muslim, or I’m going to “admit” that Celebjihad.com isn’t funny. EVERYONE KNOWS!

When a man named ‘Clay’ who looks like a cross between Billie Jean King and K.D. Lang decides to “come out of the closet” it’s pretty much the opposite of shocking. However, throughout the years there have been a few even less shocking revelations. CelebJihad.com has complied them for you. Enjoy.

	1993 – Rock star Kurt Cobain reportedly “not in a very good mood right now.”
	1957 – Nat King Cole acknowledges that he is, in fact, black. Housewives across the country are shocked, yet strangely curious.
	1979 – Visionary George Lucas tells Time Magazine: “I don’t really have a plan for this thing. I’m kind of just making it up as it goes along.”
	1991 – Michael Jackson admits he’s been paying a group of renegade genetic engineers to slowly turn his face into a rat’s vulva for the past 20 years.
	2017 – George Bush finally admits it: “I do hate black people.” Adds Bush, “They’re just so loud!”
	1995 – O.J. Simpson admits to killing Naked Gun franchise.
	2012 – Miley Cyrus admits she is not a virgin and has been sucking cock since she was 13.
	2012 – Nick Jonas admits he is not a virgin and has been sucking cock since he was 13.
	2008 – Sarah Palin admits her baby’s retardation is the result of partying with crack-smoking Inuits.
	2005 – Paris Hilton admits you could drive a dump truck through her cunt.
	2009 – Dane Cook, in tears, admits he’s not funny at all.
	1995 – Christopher Reeve finally admits to himself that he’s not Superman.
	1988 – Madonna admits, “I really, really hate my dad.”
	2009 – R Kelly mistakenly confesses to a reporter that “If they are old enough to pee they are old enough for me.”
	2007 – Michael Vick admits he’s more of a cat person.
	2008- Lindsay Lohan admits she digs dudes without penises.

MOLINE, IA — Special Olympian Mikey Felps crossed the finish line during the 10-meter don’t fall down event on Thursday, earning his 28th gold metal of the 2008 Northeastern Iowa Special Olympics in the process. His unprecedented completion of the event smashed the previous gold metal record set by Special Olympian Mark Spits in 1983.

While Felps was unavailable for comment, his agent, Marty Platinum, spoke briefly with reporters after the event.

“Mike Felps has cemented his place in the pantheon of Special Olympians,” Platinum said. “He is thrilled to have had the chance to represent the United States in these games.”

Added Platinum, “Or at least he would be thrilled if he could understand the concepts of the nation state, or citizenship, which, ya know, he can’t.”

Felps has one final chance to add to his metal count. Although the games are officially over, his parents have entered him in the 27-mile don’t kick the god damn back of my seat event, and have promised him a metal if he is able to go the distance.

LOS ANGLES, CA — Sources tell CelebJihad.com that Nick Jonas, lead singer of the wildly popular Jonas Brothers, has lost his purity ring inside his own anus. The ring, which symbolizes Nick’s commitment to abstaining from premarital sex, has been missing for hours despite the valiant efforts of his brothers to retrieve it.

“We kept telling him, ‘No rings, no watches,’” said band mate and ‘middle brother’ Joe Jonas. “But once he decides to play with his ‘god button’ there’s no stopping him.”

This is the second incident this month that has called into question Nick’s use of the purity ring. Rumors have been swirling that Jonas has been involved in a homosexual relationship with British comedian Russel Brand since the two met at the MTV Video Music Awards on September 7th.

Brand, an admitted sex addict who hosted the awards, has been quick to squelch rumors that the two are dating or that he is a homosexual.

“We’re not dating; I only popped him once,” Brand was quoted as saying in this month’s copy of Tiger Beat.

Added Brand, “While my actions were more than a little gay, I am certainly not a poofter, as evidenced by the fact that this boy is softer and more feminine than half of the cunts I’ve shagged this month.”

