Palin’s promiscuous and pornographic past poses peril for presidential polls.
JUNEAU, AK — Former oil worker Richard St. Joseph released the top portion of what he claims is a nude photograph of presumptive GOP vice presidential nominee Governor Sarah Palin.
St. Joseph, a retired custodial engineer for Exxon Mobile, dated the governor for a brief time in the early 80′s.
“I took the picture after we downed a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Wine during a Christopher Cross concert,” St. Joseph said.
People Magazine and In Touch Weekly have both made undisclosed offers for the bottom portion of the photograph, although St. Joseph has confirmed that the current high bidder is Alaskan Hockey MILF Magazine.
When asked to describe the contents of the photograph, a laughing St. Joseph responded, “It’s true about what they say about Alaskan women’s shaving habits, or I guess I should say lack there of.”
While Palin, who is preparing to speak at next week’s Republican National Convention, refused to comment on alleged photo, the Obama campaign was quick to react.
“This is shocking,” said Obama spokesperson Adrian Marsh. “It’s clearly an attempt steal the strong lesbian following that backed Gov. Hillary Clinton.”
West Hollywood, CA – With the Democratic National Convention well underway, Senator Barack Obama finds himself losing many high-profile celebrity endorsers to an unlikely rival: the Lemon Party.
David Geffen, Joel Schumaker, and Richard Chamberlain are just a few of the Hollywood heavyweights who have abandoned their traditional support for Democrats to join the little known and highly exclusive group.
The Lemon Party, which recently nominated Congressman Barney Frank, has been aggressively targeting affluent bachelors over the age of 50, particularly those involved in theater and film. Frank, who beat out former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey as well as Idaho Senator Larry Craig at the party’s convention in Key West, wooed supporters with his ability to juggle many balls at once as well his commitment to get the job done no matter how long it takes.
“I hear a lot people talking about change these days,” said columnist and long time Lemon Partier Rex Reed. “But if you want to lead the Lemon Party you need to have experience, and Barney Frank has plenty of that.”
Experts who once dismissed the Lemon Party as a “fringe” or “niche” movement are now praising the group’s use of the internet to spread its message and attract new members.
“Ten years ago no one knew what the Lemon Party was,” said former Star Trek actor and party member George Takei. “But today, thanks to the internet, our website gets millions of visitors from across the globe, and we’re laying the foundation for future Lemon Party leaders like Bryan Singer and the Jonas Brothers.”
Added Takei, “People try to paint us as elitists, but in reality we are truly an ass-roots movement.”
For more information on the Lemon Party visit www.lemonparty.org.
Universal Pictures announced this week that they have started filming a new feature-length comedy called “Weekend At Bernie Mac’s”. The film’s producer, Joel Wiseman, is excited with how the movie is progressing.
According to Wiseman, “early on filming was slow and tedious as Bernie Mac was too stiff, but over the past week he has really loosened up. I don’t know if it’s the decaying or he’s finally opened up to script, either way we are getting some great stuff from him.” The film is tentatively schedule to be released in the summer of 2009.
Earlier this week People Magazine reported that Latin-pop sensation “Ricky Martin Welcomes Twin Boys,” and suggested that Martin had, with the help of a surrogate, fathered children.
However, in an exclusive interview with Martin’s housekeeper, CelebJihad has learned that Martin is not a father, but rather a middle-aged man who welcomes twin boys into his home.
Speaking through an interpreter, Martin’s housekeeper, Pedro, who unsuccessfully asked that his name not be used, confirmed that Ricky has no children, since children would involve sex with a lady.
“He just likes to have twin boys over to his house, Ranchero Neverland,“ said Pedro. “He always tells me to leave the back door open so these boys can come and go as they please.”
Pedro went on to add that these boys are usually dropped off by Ricky’s driver, Sergio, who scours local parks making promises of “empadinhas” and “the X-box.”
Added Pedro, “He is no father, but I have heard the boys refer to him as daddy.”
Tila Tequila might seem unattainable, but deep down she’s just a regular girl…a regular girl with a dad who fucked up real, real bad. We recently caught up with the sexy star of A Shot at Love and asked her for some frank advice about modern dating.
- Ladies, having standards is important, but make sure they aren’t too high. Remember, the “perfect man” is just a fairytale, like Bigfoot or HIV.
- Guys, nothing kills a date faster than bad manners. Not offering your date a Valtrex isn’t just thoughtless, it’s downright rude.
- Speaking of bad manners, if you don’t open doors for me, I don’t open my legs for you…unless you have money. Then it doesn’t really matter.
- Guys, if you’re at dinner and the waiter starts to flirt with your date, calmly stand up, smash a wine glass on the table, hold the shards of glass to his neck and demand that he respect you. Anything less and your girl will think you’re a pussy.
- If you smell raw fish and we’re not at a sushi restaurant, DON’T comment on it.
- Ok guys, you’ve already paid for an expensive meal. Now it’s time to go the extra mile. Offer to hold back your date’s hair as she regurgitates her food in the parking lot. Extra points if you have a mint waiting!
- Ladies, he’s there to make you feel special, so don’t be afraid to order a side of “balls in your mouth” at dinner.
- Remember, you can’t buy your way into a girl’s bedroom. Try using coke.
- Guys, when you’re on your first date and the girl starts blowing you, don’t push down on her head. That’s way too forward and could make her gag and vomit on your cock before she’s ready to.
- No condom, no problem! Remember girls; no one ever had a butt baby.
- Ladies, isn’t it annoying when you’re on a date with a guy and he asks you where he should “finish”? He knows we’re just going to scoop it up and eat it regardless of where it lands, so why does he ask?
- Exploring bi-sexuality is a great way to broaden your horizons. It’s also a great way to say “fuck you” to your dad for not buying you that pony you wanted when you were nine.
- Don’t assume that just because a girl is bisexual she wants to make out with your gal pals…unless your gal pals wear cherry chapstick and have tight labias. Then you can assume whatever you like.
- If you do find yourself attracted to someone of the same sex, don’t be ashamed. Curiosity is perfectly natural, just like fisting or being raped by your uncle.
- My biggest rule for any date is to be yourself…unless of course it’s “sweeps week” and Mort from Viacom’s marketing department tells you to be more of a whore. Trust me, he might look out of touch, but that heeb knows how to pull in the 18-to 25-year-old demographic.
- Remember, you can take the girl out of the third-world prostitution ring, but you can’t take the third-world prostitution ring out of the girl.
Special thanks to all of the CelebJihad.com writers.
10) Gary Busey’s diet consists almost entirely of bark and dolphin meat.
9) In 2004 the city of Newport Beach selected Gary Busey to host the annual Newport Autism Charity Banquet, an honor that caused him to boil his pets in disgust.
8) Gary Busey has a strong fear of the handicapped.
7) Gary Busey will only speak to people who are his exact same height.
6) One of Gary Busey’s favorite pastimes is sneezing in other people’s homes.
5) Gary Busey’s favorite digging stance is orthodox.
4) Gary Busey has binocular vision.
3) Gary Busey has a DNA fetish.
2) A woman once tried to sass Gary Busey for running over her dog. He threw a cup of urine in her face and attempted to baptize her.
1) Gary Busey has fucked over 50 different types of mammals.
The latest CelebJihad.com presidential tracking poll shows Illinois Senator Barrack Obama’s poll numbers dipping slightly over the weekend, with Arizona Senator John McCain gaining .00000000000000000000002%.
In unrelated news, a recent poll shows that the Church of Scientology has seen a 25% decline among African-Americans.
Special thanks to Joe S. and John P. for help with this report.