John, as you know CelebJihad.com was the first to break the story about your upcoming game show on Fox, “Are You HOTTER Than A 5th Grader.” However, recent reports coming from Fox state that they have halted production. What gives?

“Sadly, those reports are true. Fox ran an episode for a test audience and it received more ratings of “creepy and disturbing” than the Fox execs were comfortable with. But after a few hours brainstorming we reworked the show into a form I believe mainstream America will find acceptable. The new show is titled “Are You More TICKLISH Than A 5th Grader.”

I will have an assistant that tickles the contestant while I tickle various 5th graders. We recently purchased a tickle-o-meter from some pedos at NASA to track the results. This will be one of the most challenging shows on TV because, in my experience, 5th graders are extremely ticklish. Now, if you’ll excuse me, school is back in session, so this is a very busy time of year for me.”

Just one more question if I may. Who are you supporting in the upcoming election, John McCain or Barak Obama?

“I like that Palin girl.”

Gov. Sarah Palin from Alaska? Aren’t you afraid that she may be too inexperienced for the job?

“Who? No, not the mom; Piper Palin. I must have watched the video of her licking her hand 50 times on You Tube. That moment really, ahem… moved me. Also, as you can imagine, I prefer the type of inexperience Piper is going to bring, not like that whore sister of hers. Piper is a true outsider and adorable to boot. She’s got my full support.”

Thanks for your time, John Mark Karr, and happy hunting!

Motivated by whatever inspires the minds of the sadistic, Kim Kardashian burned a pit bull to a crisp on Sunday. Authorities fear that Kardashian, who is also accused of lighting a baby raccoon on fire last July, may have gone into hiding.

Police were alerted when local residents spotted “the girl from that stupid show hurting a dog” and called police. When officers arrived on the scene they found cans of lighter fluid and the horrific remains of the still-smoldering pooch.

According to eyewitnesses, Kardashian first took the dog for a walk. Then, when they got to their destination – some rail tracks in Oxnard, CA – she went to work, covering the pit bull with a towel, dousing it with lighter fluid and finally setting the dog ablaze.

“It appears Kardashian had nothing better to do than set a dog on fire,” said Chris St. Marie, chief law-enforcement officer for the Oxnard SPCA. “It’s appalling.”

Investigators found tags on the dog and are trying to track down the owner. Another lifeless dog was found in a trash bag just a few feet away from the remains of the burned animal. Authorities say it appears the remains in the bag had been there for about a week.

St. Marie noted that the number of animal-cruelty cases in Southern California was rising dramatically, and referred to research suggesting that people who harm animals are more likely to commit other violent acts, and, or appear on reality television shows.

“How we treat our animals is a reflection upon society as a whole,” he said.

Officials are offering a $10,000 reward for information that leads to the arrest and prosecution of Kim Kardashian. If you have any information on Kardashian’s whereabouts please contact authorities immediately.

The following is the transcript of a recent conversation between John McCain and the father of Sarah Palin’s illegitimate granddaughter, Levi Johnston.

Levi. Mind if I call you Levi? Wait; don’t answer that. Truth is I don’t give shit, you little fuck. I’ll be damned if some stupid fucking teenager who can’t figure out how to use a rubber is going to cost me the presidency!

You see son, when you knocked up my VP’s daughter, she wasn’t the only one you were fucking. No, sir; you were also fucking John McCain! And let me tell you something, I don’t like to be fucked by anybody but Mrs. McCain, and not even her so much these days. So let’s get one thing clear right fucking now: you’re gonna make this up to me. You’re gonna marry that little whore!

They say that half these Alaskan whores have TB, and the other half are MY RUNNING MATE’S DAUGHTER.  You should have only fucked the ones that cough, Levi.

My staff has been crunching some numbers, and it turns out people, especially Republicans, don’t like unwed mothers. Therefore, I don’t like unwed mothers. Therefore, that little whore needs a husband. Guess what, junior, you’re it!

You look like you’re unhappy? Well, there is another way. My staff has been crunching some other numbers, and it turns out people just love widowed mothers! They especially like war widows, and I can have your ass in Baghdad in 18 hours. I’m a senator! I can do that.

Or maybe I’ll just off you myself. That’s right; don’t think for one fucking second that I won’t! Just because I can’t lift my arms above my head doesn’t mean I can’t shove my dick down your throat and skull fuck you to death. I’m John fucking McCain!

Did you just call me a fag, son? I thought the same thing about you when I heard your name was Levi. But, judging from the cans on Palin’s daughter, I’d have to guess that you’re no fairy. Come to think of it, I knew a Levi back in ‘Nam, and he couldn’t keep it in his pants either. Some VC slut ended up getting him drunk and cutting his dick clean off. She just left it for the mother loving rats. And the same thing’s gonna happen to you if you don’t marry that god damn whore.

And I’ll tell you what else you’re gonna do – you’re gonna take down your goddamn Myspaces pages, whatever the fuck those are. My staff tells me you’ve got some really stupid shit up there? Just look at this garbage…

I’m a fuckin’ redneck who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes. But I live to play hockey.

You live to play hockey, eh? Well, you sure did slip one past the goalie, didn’t you? You red neck piece of shit. Jesus H. Christ!

I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some shit and just fuckkin’ chillin’ I guess.

You know son, when I was your age I liked to hang out with the boys and shoot some shit too. The only difference is that the shit you and your cheese-dick friends shoot at doesn’t shoot back! Has an elk ever shot you out of the sky when you were at 10,000 ft? I didn’t fucking think so.

Ya fuck with me I’ll kick ass.

Well son, here I am. I’m fucking with you. Are you gonna kick ass? Well, are ya? I didn’t think so. What? You gonna cry? Huh? Baby, gonna squirt a few?

You make me sick. Pull yourself together. You’re about to get engaged. Shut up! Shut up and take the pain! Take the pain!

What? It’s not fair?

You wanna talk about not fucking fair? I spent five fucking years being tortured by Ho Chi Minh and his no-tailed baboons! That’s not fucking fair! That moron George W. Bush stole the 2000 South Carolina Primary by convincing a bunch of hicks like yourself that I had a secret black daughter! That’s not fucking fair! And is it fucking fair that now, when it’s finally my turn to be president, I’m probably gonna lose because a bunch of dumb-ass college kids think it’s “cool” to vote for a black guy!? The horror…the horror…

Now get in the fucking car. You’re going to the convention. Your days of finger-banging ol’ Mary J. Rottencrotch through her pretty pink panties are over! You’re marrying her now. And you will be faithful…for at least four to eight years!

Special Thanks to Jon Mitchell

The Memphis Grizzlies have signed 7-foot-2 Hamed Haddadi, stealing him away from the Saba Battery in the Iranian Super League.

Haddadi, the NBA’s first Iranian player, is poised to explode onto the scene.  However, some scouts fear he could turn out to be a disastrous bomb.

“Look, I could be wrong and he could just blow up,” said Percy Watkins, a veteran NBA scout. “But from what I’ve seen so far, I expect to see him self-destruct under the pressure, and possibly take all of Memphis (Grizzlies) with him.”

Despite the lack of solid intelligence, the Grizzlies are confident in their Iran Man.  Chris Wallace, the Grizzlies general manager, says he doesn’t expect much fallout from Haddadi, and claims that critics have been unduly harsh.

“I don’t want to make him out to be a martyr just yet, but I think the non-believers should prepare to be shocked and awed,” said Wallace. “With him at center we hope to wipe the rest of our division off the map, god willing.”

Whatever the result, it seems certain that Haddadi will receive an unstable reaction from the Memphis fan base unless he has what it takes to enrich the Grizzlies’ offensive capabilities and deliver a new surge of energy to this depleted franchise.